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NiceCupOfTea
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27 Nov 2014, 9:19 pm

Sorry.

Stress and depression are overwhelming me again. Had a meeting on Wednesday, which left a bad taste in the mouth. Remember my dad who called out the police a few weeks ago? Well, even if you don't, he did. We haven't spoken a word to each other since. In the meantime, my housing officer got in touch with a more senior social worker. To cut a long story short, I was asked if I wanted to pursue criminal proceedings against my dad because he used to occasionally batter me. I said no. The meeting was all about that, and whether I was capable enough to give informed consent, and my current level of risk. Everyone decided, yes, I was capable, and that there was no immediate risk.

The housing situation is utterly up in the air. Whether I do it via social housing or private renting, I will have to move out: my staying at the parental home for much longer isn't viable. I can't see my relationship with my dad ever recovering from this. It has been fraught and volatile at the best of times. He blames me entirely, I am sure of it: I've never seen him take personal responsibility for anything of any significance.

I'm desperately lonely, and yet turn away from most people. It's quite rare, but whenever I do feel a connection with somebody, it's always somebody out of my reach. I never, ever seem to meet anyone who I'm interested in and who's interested in me in return, single, not working with me in a professional capacity, etc. etc.

So yeah, can't say life seems like it's deeply worth living at the moment. And for the love of god, don't tell me I don't know what's around the corner: the only thing waiting around the corner for me is yet more crap.



kraftiekortie
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27 Nov 2014, 9:31 pm

I'm sorry you're going through this.

In order to offset the bad, one must think of something good--even if it's fantastical.

Maybe a move to different quarters will do you good.



NiceCupOfTea
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27 Nov 2014, 10:40 pm

Thanks kraftie :-/

I literally can't find it within me to think of anything good. My life is in such ruins, archaeologists could study it. *sees time* Time for bed... :?



androbot01
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27 Nov 2014, 10:53 pm

I'm not familiar with the incident with your father, but if the police are involved, I assume it's violent. I encourage you to leave the environment.
I recently experienced a similar situation, although mine didn't involve violence. But my Mom and I were living together and we were constantly bickering and losing our tempers. So we decided to move to separate apartments. We aren't far from each other, but we are getting along a lot better.
I was nervous about living on my own and honestly it is lonely. But I feel better for the move. I am slowly becoming comfortable with myself.



B19
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27 Nov 2014, 11:01 pm

Let's step back together and look objectively for a moment at your post and its title. First thing that I noticed from doing that is that there are 9 issues here, and that is a lot to have swirling around in your current life and thoughts. Here's the list:

1 Stress
2 Depression
3 Housing
4 Conflict with parent
5 Loneliness
6 Turning away from most people
7 Usually attracted to unavailable people
8 At the moment, life lacks meaning/seems meaningless
9 Rage, guilt and beating yourself up ("I'm A Moron with Rage Issues")

With all that going on, no wonder you are feeling stressed and depressed!

First things first: take care of your physical self - get the rest you need, the food your body needs, and find someone safe to vent and offload with (helpline?) to ease the stress effects on your body. Your cortisol level is possibly sky high right now. If you can, relax; if you can't, get a relaxation disc and lie down, shut your eyes and listen to it. Let that constant tension in your muscles, face and mind just go.

Then decide in what order you are going to address the list of issues, and then FOCUS ONLY ON ONE.

Let's say you choose housing. Draw a circle and write Housing in the centre. Around the perimeter put all the things you have to do or could do to solve this - all the ideas that come to you; don't judge them at this stage, just write each one down in a separate space and connect it with a line to the centre. You are creating a map of possibilities.

Now go around the ideas and rank them in terms of ease of completion and immediate importance.
Then make a list of these for things to do on the housing project and create a timeline: the day you will do each of the things you have identified. This will help you to focus solely on this problem for the time being.

Whatever one you choose, bring it into this kind of focused attention with a plan for action. That will help you regain a sense of power and control over your life and current circumstances.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break on that. You can recover, and I think you will.



NiceCupOfTea
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28 Nov 2014, 8:23 am

Lolzers, I got a warning from a snotty moderator (what other kind is there?). "deal with it" - I will, mate.

B19 - Thanks for your post, I do appreciate the kindness behind it. But I'm done here. I'm just going to keep on taking pot shots until I get banned, which shouldn't take long, given the shiny new "Report" button. Aspies are meant to be a***holes, m8s, don't you know the popular perception of them? If so, you don't hang around on the same forums that I do. Or, indeed, met the same Aspies that I have online.

So i'm done. I'm sick of life and I'm sick of the precious and unique snowflakes on here. I don't care about 99% of you, just as 99% of you don't care about anybody except yourselves. Look at poor ASS-P: homeless and about to lose his toes to gangrene, but you're not about to send him anything, even if you could comfortably afford it. (Or, more likely on this site, if your parents could comfortably afford it.)

Oh, and mods? If you're going to warn/ban me, just do it and don't be a twat about it. I've seen mods make comments that regular users would get modded for: it's just like they can't resist. Must be all that having to control themselves in front of the regular users, so they take it out on the wrong 'uns like me.

Bye folks. I'll probably end up dead by my own hand sooner or later. I've come close to death few times in the past few years anyway. (One was a suicide attempt.) One of them should've panned out, I should be dead by now and some other slightly less utterly useless and pointless person still alive in my place.

NCOT



androbot01
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28 Nov 2014, 8:33 am

Oh dear. *hugs and ducks*

There are strategies for dealing with rage - especially if it is interfering with your life, which seems to be the case. I think a lot of it has to do with getting through the moment. For me, rage is like a pain and acting out (self-harm in my case) is a way to expel the pain, momentarily anyway. I just try to hang on and get through it. That probably doesn't help, but I am sorry you are feeling badly.



NiceCupOfTea
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28 Nov 2014, 8:46 am

Thanks, androbot.

I don't express the rage much in real life, apart from the occasional extreme meltdown. I feel irritated with other people a lot, but I try to hide it.

On one or two forums I've managed to learn to contain myself, because I don't want to be banned from them. But here; well I kinda feel like I don't fit in anyway. Ironically enough, I'm not "positive" enough. I want to learn more about the dark/negative traits of having an ASD, because I believe they exist: http://www.paulcooijmans.com/asperger/a ... rized.html

I just want to try to understand myself better and that means understanding the dark side of me. Because I do have quite a dark side, which is virtually impossible to explore with anyone in real life. I want to know if it's the ASD or not.



androbot01
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28 Nov 2014, 8:55 am

NiceCupOfTea wrote:
But here; well I kinda feel like I don't fit in anyway. Ironically enough, I'm not "positive" enough. I want to learn more about the dark/negative traits of having an ASD, ...


I have found the same thing. Especially in the last year. There seems to be a strong group of posters who insist that everything can be made roses and puppies given enough effort. It's annoying and I hope the trend turns.
It is almost impossible sometimes to deal with unpleasant realities because others just don't want to hear the bad stuff.



kraftiekortie
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28 Nov 2014, 9:33 am

I do hope you stay in WrongPlanet, for I believe it will be beneficial for you.

You might be irritated with some of the members; but there are others with whom you will have common ground.

This is definitely so with me.



Eloa
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28 Nov 2014, 10:12 am

Moving out seems to be the most important at the moment.
When you have experienced a violent history with your father you should leave soon, because your nervous system will never relax as long as you live in the same place.
The dark side you experience is a traumatized part in time in you.
I don't think it's the AS.
But AS can make it harder to deal with, because autistic people usually have a harder time looking for support, getting support that takes the autism into account, communicating about emotional events etc.
A support forum for only positive people doesn't make sense.


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kraftiekortie
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28 Nov 2014, 10:23 am

There are "positive" people on this Forum. There are also realists here. Realists who are compassionate, rather than snarky.

Input from the realists who have been through what she's been through will be beneficial for her.



B19
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28 Nov 2014, 10:46 am

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.nz ... piral.html

Relate to this, NCOT?

Her pieces on depression might gel with you too.



NiceCupOfTea
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28 Nov 2014, 11:32 am

Had lunch, 2 cups of tea, and did the Guardian's quick crossword (well, some of it. It was pretty hard today). I'm pleasantly surprised to see I can still post, but I also have "1 new message" in the top right hand corner of my screen. I'm not even going there; if it's another warning, I don't want to know... >.>

@B19 - Heh, that strip was great. Dunno if you have ever seen this site - http://theoatmeal.com/ - but the artwork and even the sense of humour strongly reminded me of it.

@kraftie - You're definitely one of the 'good guys'. I don't mean that in an American superhero sense. It's hard to explain >_>. But I think you're a good guy with a natural kindness about you.

@androbot - I haven't been here long enough to see the change for myself. But I can imagine it. There is a certain depression board that a good online friend of mine left because he simply didn't like the turn it was taking. He felt that "negative" people were being dismissed for being too depressing and not being allowed to have a voice of their own. Personally I think he was spot on and that the forum in question has got even worse, but then I suppose I would say that. (Note to mods: no, I'm not banned from the depression forum, I just don't post there anymore.)

@Eloa - Several people are on the case in trying to help me move out. My housing officer has been brilliant and is a large part of the reason why I haven't given up. But the decision ultimately rests with the council - if they say no, the only option left is private renting. If they say yes, I'll have to go into homelessness accommodation for a while but should become a higher priority for social housing.

It's all very difficult. I've lived an incredibly sheltered life in many ways, but it's also been an incredibly oppressive one at times. It's affected me really, really, really badly. My mum is far less affected, although she hasn't quite the same experience as me either - my dad has never hit her for example.

Anyways, I'm just rambling now; better post while I still can :p



blueblahbleh
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28 Nov 2014, 12:38 pm

The message is from me. Sorry you are having a rough time and I hope things get better soon, NCOT.



blueblahbleh
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28 Nov 2014, 12:38 pm

The message is from me. Sorry you are having a rough time and I hope things get better soon, NCOT.