To live or not live to the label.

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leiselmum
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27 Sep 2014, 10:39 pm

As a child I was extremely shy and scared of a lot of things, I put that to having a less than ideal upbringing. Alcoholic abusive father an a mother who could be neglectful. My cousin would spend all summers with us and school holidays, I had good times and memories with cousin.

I have just come back from a holiday in Tasmania and spent the last night with my aunt, mother of this cousin I spent great summers with.

We had a deep conversation about my 17 yr old daughter who is scared of a lot of things and is so unsure of herself and relies heavily on me to tell her what to do with most basic things.

My aunt says to me in relation to my daughter who is insecure in herself, ' I remember a little girl who used to be afraid ' implying me.

Does aunt not understand autism spectrum? I think not, I believe she thinks my child is modeling me, her mother, and does not understand why my child could be so afraid to socialize and interact.

I know I can be in the habit of just giving my 17 yr old the answers to basic things, she should already know.

Aunt does not think it wise my child be in a program that gets her, ' teen league' 8 boys 2 girls, all aspie. To her it confirms my child is on an autism spectrum.

My child also attends a school holiday program that gets her doing activities, when she would otherwise be in her room sitting talking to herself ( nothing wrong with talking to herself)

Problem other people have with this program is other disabilities all mixed in. Further confirming something wrong with my daughter.

My aunt was a psychologist an I thought she would have some clue about autism. She tried to have a conversation with my daughter, and she got a lot of 'I don't knows' and my child really does speak in her throat, being that she is very hard to hear and she was anxious.

Aunt believes the power of words havinga great impact, and instead of saying I am anxious, rather to say ' I am uncomfortable, as if that could change and my child be able to socialize.

I am questioning how I am with my daughter, I know I do much for her in verbal help. I do know now that I am going to leave much to my child to decide what she wears, eats when she eats etc.. I could be contributing to her dependency.

What do you think? Thanks for reading.



btbnnyr
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27 Sep 2014, 11:49 pm

A person should not live to a label.
At 17, it is time for your daughter to take steps towards independence, and you could help her by having her do some of the things that you have been doing for her.


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zette
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27 Sep 2014, 11:58 pm

Quote:
My aunt says to me in relation to my daughter who is insecure in herself, ' I remember a little girl who used to be afraid ' implying me.


My impression of this quote is not that she was implying you were influencing your daughter to be anxious, but rather that you and your daughter have some traits in common, and that you turned out ok despite being anxious at that age.

She likely has a very outdated idea of autism, and moreover doesn't have day to day familiarity with your daughter. You are the best judge of whether a particular program is a good fit and helpful or not to your girl. Trust your instincts.



RightGalaxy
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30 Sep 2014, 8:38 am

The best thing you could do is to recognize what parts of you that you see in your daughter and to remedy those in a way that you wished people had done for you as you reflect upon your own youth. I think that's what your auntie meant but she just didn't say it like that - she expected that you'd understand this naturally just as you expect your own daughter to know things whereas she doesn't. She needs to be explicitly told. You may need clarification of things being said as well as your child does. Teach your daughter to ask for clarification and you should ask for clarification as well. At times, we aspies actually don't know what questions to even ask - so, it will have to be trial and error. Stay positive and do all that you can possibly do for her. A person is as a person does. Life is too short for labels. Stick by her, tutor her on all things, release her a little at a time but always provide an emotional safety net.



KariLynn
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04 Oct 2014, 8:40 am

zette wrote:
Quote:
My aunt says to me in relation to my daughter who is insecure in herself, ' I remember a little girl who used to be afraid ' implying me.


My impression of this quote is not that she was implying you were influencing your daughter to be anxious, but rather that you and your daughter have some traits in common, and that you turned out ok despite being anxious at that age.

She likely has a very outdated idea of autism, and moreover doesn't have day to day familiarity with your daughter. You are the best judge of whether a particular program is a good fit and helpful or not to your girl. Trust your instincts.

I strongly second Zette. Your Aunt is well meaning, but not necessarily on target.


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Kawena
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04 Oct 2014, 11:05 pm

And I "third" Zette! That's the way I would interpret those comments as well.

I think rather than "live the label," you see what's difficult for your child and help her gain skills to improve on those. It's what parents should try to do for all kids, AS or NT or whatever. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and we could all use some support in using our strengths to help our weaknesses.