attractiveness and aspergers

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Where, in any medical text or other source, does it state that a requirement for Asperger's Syndrome is that someone must be aesthetically unattractive?

As I've posted in other similar threads, I bet that many of us are more attractive to others than we believe ourselves to be.

Personally, I used to believe I was quite unattractive for most of my life. Over the last few years my perception of myself has changed from negative to neutral to just the positive side of neutral, but I still don't feel like I'm "attractive." However, I've had some amazingly positive unsolicited compliments on my appearance from others.

One girl I worked with said that when she first met me she thought "wow, where do they get these construction workers? Abercrombie & Fitch??" implying that she thought I looked like a trendy fashion model. Obviously I was flattered, somewhat surprised, etc.. but yeah, it reminded me that others sometimes perceive us as much more attractive than we perceive ourselves.

I had a similar experience recently when chatting via email with someone who said a few times that they are quite attracted to me from my pictures.. their compliments were so positive that I wondered if they were kinda putting me on a bit & just kidding around - but nope, apparently they were being sincere.

Also, thinking about it now.. w/ the number of sexual hookups I've had in my lifetime to date, there are a lot of people that find me more attractive than I find myself to be lol & perhaps I should focus a bit of time and energy on my own self perceptions and thinking that I am in fact a bit more attractive than I automatically assume myself to be. Statistical data does justify it. I just can't imagine myself being someone to think of myself as "hot," ya know? But it couldn't hurt to feel more attractive, I suppose, so long as it doesn't cross the line to being narcissistic or arrogant.

And if you scroll up to the post I made in October, I have an AS friend that I think is absolutely gorgeous - and so do others - but he doesn't perceive himself as such. All of which brings me to the point that it's an AS trait to be a bit self depreciating, including about one's own appearance.

One more example: My little cousin, who I believe has AS traits, is very attractive. She's been a dancer all her life and a professional football cheerleader for a couple of years. There are certainly some very good looking aspies out there.

As within the general populace, certainly there are those of us who are attractive Aspies (and I don't mean, at all, to be conceited, but I am attractive).

Anyhow, I think there is a real difference! Amongst people that I know and meet, I pretty much don't judge how they look. Now, I can relate factual attributes about them: voice, age range, coloring, size, even how they dress, etc. The difference is that I assign no meaning to these attributes - I just don't care.

But I think neurotypicals do care more. So it's hard for me to gauge their reaction, if that makes sense.

Case in point: I have a good friend I've known a long time, kind of like a sister to me. I promise she is good, kind, successful and really smart - I trust her implicitly. Resultantly, I consider her absolutely beautiful. Kind of surprised to learn that others only regard her as marginally attractive. In sum, I guess I have difficulty differentiating inner vs. outer beauty.

To me, inner beauty is outer beauty. That's literally how I see it.

It's not uncommon that people who others consider attractive, appear very unattractive to me, and vice versa.

I remember in the first grade, some kids were talking about which girls were pretty. None of the ones they mentioned really seemed very pretty to me. I thought this was kind of a weird thing to even be rating people on anyway. I chimed in and said I thought this was one girl was pretty, who also happened to be very kind. They all looked at me like I was nuts and said, uh, no, she's not pretty. lol

Just look at the pictures here (I know I'm repeating myself!)

There are very many attractive people of both sexes on the Spectrum.

In my 20s I especially hated the attention, it was unwanted and a ring made advances easier to dismiss, my ex loved when we walked down the street and I turned heads, it just made me feel like an ornament.

At times too I've had reason to wary since I might be more likely to be taken advantage of, or manipulated, because I look approachable. In fact, I am very shy. So there's a sense of vulnerability.

I've met plenty of very shy people who have succeeded quite well in their chosen field.

The common denominator: the ability to LISTEN rather than merely TALK.

They take in influences like a sponge, instead of letting the influences leak out of the sponge because they don't LISTEN.

I'm a person who used to be shy, but is not really shy now. Perhaps, had I remained shy, with the ability to LISTEN, I might have done much better in m life.

The ability to LISTEN provides one with the potential to absorb much--therefore, becoming more and more ATTRACTIVE as time proceeds.

In regard to the OP: I can see how being attractive and being an Aspie, would be difficult, because we don't, by "nature", like all the attention; and, God KNOWS we don't know what to do, when someone comes-on, to us----sometimes, it's either because we don't catch the cues, or because we don't, seemingly, feel worthy, or something. Yes, being attractive, afforded me some things----but, I've been told that the reason why very few asked me out, was because people are intimidated by good-looking people----thinking that they're not good-looking, enough, to be with them, or something. I often got asked out by some of the most disgusting people, on the planet----men, who were not physically attractive, and who thought they were God's gift to women; which made them not attractive, on the INSIDE, either.

Also, I am very outgoing, and I like being nice / caring about people / doing things for people / helping people; and, all-too-often, people take that to mean "push-over"----meaning, they think they can dish-out ANYTHING, and I'll buy it; and then when I DON'T, I'm the one who is "wrong"----but, their trying to manipulate someone whom they thought would be easy to manipulate, is okay?

I had low self esteem too, what I wanted attention/validation for was me, as i was on the inside, the real me. The problem is that after a while I realised that men were usually just interested in me physically, and not for who I am and that is when I really started to resent the attention, because to me it was empty and vain and superfical, and wouldn't lead to anything of substance.

i feel like a waste of a good face.. all those girls that approached me were repelled by theautism

Yep, I get that (I understand). I liked, though, that people approached me, GENERALLY speaking, because then I didn't have to figure-out how to try to approach THEM; BUT, as you say, the majority being so superficial, DID get old. I always felt that if a really good-looking person thought I was attractive, then I believed it; whereas, if a really ugly person told me, I didn't----the same with, if a really intelligent person told me I was smart, I believed them----but, it's all subjective, isn't it.

I see this a lot. Part of how people perceive social skills is in whether they think you give a crap about what they are saying. You also have to be entertaining, and shy people are at a disadvantage there, but if you don't appear to be listening, either, then you are doubly disadvantaged.

An attractive aspie is going to be an enigma to people. They will approach you more readily, and probably give you the benefit of doubt, at first, but their effort will be unrewarded so they'll judge you harshly.

Iv'e also learned that it's not just the face that makes you attractive, it's your body type. For men, the ideal look is tall and slim with a good looking face. Between 5 ft 10 and 6 ft 2 is ideal. Being short also makes you less attractive, if you're 5 ft 6 and under and skinny you probably aren't viewed as attractive. If you're really fat then you're probably not viewed as attractive as well. Being short and fat isn't a good combination to have.

So if you're a man who's between 5 ft 10 to 6 ft 2 and if you're not too skinny and not too fat, congratulations you are the ideal body type.

Last edited by darkphantomx1 on 06 Mar 2015, 9:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

Einstein wasn't physical attractive, either--but who cares?

Physical attractiveness if but one of many attributes which are contained in people.

My seven year old son Julian has Asperger's Syndrome. He is also a handsome, completely "normal" looking little boy. He has a good handle on his emotions (for the most part) now, but will still throw the occasional tantrum in public. When he was a toddler and unable to speak to express himself these tantrums were much worse. I left many a cart full of groceries at the local stores. The stares and remarks from other adults about how my child was behaving were rude and uncalled for. I felt I had to explain his condition, or look like I was a terrible parent. I agree it may have been easier for he and I both if he didn't look like a "normie" kid who just has a bad attitude, as opposed to a usually sweet and loving boy who couldn't express himself.