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Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,733
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile

21 Sep 2014, 10:07 pm

If you're really into that whole "submissive wife" thing, you and I'd make a great pair.


I think what we often mean about "submissive wives" and what the Bible means about submissive wives are totally different things. Being a Biblically submissive wife means acknowledging the husband's role in the family and respecting that authority in the same way the church looks to Christ as the authority. Loving husbands in the Biblical sense are to love their wives as Christ loves the church, i.e. willing to die. A Biblical relationship recognizes the worth of both husband and wife as equal partners in marriage. Eve was taken from Adam's side, not his head to rule over him or from his foot to be his doormat.

To be blunt, I think you're confusing being submissive with being supportive. You want your husband to trust you? Simple. Be trustworthy (you're not hanging around/flirting with random guys, you're not threatening to leave, etc.). You hate conflict? There will ALWAYS be conflict.

In my relationship with my wife, yeah, there's always conflict over SOMETHING. I married my wife in part because I recognized her wisdom. I may be the ultimate decision-maker, but I don't make a single decision before I completely understand her feelings on the issue. It is RARE that I absolutely insist on getting my way, and it has to be something I feel unusually strong about. I'd say in 98% of every decision we make together, I go with her view.

The conflict-avoidance thing may have a lot to do with the issues you're dealing with. People tend to expect more and more from a "yes" person, and nothing is ever enough. SOME disagreement is actually healthy. My wife and I never yell at each other if we're conflicted on something, but we're in the habit of talking it out. Most of the time she's good at winning me over to her side. I'm not afraid to stand my ground with her if it's absolutely necessary. The great thing is she LETS me stand my ground. It is very difficult to move relationships in that direction.

Not sure how to answer the "being autistic" thing. You are what you are and you can't escape it. It's not good to let someone else do all your thinking FOR you. My married YOU for a reason. Don't be anything/anyone else.

If you are dealing with nasty people: "Dave, this conversation can serve no further purpose any more. Goodbye." --HAL 9000. Which is my second favorite quote from that movie, the first being: "Look, Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over." HAL makes me laugh.

And finally, you NEED "you" time. There's no reason to feel guilty about that and it doesn't make you any less submissive. Everyone either has a job to do or needs a mental health break. Look at it this way: Doing things for yourself is going to help you feel better about doing for others. Just don't become so self-absorbed that you ignore everyone else entirely. Find the balance.

You don't owe your monster-in-law anything other than the dignity you'd give any other human being.

If you are trying for a Biblically-based household, your husband doesn't get out of his responsibility of being in the place of God for the whole household (he's NOT God?he represents God in the family). If your husband isn't on board with this, there's nothing you can do. You have to be pulling together for this to work the way you're trying to make it work.

On asserting yourself to your husband and maintaining a scriptural household, think about it this way: God expects us to be obedient. But at the same time, God expects us to pray, and in turn He listens to our prayers. Don't be afraid to voice your thoughts to your husband. If your husband stands in God's place in your relationship, then it is his role to be concerned with your needs and desires. So PLEASE keep him informed about you. Unlike God, your husband doesn't know everything, so he shouldn't be expected to make good decisions without taking a wide range of factors into account. He's going to depend on your advice. Don't hesitate to express yourself. Just be calm and respectful about it. Being the good, submissive wife need not mean anything more than that.