My unique situation

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I just joined this site out of desperation. I have a unique situation in that I have an adult son that is very obviously with AS. I was reunited with him 14 years ago and our relationship or what there is of it is very hard for me. He is in denial of AS and thinks how he acts is normal when actually, it is very cold stiff and at times rude as he struggles with conversation and always seems at a loss at how to act or what to say. After 14 years of this, I'm tired of the stiff superficial relationship he defines as normal. I feel like he wants to be part of my family, brothers and sisters, but I'm tired of the stiff superficial conversations and having to pretend this is normal. There is literally no real affection or depth in his actions or tone. I want to have a relationship with him but not this pretend one that is going on.
He has 2 masters degrees and builds linux just for the hobby. Extremely intelligent.
He disowned his adopted parents since his a-mom emotionally abused him since she was uneducated and harassed him constantly.
I don't know what I'm going to do since I can't afford therapy and counselors I've talked to aren't any help anyway.
I just can't talk to him anymore like this.

If he has AS he can't help being stiff, formal and a poor conversationalist. He'll always have trouble expressing emotions. Awareness of this won't make it any easier.

i bet he is doing the best he can and appreciates your patience.

Try presenting the idea to him as a difference rather than an abnormality. Or try the idea that everyone has difficulties to work on, but his are special and unusual.

Just because he is highly intelligent doesn't mean he is playing a pretend game with you. You need to come down to his level, not expect him to come up to yours. You don't explain the circumstances why you gave him up. Since it didn't work out with his adoptive parents, I imagine he feels traumatised by authority and adults. Not judging you at all because you must be finding it very hard, but I think you also need to understand at his level what he is going through and make attempts to accommodate his feelings.

I'm sure if you explain that you're tired of his autism, that will cure it.
That's how it works - you point out the autistic behavior, and the autistic person is no longer autistic. It works equally well for people in wheelchairs and those with Downs Syndrome. Just let them know that their disabilities are tiresome to you, and they will quickly normal up. Together we can end pervasive developmental disorders!

Adults do not necessarily take well to being told they have AS. That really is not hard to understand if you think about it. If you were told you have something labeled a disorder that is in the public mind associated with things you don't do, you would have trouble believing it as well. It is going to take him time.

I am not saying that to be flip at all. The public associations with AS tend to be exaggerations and if that is what he knows of it, he will not be so quick to identify with it. it took my son;s diagnosis, and a comment by one of the members of his diagnostic team to realize it about myself. I don't know how old he is, but help as an adult is hard to get. It is much easier when they are younger.

If he has AS, he does not think he acts rude, cold or stiff. It is not fake. (I am not sure I understand the word choice) If he is overly honest about what he thinks, brusque in responses that other people have been socialized into being polite about, he probably think everyone else is acting fake.

I have a 9 yr old, sand it is hard to teach a little aspie why certain things are social conventions and are considered polite. With an adult, it is going to be harder.

Given that he does not accept AS, I might start by using a book on getting along and manners targeted for adults his age that is not designed for people on the spectrum. I don't know the name of any offhand other than the old chestnut, "How to Win Friends and Influence People." It is probably dated, and there are probably hipper ones out there.

Even so, you will have to be careful in wording how it will help him so he does not take offense. (You would not give a remedial math book to someone with poor math skills, without the person telling you it would be helpful, first. Otherwise that would be viewed as rude. ) You would need to be patient, talk to him about his life, and then wait for an opportunity to present itself to suggest that he read up on social skills. You would have to be sure it would be OK with him.

Does he complain about anything in his life that would be improved by having better inter-personal skills.

I understand that you are desperate to connect with your son at a deeper level. However, you need to come to grips with the fact that AS isn't curable. Therapy for him may help him understand his behaviors and how they may be perceived by others, and teach him alternate ways to interact with people, but he has to be willing to that, and to be willing he has to acknowledge the AS. Sounds like he's not.

Frankly, if you want a relationship with him, you need to accept him as he is. Personally, I think it's pretty selfish of you to think he has to be the one to change to fit your ideal of a relationship between a mother and a long-lost son. If you are having trouble coming to grips with how he is, then you are the one who needs therapy to help you get to the place of acceptance.