Approaching girls

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I have female friends (and now each one of them hates the other, as usually happens in every girls group. ) - if they ever complain about this stuff, they usually complain about not seeing any "good guys" or no good guy is liking them - but they never talk about a specific guy not liking them back. Maybe that's exclusive for girl-to-girl talk only.

Yes, I think so in the sense of conveying you are interested in them and not just the poetry (or whatever environment you are in). Although I may be biased in that I tend more towards openness.

But certainly not in a rude or suggestive way, or in a desperate or too serious way. Its engaging at a casual level to see if there is any mutual positive first impression, or at least establishing a initial contact that might be followed up if you meet again. I don't think it good to see such chance encounters as all or nothing, but instead as planting seeds that may bear fruit later on. Odd things do happen, but in general, nothing worth having is easy to get.

I think its important to have an 'easy come, easy go' attitude at this point. You don't want to sell yourself short and do want to try and give the impression that you are a interesting and worthwhile person. Outside appearance can be attractive but inside they might be horrors, and so you don't want to over-commit at first, but instead leave space for them to show you they are interesting and worthwhile.

In this specific case, you might engage in a bit of strategizing, like attending more poetry events, in the hope of making more opportunities to meet her. That is something I would have done. But if it developed, I would have felt impelled to spill the beans and tell them at some point that I was specifically going to meet them and only mildly interested in poetry. Part of that openness I mentioned earlier.

I see. So my ultra-conservative approach of not letting anyone know my intentions at all was a bad idea. I should be a bit more open like other people probably are. I don't think I can make it to anymore poetry readings. They have them at 5:00PM and I've been accepted into a training program that has a good chance of leading to a full time job. It takes 40-60 minutes to get from town to my neighborhood so I won't make it on time.

As a woman, my perspective is that you should only try to approach me if you have something to say. If you are admiring me from a far, I will unlikely notice you. If you approach me with some cheesy line or slide up on me on a bench, I will likely ask you, politely, to go away. But, if you have something to say that interests me, I will likely engage you in conversation. So, the question becomes, what do you say to a stranger you wish to engage? The honest, simple, and yes shallow answer, would be compliment her. Nothing weird like "your hair smells nice". That would be creepy. But something sincere, that you really noticed about her without going overboard. Don't approach a woman and tell her she is a goddess. Pick something subtle, but lets her know you noticed her. If her nails are done, comment on the color. Say you like her shoes, unless you don't. The key is being honest, but not aggressive. Be casual. If she was filming the event with her phone, you could ask her if she enjoyed it. Tell her what you thought of it. You will either hit it off or not, but you definitely won't if you are too passive to try, or too aggressive in your approach. I know it is really confusing and that is a lot of words. But, I hope that at least a portion of it is helpful.

As a woman, my perspective is that you should only try to approach me if you have something to say. If you are admiring me from a far, I will unlikely notice you. If you approach me with some cheesy line or slide up on me on a bench, I will likely ask you, politely, to go away. But, if you have something to say that interests me, I will likely engage you in conversation. So, the question becomes, what do you say to a stranger you wish to engage? The honest, simple, and yes shallow answer, would be compliment her. Nothing weird like "your hair smells nice". That would be creepy. But something sincere, that you really noticed about her without going overboard. Don't approach a woman and tell her she is a goddess. Pick something subtle, but lets her know you noticed her. If her nails are done, comment on the color. Say you like her shoes, unless you don't. The key is being honest, but not aggressive. Be casual. If she was filming the event with her phone, you could ask her if she enjoyed it. Tell her what you thought of it. You will either hit it off or not, but you definitely won't if you are too passive to try, or too aggressive in your approach. I know it is really confusing and that is a lot of words. But, I hope that at least a portion of it is helpful.

Actually that does help. Thanks Kurushimi.

I'm not advocating using a line. I'm advocating sharing experiences.

You both were at a poetry reading. You both should have impressions of what was read.

I wouldn't broadcast my intentions at all. I would just talk to the lady as a PERSON.

Then I would be unlikely to notice you as I only notice girls that will engage in quick glances and thus would show that they admire me in return



I don't start random conversations with strangers, especially not if I'm romantically interested in them. Never happens.

Generally speaking, people who end up together are those who already know each other fairly well. You don't just get to walk up to some random someone and strike up a conversation.

Unless?of course?that's the whole point of the gathering. Still, why single out this particular person? Are you on speaking terms with anyone else there? Or are you only concerned with someone who is "drop-dead gorgeous"?

NOT a guilt thing, NOT saying we haven't all done this at some point. You're asking about approaching girls, so, yeah, at some point you have to stop and say "hello."

So, basically, it's just simply a "Hi! Howya doin? Enjoying things so far? Anything in particular stand out? Oh yeah? Why is that? Oh, so you're into ____? Cool! Tell me more about? I see? So where are you from? What do you do all day?"

There might be smoother ways of phrasing all that, but the whole point is to show interest in someone and get them to open up about themselves. Don't focus on yourself and your interests unless the other person seems to be genuinely interested, but rather show them you're a good listener. In other words, keep the other person talking, and don't talk about yourself unless the things you disclose has implications for her own interests. This, btw, is very difficult to do for probably most people, so as the one initiating the convo, keep your ideas and interests to yourself unless invited to share?and keep it brief and to the point when you DO share.

One way to shift focus away from yourself is to ask for help. "Yes, I write poetry. I'm a big fan of [famous poet] and try to emulate his style, but?I dunno?lately I'm just not feeling it. What do you think I should do?" If she's a creative writing person, she might clue you in on some likely familiar tricks to get the juices flowing. You might have heard it all before, but you don't care?you want to communicate that you're into this person. Keep her talking. You say, "I think I've heard that before, but I was never sure exactly how to do that. Can you explain how to??"

I look at it as solving the problem of how to buy 5 minutes of someone's time. My theory is that people are where they are for specific durations. When they meet perfect strangers, that throws a monkey wrench into their plans for that event. Maybe they have the time to spend, but it's rude to assume that they do have extra time. So if you know what a person is in the pattern of doing, you arrange to meet up same time next week, or whatever. You're not strangers anymore. If you've done your homework, you've had a couple of 5-minute exchanges, you're both becoming fast friends, so inviting someone out for a slice of pie isn't a big stretch. That can turn into dinner next week, and pretty soon you dinner+movie, dinner+bowling, dinner+all-night skating rink, an entire day at the zoo followed up with a basketball game with beer and buffalo wings immediately following?

It's inevitably the case that once I say "hello" to a girl I'm interested in, this will be the beginning of a relationship. At that point, we already have flirted at a distance for some time, and we kind of know that there is mutual interest and know we are compatible.

OTOH, if I do start a conversation with a girl that I haven't flirted with first, I can be pretty sure that I'm not romantically interested in her, rather that I need to talk to her, or want to be friends only with her.

By the way, Retro: Congratulations!

This is a victory for Donkey-Kongers everywhere!

You could flirt with the chicks within that great IT job which will come your way.

In this day and age men are not supposed to approach women esspecially socially awkward men because it gives off a creepy stalker ish vibe.

Understood, but you understand this creates a mutually exclusive situation? You can't succeed unless you break "the rules."

What works for me is I get attention by doing things I enjoy that I happen to be good at. The woman takes the initiative just to meet me. I may share about myself a little bit--I mean, she DID approach ME after all--but I'd rather hear what she has to say about what she likes.

If you're shy and introverted in social situations, then all you have is what you do, i.e. your own gifts, talents, and/or special interests. If someone thinks what you're doing is cool enough to approach you about it, you don't have to worry about your "opening lines." You already communicated who you are without saying a word. So focus on the other person as though you're interested (hopefully you ARE interested), and you'll win more times than not.

Thanks

This sort of throws a spanner in my college plans but maybe I'll like this better instead.
It certainly pays better than college

I was thinking of that. It seems to be 90% guys for some reason but it's still worth a shot.

Hmmm. Sometimes I wonder if I look creepy. My lurching gait and sleep deprived Uncle Fester look might give me the impression of creepiness.

Thanks

This sort of throws a spanner in my college plans but maybe I'll like this better instead.
It certainly pays better than college

I was thinking of that. It seems to be 90% guys for some reason but it's still worth a shot.

Hmmm. Sometimes I wonder if I look creepy. My lurching gait and sleep deprived Uncle Fester look might give me the impression of creepiness.

only ever heard it from my sister every week about the guy at work.

I wondering and worrying a lot about if this girl likes me and if I am doing a good job showing interest or not

So you admit complimenting the woman is shallow, and yet you seem to count it as “having something to say”?

If I were to do it, I’d expect an answer politely inviting me to go away and keep admiring her from afar, as she has better things to do with her time than talk to unworthy admirers.