I feel like my family doesnt understand.

Page 1 of 1 [ 11 posts ] 

Starwars1776
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2014
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Posts: 17

17 Nov 2014, 3:41 am

Over the past weekend my sister was home from college to visit, and the whole time she was trying to converse with me and sometimes I didn't know how to respond so I dont say anything. She gets mad and i am unable to respond with even basic communication, my sister responds by saying i'm being dismissive and rude, and that i walk around with an inflated ego. She goes ahead and tells my mom all of this and my mother says im gonna grow up to abuse women and that she gives up on me and wants to send me to a foster home. the whole time both blaming my communication problems on videogames. and they think i read my symptoms on the internet and that im faking all of it.



Jayo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jan 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 857

17 Nov 2014, 8:11 am

OK...I know exactly what's going on here.
To our way of thinking, hers seems like a totally irrational response, and it took me years to figure this out, that it's just NTs being NTs.

The VERY FIRST, visceral assumption NTs will make about someone who acts aloof and responds with silence is that they're a narcissist making a power play. They see it as a passive aggressive attempt to get power and control over others, then they are projecting their interpretation of your behavior into a relationship context where, they predict, you will use your tactics to covertly abuse women.

They take this interpretation because it's more common, and therefore more convenient for them. Remember, NTs look at everything, every possible motive, through a socio- political lens, by default. They' re too "lazy" or in denial to analyze it more in depth that there is an alternate explanation, that being autistic you are consumed by your inner thoughts and freeze up when a smooth spontaneous reply is expected.



yournamehere
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Oct 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,673
Location: Roaming 150 square miles somewhere in north america

17 Nov 2014, 11:36 am

^^^ this. Yes. Has got to be the best explination I have ever heard, under these circumstances.



Starwars1776
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2014
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Posts: 17

17 Nov 2014, 12:40 pm

Jayo wrote:
OK...I know exactly what's going on here.
To our way of thinking, hers seems like a totally irrational response, and it took me years to figure this out, that it's just NTs being NTs.

The VERY FIRST, visceral assumption NTs will make about someone who acts aloof and responds with silence is that they're a narcissist making a power play. They see it as a passive aggressive attempt to get power and control over others, then they are projecting their interpretation of your behavior into a relationship context where, they predict, you will use your tactics to covertly abuse women.

They take this interpretation because it's more common, and therefore more convenient for them. Remember, NTs look at everything, every possible motive, through a socio- political lens, by default. They' re too "lazy" or in denial to analyze it more in depth that there is an alternate explanation, that being autistic you are consumed by your inner thoughts and freeze up when a smooth spontaneous reply is expected.
My sisters and my mother all say that i walk around thinking im better than others and that i think everyone is dumb, even though none of this is true.



Callista
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Feb 2006
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,395
Location: Ohio, USA

17 Nov 2014, 12:53 pm

It's a shame that they think that. If you were a narcissist, it wouldn't bother you that they thought of you that way, ironically; but since you're not, it does.

Do you think they would listen to you if you explained that you are not very good at conversation and you prefer to listen instead of talking, that you might not be able to think of something to stay and just not say anything? I don't know if they'll believe you; I don't know if they'll understand that it's a simple problem of not being able to find words. Still, you could give it a try.

If they would be willing to read a note from you, that might be an easier way to explain. Don't write it very long; no more than half a page. Many NTs don't like reading long things. It only works if they actually read it and take it to heart, but it's worth a try.

If they are open to actually discussing it with you, try asking, "What is it I do that gives you the impression that I think I'm better than you? I want to know what it is, so that I can stop doing it, because I don't actually think I'm better than you."


_________________
Reports from a Resident Alien:
http://chaoticidealism.livejournal.com

Autism Memorial:
http://autism-memorial.livejournal.com


geometrictunneling
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 16 Nov 2014
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 66

17 Nov 2014, 12:55 pm

Jayo wrote:
OK...I know exactly what's going on here.
To our way of thinking, hers seems like a totally irrational response, and it took me years to figure this out, that it's just NTs being NTs.

The VERY FIRST, visceral assumption NTs will make about someone who acts aloof and responds with silence is that they're a narcissist making a power play. They see it as a passive aggressive attempt to get power and control over others, then they are projecting their interpretation of your behavior into a relationship context where, they predict, you will use your tactics to covertly abuse women.

They take this interpretation because it's more common, and therefore more convenient for them. Remember, NTs look at everything, every possible motive, through a socio- political lens, by default. They' re too "lazy" or in denial to analyze it more in depth that there is an alternate explanation, that being autistic you are consumed by your inner thoughts and freeze up when a smooth spontaneous reply is expected.


Wonderful.



Starwars1776
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2014
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Posts: 17

17 Nov 2014, 1:26 pm

Callista wrote:
It's a shame that they think that. If you were a narcissist, it wouldn't bother you that they thought of you that way, ironically; but since you're not, it does.

Do you think they would listen to you if you explained that you are not very good at conversation and you prefer to listen instead of talking, that you might not be able to think of something to stay and just not say anything? I don't know if they'll believe you; I don't know if they'll understand that it's a simple problem of not being able to find words. Still, you could give it a try.

If they would be willing to read a note from you, that might be an easier way to explain. Don't write it very long; no more than half a page. Many NTs don't like reading long things. It only works if they actually read it and take it to heart, but it's worth a try.

If they are open to actually discussing it with you, try asking, "What is it I do that gives you the impression that I think I'm better than you? I want to know what it is, so that I can stop doing it, because I don't actually think I'm better than you."
whenever i try to explain myself they tell me to shut up and say im becoming a dictator. i honestly feel like i would be better off living in a foster home.



nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,587
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont

17 Nov 2014, 11:18 pm

Starwars1776 wrote:
whenever i try to explain myself they tell me to shut up and say im becoming a dictator. i honestly feel like i would be better off living in a foster home.
I'm really sorry to hear that. I had lots of problems with my parents not understanding my issues & during my many many many meltdowns my mom would sometimes threaten to put me up for adoption, send me to juvi, military school, or just throw me out. Some of it was them joking or just being frustrated but I didn't interpret it that way. I had LOTs of communication problems with my parents & was accused of being a potential abuser to women or anyone who would get in a relationship with me. I defiantly felt like I would be better off in foster care too at times but I have amuch better relationship with my parents nowadays; it's not great but it's better than what it was. Your welcome to PM me if you'd like to talk to someone who can somewhat relate.


_________________
But I don't want to go among mad people, Alice remarked.
Oh, you can't help that, said the Cat: we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
How do you know I'm mad? said Alice.
You must be, said the Cat, or you wouldn't have come here.


StarTrekker
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2012
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,088
Location: Starship Voyager, somewhere in the Delta quadrant

18 Nov 2014, 1:01 am

Your profile says you're diagnosed, but at the age of thirteen, one of your parents would have had to make the diagnosis possible; did they take you to a doctor for something else, and the doctor then diagnosed you with autism, which your parents refused to believe you had? I'm slightly confused.

As for your problem, is it possible to talk to whoever diagnosed you, to see if they could convince your mother and your sister that you're not just a hypochondriac/faker?


_________________
"Survival is insufficient" - Seven of Nine
Diagnosed with ASD level 1 on the 10th of April, 2014
Rediagnosed with ASD level 2 on the 4th of May, 2019
Thanks to Olympiadis for my fantastic avatar!


Starwars1776
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2014
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Posts: 17

18 Nov 2014, 2:24 pm

StarTrekker wrote:
Your profile says you're diagnosed, but at the age of thirteen, one of your parents would have had to make the diagnosis possible; did they take you to a doctor for something else, and the doctor then diagnosed you with autism, which your parents refused to believe you had? I'm slightly confused.

As for your problem, is it possible to talk to whoever diagnosed you, to see if they could convince your mother and your sister that you're not just a hypochondriac/faker?
I was diagnosed at age 11 but my sister constantly talks to my mom who just follows whatever my sister says.



Callista
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Feb 2006
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,395
Location: Ohio, USA

20 Nov 2014, 1:07 am

Starwars1776 wrote:
whenever i try to explain myself they tell me to shut up and say im becoming a dictator. i honestly feel like i would be better off living in a foster home.
The trouble is that a foster home might not be any better. What you're dealing with right now isn't extreme abuse, not the sort of thing they put you into a foster home for. I thought the same thing as a kid; I used to get hit by my stepfather and generally labeled as the family problem. I thought a foster home or military school would've been better, too. I'll never know if it would've been. Maybe; maybe not. Usually they only put you in a foster home if you've been physically hurt or sexually abused or neglected so badly you were sick or starving. I think you've probably got to figure out a way to survive where you are.

At thirteen I was learning that my parents could be wrong, that I had to make my own way. I became emotionally independent around that age. I don't mean that I rebelled; I mean that when I obeyed, it was because I had decided to do so, not because they were my parents. That's what the teenage years are for: Forming your own identity. Learning to depend on yourself. Most people don't have it as hard as that, but plenty of people have had to deal with parents who were incompetent, abusive, dismissive, or preoccupied. Growing up, for those of us who can't depend on our parents, means learning to depend on ourselves. When you have a disability, it means learning to find your own help, advocate for yourself, rather than hoping your parents will advocate for you. I'm sorry you have to learn it this way, but I survived it, many people have, and so can you.


_________________
Reports from a Resident Alien:
http://chaoticidealism.livejournal.com

Autism Memorial:
http://autism-memorial.livejournal.com