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Andrejake
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08 Oct 2014, 8:03 am

Well, sorry for the long text. I tried to write it short but i couldn't.
Ive met a guy on my university a few weeks ago and although i was happy for finally, after two and a half years alone there, having someone interested in me outside of "just study" intentions, it is driving me crazy now because sometimes he says some stuff that makes me feel bad, but i can't understand if he is doing it with bad intentions.
He have been on my classes before but we never talked, until he needed help with general hydraulic and i helped him with some information. After that he is always sitting next to me.
The thing is, since a few days later situations like this have been happening:
*He started to talk about his job, which is in a very important multi national company here. He asked me about where i worked, i answered and thought we were done with the subject. A few moments later he said to me that i should try to work at the same place as him, but i answered no. Although i wasn't interested i tried to ask a few questions, look interested and (for some stupid reason that i don't know why) i ended up saying that my brother help me when i need to fill a formulary for jobs and things like that. He laughed really loud and asked me if i was "too dumb to read what the formulary was asking and doing it myself". I couldn't answer, my brain was frozen looking for an answer that wasn't "i'm autistic", so i left the classroom that we were and haven't talked to him until next class.
I'll try to cite some other situations like this one in a summed up way:
*Another day he asked me if i liked something, i answered "no". He asked if i've done it before (it was about working outside of an engineering office) and i said "no". He then said to me that i act like kid a lot of times, and answering that i don't like something if i've never done it before is the answer he would expect from a six year old child. Again, i muted and couldn't give a proper answer.
*Another day he (who started to always sit on the desk that is on my left) asked me to sit with him on the other side of the room (without any apparent reason to do that). On the first day i said no because i like to sit on "my place" everyday. On the next day he did this again and i moved to where he was. Since i was feeling really uncomfortable, i denied when he asked the same thing on the next day and he started laughing again. Once more i was confused.
*Yesterday he said that his nose was hurt and when i asked why he answered "Oh, maybe it's just the drugs". I asked why he used drugs, because they could harm his health but he laughed and said: So you really don't get sarcasm hahaha". This time i forced myself to at least answer: No. I don't know what he meant with that, since i've never told it to him and was thinking that i was going well with the social clues/literal language and stuff like that (but apparently i wasn't lol).

So the thing is, he have made me feel awkward and since he is always laughing i can't say if he is mocking me. I've heard before that NTs (specially male NTs) have this way to play with each other, always making jokes about almost everything, and that is the reason i'm still denying my desire to never talk to him again because maybe he is not being mean.
On the other hand i'm also afraid that i've spent so much time alone that when i am finally meeting someone it is someone who will make me feel that bad everytime and my loneliness is not letting me see this. I am not too "sensitive" about my autistic traits and even i have made jokes and laughed about weird things that i did, but since i don't know him really well i'm not comfortable with his way of acting. This is driving me a little crazy right now, so i would like a few advices.
Anyone that have gone through something like this? It really sounds that he is just being a jerk and i should get away from him? Should i be more patient and try to adapt?
Sorry for the long text and Thanks for any advice.



nerdygirl
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08 Oct 2014, 8:31 am

Ultimately, I am confused too, and would be if I was in your situation.

I do know that sometimes people laugh when they are trying to process something that makes no sense to them, or when someone gives an answer they don't expect. They find it funny in a way that is not humorous, but off-kilter, and laugh. That could be the source of his laughter. However, he does seem to be "trying" you to see how you will respond to different things. He may suspect you are autistic. I don't think he is being outright rude, but it is understandable that you would feel awkward and insulted.

If he didn't like you at all, I think he'd just ignore you and leave you alone. I think there is something about you that interests and intrigues him.

At this point, I think you need to stop putting up with the aggravating behavior. You could tell him straight out why you respond the way you do. Or, you can just ignore his overtures.

Either of these will help to bring out his "true colors". If you start ignoring him, he will either leave you alone (indicating he is really not that interested in getting to know you) or he will change his approach (indicating that he does want to get to know you.) If you tell him straight-out that you are autistic, either he will rudely make fun of you, or he will act with understanding.



BirdInFlight
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08 Oct 2014, 9:09 am

Reading this, I don't like him. While I realize that NTs may engage in this type of humor, mocking each other, and have no problem with it, I have a problem with it, and thus, to me, in my opinion, he's a jerk. I do find him coming across as a jerk, yes.

It's not nice to just blurt out things like asking if you're too stupid to fill out a form yourself. Maybe he's being playful or teasing but frankly my whole life I have never liked THAT kind of playful and teasing. There are actually sweet, nice, and kind ways to be playful and teasing, and these are not those....

I agree with nerdygirl, either start ignoring him and avoiding him, and maybe he will get the hint. Or, if you wish to do this, tell him outright that some of the ways you are is because you have autism -- it will either shame him into being more damn understanding, or he will tease you worse, but at least then that will remove all doubt that he's a mean jerk.


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kraftiekortie
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08 Oct 2014, 9:49 am

I wouldn't mention autism to this guy--I would just tell it like it is: tell the guy he's being a royal, sophomoric as*hole.



League_Girl
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08 Oct 2014, 10:02 am

Ow, I wouldn't think to treat someone that way. Maybe he is just socially awkward or just making fun of you.


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Andrejake
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08 Oct 2014, 10:34 am

Thank you guys for the responses.
So there is a chance that he is being a jerk. I was worried that it could be me being too paranoiac.
I don't like that kind of behavior too BirdinFlight, that's why it's bothering me so much.
I will try to act normally next time we met and probably will not mention my autism until i'm more sure about what kind of person he is.
But i think that it can be as League Girl said and since i know how it is to be misinterpreted as being rude i always want to (at least try) to be sure before i decide if someone is being mean.
I will do as Kraftiekortie and nerdygirl said and try to just mention that his behavior is offensive for me and try to see and understand his reaction. Based on his answer i should be able to decide to just ignore him and move on or keep going with this to see what happens.



Summer_Twilight
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08 Oct 2014, 11:19 am

Yeah it sounds like someone that you don't want to associate with. He is a jerk next to not understanding your situation. I also agree with one of the comments above about not mentioning the Autism. People like that love to ask about your external services rather than look at you as a whole. As for meeting people there are clubs on campus where you can go and get involved.



IsabelNT
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08 Oct 2014, 1:53 pm

This sounds like a difficult situation, Andrejake. I'm sorry he hurt your feelings, that is never nice.

However, I'm not sure he's being purposefully unkind. It sounds like he is trying to tease you, but that he might not realize he's upsetting you. Maybe he has trouble reading people, or maybe he is just forgetting to pay attention. Either way, your reactions so far haven't made it clear to him that you don't like this behavior. Even leaving the room, as you did after the first time, can be misinterpreted.

No one should ever hurt your feelings on purpose. But people hurt each other's feelings accidentally all the time, and the only way to help them stop is to let them know, gently but firmly, when they are doing it. It could be that he is hurting your feelings on purpose - in which case, what an a**hole, and I would try to avoid him - but it could also be an honest mistake.

Especially the fact that he tried to make a joke with you (the one about his nose and drugs) makes me think he might be trying to be friendly with you and just not know how. It's up to you whether you want to work with him to help him figure out ways to interact with you that are kinder. You definitely aren't under any obligation to do so, but making friends, even as an NT, requires a lot of negotiation and communication about boundaries.



helles
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08 Oct 2014, 2:12 pm

Have you read up on "red flags"?
Warning signs everybody should know, especially people who are not well skilled in social interactions.

Been there done that. Learning to look for another kind of boyfriend. :?

Eg. on this page https://www.psychopathfree.com/content. ... %20d-Flags



Andrejake
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08 Oct 2014, 9:33 pm

That's exactly why i'm being so careful about how to treat the situation IsabelNT, but after the responses that i had here i already kinda know how i should react to him.
Interesting text Helles, but i really hope that this is none of the cases mentioned there. Even so it was nice to read about that kind of people.



Andrejake
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10 Oct 2014, 7:03 am

Just to let you guys know, i talked to him last night and although i'm still not sure about what this is all about i'm more relaxed with the situation.
He poked me during our lesson (I HATE WHEN SOMEONE POKES ME), so i controlled myself, waited until our class ended and said to him how his behavior was driving me crazy and making me feel awkward. To my surprise he said he was actually trying to be funny and know me better, and he even thought he was doing well. When he said that i was like this inside: So who is the socially blind now huh?!? lol
I will still wait for a change on his actions before i let myself get into it, but at least now he openly said that he wasn't just trying to make fun of me.



nerdygirl
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11 Oct 2014, 9:09 am

Andrejake wrote:
Just to let you guys know, i talked to him last night and although i'm still not sure about what this is all about i'm more relaxed with the situation.
He poked me during our lesson (I HATE WHEN SOMEONE POKES ME), so i controlled myself, waited until our class ended and said to him how his behavior was driving me crazy and making me feel awkward. To my surprise he said he was actually trying to be funny and know me better, and he even thought he was doing well. When he said that i was like this inside: So who is the socially blind now huh?!? lol
I will still wait for a change on his actions before i let myself get into it, but at least now he openly said that he wasn't just trying to make fun of me.


I am glad that you were able to calmly tell this guy he was bothering you and making you feel awkward.

From this point out, if he does really care about being your friend and getting to know you, he will try to avoid things that make you feel awkward (understand that at points, he may fail.) If he consistently continues to do things that bother you despite your saying so, then he does not care about your feelings.

The reason why I originally gave you the advice I did is because when I first was getting to know my husband (we were not dating yet), he did many things that annoyed me/bothered me/made me feel awkward and overall made me feel like he was treating me like I was his kid sister. At one point, I had it out with him and told him to stop treating me like a little kid.

Well, he changed his approach to me (I don't remember details about what he did before/after), and we ended up getting married. We've been married 17 years now. He still likes to tease, though... However, I needed that teasing in my life to learn how to not take things so seriously, and also to learn that sometimes people tease because they love you. I also learned that I can take teasing from people with whom I feel "safe."



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13 Oct 2014, 6:22 pm

I totally get your situation. I hate when someone talks to me that way. It makes me feel stupid. When I read the description at first, it did sound like he is a little jerk-like, but I've noticed a lot of NT guys are that way, I don't think that he meant to be mean, even though it seemed that way.

Its good that you had the guts to tell him that you didn't like how he was treating you and that he said he didn't mean to offend you, because I find it really difficult telling people that there behaviour is offending me, but hopefully his behaviour changes.


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