are these things rude to say?

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I'm thinking about things I have said to people where they have taken offence and thought i was being condescending. Can you explain why they would think some of these things are insulting?

1. Did you take a gap year or just begin school late? (I was asking because the guy was graduating college at 23)

2. Him: Can I show you how to chop an onion? (In a kitchen job). me: I know how to chop an onion.

3. me: Are you a picky eater? her: a little bit me: Yeah i noticed.

4. Her: A doughnut has 700 calories. Me: A doughnut only has about 300 calories, I think that people have a tendency to overestimate calories.

Please reply, NT responses would be very helpful.

I have made mistakes like this in the past. Still do. So, this advice comes from what I have learned through personal experience.

1. Don't make assumptions. The problem with your answer here is that you assumed that you knew the two (and only two) reasons why someone might graduate at 23. In fact, there are more reasons. Someone may not even want to discuss the reasons they are graduating "late." Some people take a year off from school because of personal reasons they don't wish to discuss.

2. If you are at a job and someone is suggesting to show you how to chop an onion, that person obviously thinks you are doing it wrong. You can say, "Do you know a better way?" What is the problem with stepping aside for a minute to watch someone show you how to chop and onion *their* way? If you do this, you might actually learn a better way (ask him to explain why it is better if he doesn't tell you.) You also build a relationship instead of tearing it down because you are helping the other person feel better about himself. He can look good and important and also share information with you. It is possible that his sharing information with you will build you up, too.

I also know from working in a kitchen that there are better ways to chop and onion - quicker and with less tears. I don't follow that rule at home, but when I worked in a kitchen cutting 20 onions in a row, you better believe I did it the "right" way.

3. You pointed out something negative in the girl. No one likes that. I find this one hard to not do, and a lot of people say things like this. I just try to keep my observations and opinions to myself, unless it is necessary to say something. I don't always succeed, though.

4. You come across a little bit as a know-it-all here. You also make an assumption about people and their tendency to overestimate calories. I have learned it is not really polite to correct people. It is very annoying for me to leave things uncorrected if I know what is right. It is a bit of an art to figure out when a correction is necessary and when it is not. In this case, I would say that the caloric content of a doughnut is not going to make much difference in one's life unless one is eating doughnuts everyday.

All in all:

I have done better socially just by keeping my mouth shut. That is the best advice I can give. I get along better with people and in social situations by following this rule (though not perfectly.) I don't have any more "friends" than I used to, but I don't have less either. I DO, however, have more acquaintances and people with whom I can chat casually. I rarely offer my opinion or talk about myself, unless I am specifically asked. I will listen (sometimes I have to pretend that I am interested), and I ask a lot more questions than I give answers. If I can keep people talking about themselves, things go better. (I'm not talking about long conversations here, just occasional casual ones.)

Be humble. Be humble. Be humble. This goes along with the first piece of advice. Don't assume you know anything. And if you know that you DO know something, don't be in a rush to share it. Judge if it is necessary. Be willing to be corrected.

And, for the record, I have met PLENTY of obnoxious NTs who have no problem blurting out why they are so much better than someone else and people who cannot stop the run-off at the mouth. These problems are not necessarily AS-related. It is just that those with AS tend to be a little more blunt and matter-of-fact about it, so it comes across differently.

And I will tell you one of my most embarrassing verbal faux-pas. I was at a party and saw a woman with a baby. I asked if it was her first. She said "no." I said, "Oh, I didn't think so. You look old enough to have other children."

All of those things are rude.

1 and 3: NEVER point out anything that could possibly be constructed as a fault (not finishing college at 22, being a picky eater)

2: At the same time that you must never correct or criticize, you must ALWAYS accept correction and/or criticism gratefully.

4: Don't correct people. Ever. Unless it puts someone's life and/or safety in danger. Please remember that these rules don't apply to you (ie, if someone corrects you, even nastily, you are not allowed to get offended).

even if I was just trying to get to know #1? I asked because I thought he would say something like "yeah I took a gap year and traveled"... and it would lead to a conversation. How did you know they were rude?

okay thank you for the advice, so I should never share my opinion with anyone, like if I disagree?

It's going to vary by the context of the situation. A good guideline might be to consider if your opinion is about the person or about something else. Your comments about the girl being a picky eater and what the guy did during his year off school are both about those people. If they're self conscious about those things they're going to be offended or uncomfortable by you making comments about them. In those cases, it's probably best to keep your opinions to yourself.

The situation with the onion is a little less problematic. It's not about the person, but about the activity of cutting the onion. If you think you know how to cut the onion correctly or if you think someone else is doing it poorly, they're probably not going to take your opinion on the matter as a personal insult, so long as you phrase is politely and in a non-confrontational way. For example:

"You're cutting that onion wrong!" = making the statement about the person and therefore could be offensive
"I have a neat trick for cutting onions, would you like me to show you?" = makes the statement about yourself and the activity, and is less likely to cause offense.

Even here though, something that you should probably consider is how well founded your opinion is vs the opinion of the person you're talking with. With he onion example, if this is your first day in the food service industry and the other person is the branch manager, it's still probably best to keep you thoughts to yourself.

yes, he was the manager. Thank you!

Impossible to tell without context, i.e. being there and seeing it. People say all sorts of s**t which on the surface sound horrifically rude. But it depends on how well the people know each other, whether it's banter, etc. Likewise, seemingly innocent comments can be like receiving a dose of concentrated poison depending on the giver.

I'll still have a go at answering though.

#1 - Dunno why the guy would take offense at this one. Really does seem harmless to me, so something else must have been going on underneath the surface or just beforehand.

#2 - Your response could be construed as snappy or short. Maybe the guy was watching you chop an onion and didn't think you were doing it the best or fastest way. If you really didn't want to be shown, then adding a "thanks" would make the refusal more palatable: "thanks, but I already know how to chop an onion".

#3 - Seems like harmless banter, but again depends on tone. Tip from me: most women don't like banter.

#4 - Most people (this includes men as well) don't like being corrected as well. But I'd have said something similar to you.

This could be taken as implying that he was held back a year at school. Or maybe he had to resit some exams because he failed to get the grades to get into collage first time round. These are things that he might be ashamed of so if you didn't know him that well then it might be considered insenstive and rude.




Depends on context. But if he was more expert than you and was trying to teach you something useful then you would have come across as know it all and rude. There is more to chopping an onion than one thinks and there are efficient ways and inefficient ways. Everyone knows how to chop an onion but to do it efficiently and well there is a good technique. But some people, like my wife, refuse to learn. What you could have done is just let him show you. Then you can assess whether he has taught you a better technique than you already knew and apply it if you wish.



Being a picky eater is something people might be a bit embarrassed about. If you had just not said "Yeah I noticed" at the end it would probably have been fine but the "yeah I noticed" could be taken to mean that you thought it was really obvious that she was a picky eater and thus made her more self conscious about it.

What you could have done is said. "Yeah me too I prefer to say that people like us have refined tastes though " This would show you are not judging and are actually empathising.



This would come across as a bit annoying. Firstly people don;t like being corrected particularly on trivialities. By adding the last comment "I think that people have a tendency to overestimate calories" could be taken as meaning that you think you are better than "most people" because clearly you don;t over estimate calories again this would come across as annoying. What you could have done is say something like "Oh I read somewhere that they only have 300, so lets have two!" that would have conveyed the information in a slightly humorous way.

They are only considered rude if you're talking to an extremely sensitive person who takes offense to everything. Otherwise, no, I don't think they're rude in general. What are we supposed to do? Go around talking to NTs like they're babies?

I've had an NT say to me what you said here.

Okay, I don't really have alot to add----just, basically re·iteration and agreement of others....

Firstly, there IS at least ONE donut that has 700 calories----I just Googled "What donut has 700 calories"----but, maybe not donuts, in general. Neither you or the girl should have made such a broad, know-it-all statement!!

Secondly, I think if you wanted to start a conversation with the 23 y.o., it probably would've been better to say: "Oh, did you take a year off to travel, or something?" The way you said it, it left too much room for thinking you were putting him down.

Thirdly, you didn't say whether or not the manager asked you about showing you how to cut an onion while he was watching you cut an onion. Either way, I totally agree with nerdygirl on this one. What's the harm of letting someone show you? What if they show you a better way? Then, you've learned something, and have appeared cooperative. Even if you don't learn anything new, you're still appearing cooperative.

I agree with all the others that said: "Never correct someone". I recently corrected both of my sisters for totally different things, and neither one of them liked it. I thought SURELY I could, in a loving way, correct my sisters because I thought they would much rather be told something by someone they knew, and in private, than someone correcting them, publicly. NOT A CHANCE!! I think, too, they didn't like it cuz they are both older than me. I think that's silly----why can't we learn from each other!?!?! I've learned alot of stuff from people younger than me!!

Anyway, the other thing is: DON'T BE A KNOW-IT-ALL!! ! If, for no other reason, but because you couldn't possibly know it ALL!! ! (I'm so thinking about an episode of "The Big Bang Theory", right now, when Sheldon's mother told him the same thing!! LOL)

A "trick" I've learned----and someone else gave a really good example about making your statement about a "thing", and not the person you're talking to----you can make a statement that's about YOURSELF, and not about the person to whom you're speaking. Like, for instance, maybe with the donuts one. You might have said: "Really, I thought they only had about 300 calories". That way, you might open-up a conversation----she might tell you about something she read, for instance. If you think her thinking is ridiculous, that's okay, just keep it to yourself, cuz at least, maybe, you'll have started a conversation, and you might find something else on which you agree with her!!

I think I know where you're coming-from. Part of the problem, maybe, is that we Aspies are "challenged"; so, when WE learn something, we think we're helping someone else by giving them information, freely, so that they won't have to struggle to learn something, maybe. The thing is, though, people take our giving them information as pointing-out a weakness in them----and NOBODY likes looking stupid, or whatever!! I know, you might be thinking "why wouldn't someone want the 'correct' information?", but that's just the way it is!!

Keep your chin, up----as you can see, I'M still learning----but, maybe, look at it this way: When you stop growing (learning), you die!! !

Re donuts. Here's a list of calories for Krispy Kreme donuts. They're American, but widely available in the UK. As you can see, some are a bit higher than 300 and others are a bit lower, but the average probably works out as being very close to the 300 mark.
http://calorielab.com/restaurants/krispy-kreme-ca/3005

Similar story when I looked up the calorie counts of donuts from M&S, a British supermarket. Look at the per serving column, not per 100g. (If you check it that is!)
https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com ... 616342.pdf

Apparently Winchell's bear claw donut has 700 calories. but look at the size of the thing. It's a monster.
http://www.jenyceats.com/wp-content/upl ... nchels.jpg

So topic creator, you were right. You can annoy your friend even more now.

My supervisor took offense at how I point out obvious things as if I think she's an idiot. All I'm trying to do is make conversation. I suppose it shows how I don't hear how I sound to others.

A very complete explanation of what you're asking is in this OP & thread
here => http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt87241.html

You got some of your answer when you started this thread
here ==> http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt267875.html


Personally, I can tell you that if you were around me, I would absolutely appreciate your integrity in the sharing of factual information. I do not appreciate the deception and manipulation that is built-in to almost ALL NT communications.

I think you are 100% correct in what you are doing, and those other people are caught up in an imaginary world of identity worship.
They interact socially in order to get a chemical "feel-good" in their brains.
You do not provide them with this. You serve them up cold reality, which they experience as an emotional punishment.
Their identities then deploy a set of algorithms that I have named "The Punisher".
The Punisher is part of a set of mechanisms to protect the hive mind from reality.

My post is not an NT response, and I doubt I could help much with that.
I just know that they (NTs) expect you to interact with them in ways that give them the emotional feel-good.

edit=> Many times that emotional feel-good would come in the form of you validating or at least acknowledging their position in some hierarchy, as in the case of your manager.
That's what they expect, though I think it wrong in principle to do so at the expense of communicating inaccurate information. In other words, I would not hesitate to tell him/her that they were wrong if they were.

Last edited by olympiadis on 16 Oct 2014, 4:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

In the case of most NTs, this is probably true.
If there is a real/factual basis for your differing opinion, then I would absolutely like to hear it along with the explanation. I'm concerned with collecting as much accurate information as possible and with efficiency. I'm not normal though.


Perhaps more importantly, who would eat only one Krispy Kream when they come in batches of 12?

wow this seems complicated :/ do NT's really think about this stuff?