Loneliness

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Chickenbird, the world is small! I believe there is another poster in this forum from NZ, in addition to the two of us.
I am not a real Kiwi though, I immigrated from Germany 13 years ago with my partner.
And the situation is a bit similar to yours, only that I'm married, so there is after all one person in my life that I feel close to. (One is plenty for me).
We live on the Coromandel Peninsula and although there are many friends and neighbors around, there is nobody I feel really close to. No one similar enough?
To be close means to me, to feel totally at ease at all times around that person.
It means I never feel like I'm maybe bothering them. And it means I fully trust them.
These conditions are difficult to meet, and yet in Germany I have three friends (from way back).
Thing is, that people who are like us are so difficult to meet.
You would have trouble meeting me anywhere by chance, because I hardly ever go out.
Ideally I would be a hermit.
In the past I had times when I was totally alone, and that's when I did put up with abusive people.
For the sake of company and because I'm a fool.

Not only that, but look at our nicknames! It's very odd. Yes I've only known I was this way for a few years and I worked out early
on that it would be almost impossible for me to find someone like myself if they stay at home as much as I do. One of my
first thoughts was to get involved with people more severely afflicted than me instead of trying to be NT, but I found
that those people are hedged about with NTs which I find tragic. I tried to apply to be a voluntary helper but they didn't like
me and wouldn't send me the form.

I do have a husband but he is unpredictably abusive so I try not to relax around him. But sometimes I forget because
it's nice to be around another human being. I've also had times when I was alone on the face of the earth and it was a
very strange feeling; scary but not terrifying.

Anyway you are right. NTs don't just make friends at the supermarket or on the street, but aspies can, and do, because they
really want to find each other.

Something I noticed in my past relationship with an abusive narcissist was how quickly and easily they can spot it, when their partner is relaxing.
Because every time I did, he would launch an attack immediately, never when I was alert and had braced myself for an attack. He always waited until I was vulnerable.
That must be this cognitive empathy, that Aspies don't have.
And he obviously didn't have the emotional kind of empathy, because he never got emotionally affected when I was distraught.
(Don't know if you read that article about the empathy imbalance hypothesis?)

I think that's the one I read, it was interesting.

I understand your point of view, although I don't remember relaxing around my ex which may have been why he was attracted to me.
But I don't see it as "waiting" until you were vulnerable. As I see it, they have been attacked when very little and vulnerable
themselves, and now when they see someone relax, it seems very dangerous to them, like you are going to bring down calamity
on everyone. So they attack you to avert the danger, not realising they are perpetuating it.

I'm told that these people have empathy of any kind you like, but they live in such a state of fear and crisis that it's usually the last thing on their minds. I remember my ex seeming very blank when I was distraught, too.

I never relaxed, because in my family it is seen as a sign of extreme arrogance. Naturally this proved to be unsustainable.

Yes, I think you are onto something here.
He had a very staunch and dominant mother, so when I was harsh, strong or even angry,
he felt safe, because that's what he was familiar to him.
But when I was relaxed he may have felt threatened, because under the surface there could
have been something going on that he couldn't see? Some hidden danger or so?
Not that it makes any sense to me, but I know he was afraid of women and mortally afraid of witches.
And he had once been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.
He was a compulsive liar as well. Altogether too much for me to handle.
I'm so glad I left and never looked back.

Not quite. I believe they know we are relaxed and to them it's
like a meerkat lying down on the job - we have stopped being hypervigilant to
protect them and calamity must be the result. They don't see that they create the calamity,
from our point of view, because to them, it's already there inside them.

Don't get me wrong, I may sound sympathetic but I still cannot cope with my ex in any way shape or form;
not only are we not in contact, but I can't even stay in touch with anyone who still knows him.
It's just, I knew his parents, and what a nightmare for a little kid.

You are very insightful Chickenbird, you help me understanding my past relationship better.
I think it is the right thing to do, to break off contact when the situation becomes too much to cope with.
But I always felt sorry that he was so easily upset all the time for no apparent reason, in situations
when everything was so peaceful and safe. A perceived threat from the inside makes very much sense.
And I was always wondering why my vigilance seemed to calm him down. He felt protected by it?
He must have had a horrible childhood with that dominant mother.
(He was a Russian, I only met his father who was an alcoholic.)
After I broke off contact, I went to NZ with my future husband, whom I met by chance at my workplace.
I'm immensely grateful for that.
I wish you meet someone soon who is worthy to be your companion.
Now that I know how things should be I would never put up with unacceptable behavior again,
no matter how sorry I feel for that person.

It's like they are haunted and noise and stress drive the ghosts away, but when things are
peaceful they come back. Primitive cultures have this too.

Thank you for the kind wishes but I am unlikely to find that someone, perhaps wish for me that husband #2
is able to change and grow.

If you didn't meet your ex's mother personally I don't think you can trust what he said about her. An
alcoholic father is enough to explain what you saw, and he could so easily have been poisoned
against her. To a child raised in chaos, even the slightest attempt at discipline could seem
monstrous.

Anyway I am so glad your current relationship is good

Not quite sure what your saying but I tend to lack in responsiveness in conversations if I'm tired. I get lonely because I have no friends, never married, no children and have conversations with my dog everyday. I'm not lonely all the time but sometimes wish I had a friend.

I trust that your friendship and company will help your husband to grow and mature.
Kia Kaha, Kia Ora Chickenbird!

Kia kaha Birdsleep, thanks

Deb1970 I think you are right, I was tired of that conversation.

Yes I know that feeling, and my dog is wonderful in that way. I wish I got a dog years before.

Often I don't feel lonely where someone else probably would, and usually I don't want to see anyone in particular that I can think of. I might feel lonely, but I still don't feel like answering the telephone, you know?