Trying to make sense of this...

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shilohviolet
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22 Oct 2014, 8:39 pm

I work with a man "J" who is highly intelligent and kind. I first saw him a year ago and I haven't stopped noticing him since. I am usually not attracted to someone like this and I tried to convince myself that I wasn't attracted to him. I have always dated men who were selfish, physically attractive, and they treated me horribly. This man could be considered awkward in social situations, yet he is amazingly talkative when talking about our field of work. I've heard him make a joke and sometimes people laugh and other times, people just kind of smile as if it wasn't funny but they were being polite. He is respected in his field and his boss has great things to say about him saying that he is a great guy. I know his boss as I know his family. I noticed little things over the last year when I am around him (we work in different departments, but sometimes we are in the same place depending on work). I have experience with my son having ASD and I see things that remind me of him. I notice that he always eats and drinks the same thing for lunch. I was told by his boss that he has "narrow food tastes". The reason I talked to his boss, is because he asked me about how my ex was doing thinking that we were still together. I stated that I was not with my ex any longer and I grew scared that he may have mentioned me and my ex in front of "J". A few months ago, I worked up the courage to ask "J" if he would like to get together sometime. He said that would be fine, but he works so much and I can confirm that he does because he is always there days and nights at work. His job is demanding and he has a lot of responsibility. Early on, I introduced myself in person and I volunteered to give him my cell number (not expecting him to give me his). As he entered my number into his phone, he rang my cell number and I ended up with his number. I texted here and there and he would respond, but he clearly was not a person who preferred texting as his boss stated that he doesn't always answer text messages. I personally hate text messages, but I thought he would be better with that than being in a situation where he had to talk on the phone since he seemed nervous. I would see him at work after that and he would have sweat beading on his forehead and he would nervously shake. I felt horrible thinking I caused him this much stress. His boss said that he had never dated anyone, but he wanted to settle down and have children, which he loves dearly. I have not been getting responses from texts, and I told him that i didn't want to stress him out and I was sorry and offered to not bother him. My heart breaks thinking of him being that nervous or worse, not wanting to be around me. I have fallen for this man and his quirks. I think he is an amazing person and I see him being very devoted to a very lucky girl. I have missed out on someone like this and I see him and I feel like I love everything about him. I want so much to let him know that I would accept him for who he is. I wouldn't change a thing about him. Many people consider him "nerdy", but I am not seeing this. I am not someone who is desperate and I have been told many times that I am attractive. I turn down people who have asked me on a date because I just see him and only him. To me, he is not nerdy and I love everything about him from his clumsy walk to his awkward jokes. I texted him and I get no response. I don't text all the time, just occasionally to keep in touch hoping he will answer during one of those times. He never has to worry about me not wanting him for who he is. Can anyone give me an idea of what he may be thinking from an Asperger's/ASD point of view. I don't ever want to pressure him or make him feel like he can't be around me. I will leave him be if he wishes or should I just say hi once in a while to let him know that I am still there? If he gave me his number, why would he do that if I didn't ask for it, yet he doesn't respond or answer on the infrequent occasions I do text. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to make him nervous either. Thanks for any feedback.

Shiloh, NT



auntblabby
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22 Oct 2014, 8:53 pm

do you have his snail-mailing addy? if so, here is some unconventional advice- copy your post, preface it [in writing] with a brief intro/foreword, put the body of your post in the middle, then conclude [in writing] with "what do you think?"

btw, welcome to WP 8)



shilohviolet
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22 Oct 2014, 9:43 pm

That sound great and original Aunt B. Unfortunately, I only know his work addy and I am afraid to send something like that. I really appreciate that.

Shi.



auntblabby
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22 Oct 2014, 10:11 pm

I am sorry you are in this situation. I can speak from experience that such men present very high walls to surmount. they are protecting a very fragile core ego with super strength defenses which unfortunately mean they will remain alone. he protects himself via immersion in work. he is in his safety zone that way. I wish you the best of luck.



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22 Oct 2014, 10:21 pm

Yeah, a very honest straightforward approach might be best for this guy. Not all ASD folks are the same, but it is fairly common that they like things laid out plain and easy to understand. He might also be very frank to the point of sounding harsh. That is often not the intention. Many of us don't automatically know the nuances and what might come across wrong.



shilohviolet
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24 Oct 2014, 7:22 pm

Aunt Blabby and Toy Soldier, thanks for your feedback. It's nice to get an outside perspective. I have wondered about if I offended him in some way. Straightforwardness will be my new approach. Truly appreciative.

Shi



auntblabby
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24 Oct 2014, 7:23 pm

if you want this relationship to go forwards you are going to have to do the bulk of the heavy lifting, as it were. IOW you're gonna have to be the proactive one. he will go along for the ride if he feels safe.



indy5
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24 Oct 2014, 10:48 pm

auntblabby wrote:
do you have his snail-mailing addy? if so, here is some unconventional advice- copy your post, preface it [in writing] with a brief intro/foreword, put the body of your post in the middle, then conclude [in writing] with "what do you think?"


God no!! ! .. don't do that!! ! ... just call him up (no text), or ask him out in person ... and NEVER say anything like the following quotes: (in text or vocally)

shilohviolet wrote:
I am usually not attracted to someone like this and I tried to convince myself that I wasn't attracted to him. I have always dated men who were physically attractive

shilohviolet wrote:
I have experience with my son having ASD and I see things that remind me of him... he always eats and drinks the same thing for lunch... I've heard him make a joke.. people just kind of smile as if it wasn't funny

shilohviolet wrote:
I want so much to let him know that I would accept him for who he is. I wouldn't change a thing about him... He never has to worry about me not wanting him for who he is

shilohviolet wrote:
His boss said that he had never dated anyone, but he wanted to settle down and have children...I have fallen for this man and his quirks. I think he is an amazing person and I see him being very devoted to a very lucky girl.


I feel like a woman would slap me if I said those things ... I thought relationships were based on flattery ... you listed alot of negative/awkward traits

When you say, "I see him being devoted to a very lucky girl." It sounds like you are basing that on his inexperience, lack of physical attractiveness, horrible social skills, inability to do better than you, or because you are finally willing to settle for a nice guy.

And you wrote that he doesn't like texting, and he hardly ever responds to his boss via text, so why do you keep thinking he will text you back?? .. just call him, or ask him out again in person. It sounded like he wanted to go out the first time you asked. Ask him if you can sit with him at lunch, or if he wants to go somewhere for lunch. You need to initiate any contact, and be forward about your intentions, he won't catch onto your subtle flirts.



rdos
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26 Oct 2014, 10:10 am

This one is a real tough one that I've avoided answering for a while.

First, the people that stated that she needs to take a lot of initiatives herself are right. This is the only way for her possibly getting into a relationship with him.

However, this doesn't answer the question about how to get out of an exclusive obsession like this. I've experimented with this, and there are basically 4 different ways to get out of it (mostly based on where you are in the process).

1. Directly after getting a crush on somebody, I can decide that I won't be seeing this person again, so it is impossible to get anywhere. This works provided I can convince myself it is true. This is hardly applicable in this case.

2. If I decide I might meet her again, but I don't see her for about 2 months, then I get a second chance of opting out and the crush will vanish. This will also be hard to do in this case as they are too involved.

3. If I pass the two month mark, and also see the girl regularly, it will be increasingly hard to get out of. As I wrote elsewhere, I've been stuck-up in that for 10 years after having a crush for 3 years and seeing her almost every day. That's not an attractive option at all.

4. The last solution is a lot more odd, but at least it worked for me once. Instead of aiming at closure and getting out of the attachment process, I made it proceed beyond the contact phase. It was all imagination from my POV (with a little help from the girl). I was able to convince myself we hugged each others and that we proceeded to a regular relationship. It was much like the imaginary relationships discussed elsewhere (and borrowed inspiration from them), but it was a real girl and a real crush. Now, the advantage with this is that once I left the contact phase, the obsessions disappeared, and so did the exclusiveness of it. This happened without breaking the attachment. This could be a useful approach provided you are able to imagine enough to move it beyond the contact phase, and you actually want a relationship (or just thrive on imaginary relationships).



auntblabby
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26 Oct 2014, 2:36 pm

^^^
:thumleft: :thumright:



AngelRho
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26 Oct 2014, 3:34 pm

I've been struggling reading this thread, also. I think rdos pretty much nailed it!