So, ya, relationships.

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So I didn’t come to WP in a long, long time, so much that I almost forgot, but I kinda feel like the need to express myself, there… It’s been days that I cut myself from pretty much everything, I’m feeling more depressed than when I was in depression and in need of a therapy, I barely eat and only come back on the computer every so often, actually I don’t know when I’ll be able to come back here, I just couldn’t stand there without expressing myself a bit so I took two hours and I wrote... but I'm not expecting anything, to be honest. I just wanted to talk, but the situation can't really be helped. Even though she’s never going to see the thread, I’m not gonna throw the details out of respect for her as I know she’d dislike that, but here’s the thing. Sorry for the terrible quality of my english today.


So, almost two years ago, I met a girl online. We quickly got talking on Skype. At first, she only connected every two or three days, and whilst she wasn’t logged in I couldn’t help but wonder with anxiety if I’d talk to her again or if she’d just… suddenly disappear, you know? Because I couldn’t get this feeling out of my head. We started by talking a few hours during the afternoon, since she was tired after and I had troubles with keeping the conversation interesting. Yet, at some point, we started talking, like, a lot, about eight hours a day as an average, and I somehow managed to stay up to two in the morning while talking to her every night. We were both aspies, shared a pretty good amount of common points, and everything. So… yea, I felt in love with her without even seeing her. It’s already pretty hard to find another aspie, so sharing that many common points, and everything… it felt incredible, and I slowly got more and more anxious, because it was still an Internet thing, she could literally just delete me from her contact list for some reason and I’d never see her again, or she could just meet someone, or whatever. Also, one very important thing is that I hate things that… move. I hate when things are suddenly changing, when they’re not defined. In other words, the variables, what I don’t know, it’s something that can make me stress a lot, I was in need of something constant. For now, I’m worried to death about my studies and the fact I might fail my competitive exam; once I’ll be in the school, I won’t be worried for the least. Same thing for love, I have no interest in a short-term relationship, I’ve got no desire to hook up with thirty ladies while I’m still young, I want something stable, that will always be there, a true love, in short. Which is something that I will most likely find more easily in an aspie than in a neurotypical, especially since I don’t give away my trust like that.

So, about six or seven months after we met, I told her I wanted to meet in real life her next year (it would’ve been three months ago from now, if she agreed). I don’t know what went through my mind, but I thought it was just too great to wait until it’s too late, I felt like, even if that could be hard for me and everything, I just had to do it, and I thought she somehow came to the same conclusion; obviously, she refused. But still, my anxiety got even bigger with that. I was a bit desperate, because I originally intended to meet her in real life, see how things would be going, and then, well… tell her that I loved her. Unfortunately, since that couldn’t happen, everything was changed and lost for me; I don’t remember everything from this period, because it was just too much stress and I tend to forget what happens when my anxiety is at its worst, but I ended up telling her that I loved her. It took some time, a lot of “yes” and “no” and other answers when I asked her if she felt the same, and eventually I ended up barely eating and being so anxious I lost 10kg in a two months period (never went back to a “normal” weight, I’m still considered as underweight)… but she said yes.

I didn’t want to get too excited, because she hesitated so much I was afraid she’d tell me no again, and then we were 600km apart from each other, I didn’t really know what to do or how to do it… but, after that, things went… pretty good. She told me that although she was afraid of it at first, she always felt something for me, that she’d always be there for me, and a lot of other promises. My anxiety started to fall down, to the point where I had none but a bit of stress about my future sometimes, nothing too big, she actually managed to make me trust her. She always had been very anxious too, more so than me, and I was granted the possibility to help her, now that I was in a more elevated status in the relationship. The only real issue was proximity, because we were so far away from each other, it was pretty hard to feel close through conversational words only; I had barely seen her face, never heard her voice, and everything. We started being more affective on Skype, with the /me as well and everything. She had real issues doing so, and I wasn’t quite sure what to do about that, I wasn’t more experienced than her for the very least. I asked her if she liked it, she told me that she did, but she’d need help to get better. Alrighty then. On we go.

Things were well, but the proximity factor was the only thing that made it wrong. Eventually, we kind of got in conflict about that multiple times, because I needed her more than she needed me in terms of love. Nevertheless, I always was very, very cautious to always leave her a choice; she could or she could not do it, I asked her multiple times during the relationship, It was all her choice, and of course it’d kinda sting to have to live in a relationship without doing anything with it, but if that meant she’d be happier, I would have did my best to live with that. Since she had so much anxiety about numerous things, I always was there to help her, and when I say always there, I mean it, she could just go and ask me anything she wanted at any time, I’d grant it. I had more work, my nights were pretty bad and they still are so I was tired more easily, I had some health issues and everything, so of course I couldn’t afford to talk to her from 11am to 2am nonstop, but we still conversed a lot and probably more than any couple that don’t live together. When she asked me to reassure her on all manners of topic, I was there; when she needed help to understand something, I was there; when she had troubles writing, I was there; really, I’ve been here for her at every single moment of the relationship. We were both home-schooled, she could just ask me something at any point, and I’d answer, always. I tried to tell her how much I loved her as much as I could, and I made great efforts to be the first to send her pics / make her hear my voice and whatever you want so she wouldn’t feel too exposed when she’ll do it but I still left her all the time she ever wanted to do so and I tried to help her feel better about herself too so she could do it.

I’m not trying to sound as if I didn’t make any mistakes, that’s not true, I did and apologized every time I saw them, but because I acted with so much care for her and always left her the choice, I minimized the errors as much as humanly possible. Let’s tell the truth, she had way more issues than I had, and I was fine with that, with helping her, with waiting for her; I made everything I could to overcome my shyness and ended up doing it successfully very quickly on most topics. Every time she made a wrong step, I didn’t mind, it was alright, everyone does mistakes, especially on a first love. The few times where she was really mean, I forgave her, I didn’t mind. The one and only thing I kept asking was that we got closer, if not physically, then at least mentally. Giving out affection was hard for her, but it seemed to be the most simple thing to do, given the rest was even harder, apparently. I even proposed that I would talk/turn on the webcam/send pics, whatever, and she’d just listen or watch, I was fine with that too, that way she could just get used to my voice/face, and I would feel like I’d be doing something with her… but, well, she refused too, too hard as well apparently.

A few days ago, she went at me, told me I ruined and broke her, that she’d been unhappy for a whole year, and everything. I didn’t quite understand what the heck that was all about, really. What she had against me is that I wanted to be close too much, that I was forcing her (and I never, never ever done that, I always was very prudent not to do it, but because I felt sad when we weren’t doing anything couple-related in some time she somehow felt like she couldn’t express herself, no matter how many times I told her to open herself to me if need be), and everything. Whilst it is true that I kept wanting affection, because I needed to feel like I had a girlfriend that wanted to be with me even though we were kilometres away from each other and I felt like it was pretty normal for a couple to show they were in love of each other, she never told me she disliked it. Actually, she told me she liked it, that she just needed time, and I was perfectly fine with that. During the whole year, she said she liked it, she was happy with it, and everything; yet she came and acted like I was the worst f****r ever. As if I was supposed to see through her lies, to see that she felt bad even though she never said a definitive word about it while not even seeing her.
She also told me I wasn’t there to reassure her, which was a blatant lie again, because even though I ended up feeling powerless seeing her not getting better, reassuring her so much on many things but not being able to talk to her orally to really do something, I still did it every single time. And that’s a lot of times.

So, alright, I admitted that I, indeed, wanted affection, maybe a lot, but I want to make clear that I always left her the choice, I regularly asked her what she wanted to do and she always wanted to keep going, I always tried to talk and I always waited for her. Plus, I didn’t care about the words themselves, I cared about her. I just wanted to be with her. In two years, she’s sent me about fifteen pictures or something whilst I sent her about fifty, we barely ever talked orally, never even been on the webcam, and I was alright with that, I disliked not being with her more, but I was alright with that if she had troubles with it, as long as she atleast tried. Really. We weren’t playing the same games, but near the… break-up? I proposed that we’d just start roleplaying together on a forum, you know, just to do something with her, that’s really all I wanted, to do something with her, whatever helped me to feel a bit closer was welcome.
I also admitted that I might have been rough sometimes, because the fact we could barely speak to each other panicked me a hell lot and, yeah, perhaps I didn’t realize it at that moment, perhaps I did a mistake there. My bad.

Now, is it necessary to tell me everything while threatening me to break-up? I hardly think so. I always fought for her, I always left her the time, and during the whole year she was unhappy she could tell me at any moment, at any point, I would’ve done anything to make things better, no matter what I had to do. She chose to lie to me about how she felt and considering the state of our relationship, I could not see through it: that was her choice, and even if I accept the fact that I apparently did hurt her at some point, I can’t take the blame of not caring for her because she didn’t give me a single tool to do so. Yet, I get blamed for that. When I was in depression, feeling like killing myself, I still smiled to the others; I never blamed my very own parents if they couldn’t see something shrouded so well by a false emotion. This is the exact same thing, only I was actually ill and I actually did it in real life, which is much harder already.
That, apparently, she refuses to understand; but I always said it when something felt wrong for me in the relationship, because I feel like this is how it’s supposed to be, right? You talk with the other about how you feel and what you want, all the time, otherwise things go wrong. She did hurt me, a lot of times, but I always went like “whatever, sweetheart, I love you no matter what”. She made mistakes; I never cared, even though I told her when I felt like she did a wrong step. I always left her the choice, I can’t stress out enough how cautious I was not to force her to anything, and during the whole year she felt bad she could tell me at any point, I always encouraged her to tell me what was wrong. I never threatened to break-up, because even when I was really sad and not feeling motivated, when I had anxiety about our future as a long-distance relationship couple that will someday have to meet up, I still wanted to fight for it, and I know if I did what she did, I’d hurt her a lot. Meanwhile, she just threw everything at me in one day, and I’m supposed to do something about it.

I tried to talk to her mother, and on second thoughts, that might not be the most brilliant idea. Basically? When I told her her daughter never told me a single thing about how she felt, she didn’t care, as she told me. I thought she could act smarter than that, but I was mistaken. I understand she’d want to protect her, but it’s kind of sad that she decides to act as if I, 600km away, would be able to see her like she could see her; so, yeah, whatever. If she’s decided not to try to understand how it felt from my point of view, I’ve got no business talking to her, I just thought that she could act as a more neutral and mature party. Wrong move, alright, I misjudged that.

I might have told my girlfriend a few things that I didn’t really think, and so she did I think (well, I hope she didn’t think all of that) during the day she threatened to break-up with me. I don’t remember well, it was just… too much anxiety, and as I already explained when I’m really anxious I kind of forget what happens during that time, which is probably for the best for my mental sanity. Anyways, she had asked me something for Christmas. Yesterday, I sent that something to her, along with a few texts, which might be the last I address to her. I promised I’d take care of her no matter what, and I’m holding my promises… it’s her choice really, to break-up everything, I offered to change what needed to be changed, I offered to talk calmly and whatever she wanted, because, yeah, as I said I want to fight for our couple. So I asked her to think about it, like really, until she’s calm enough to answer, but to not reply now, because I can’t take it; and it’s true, I’m hella sick and depressed right now. Ever since I’ve been in depression, when I’m really sad, I tend to be closer and closer to getting back into it, which is scary, because it didn’t end that well… and that’s kind of a huge blow, to lose her, like worse that my first depression.
But I offered to fix whatever mistakes I make, and I did everything I could right now, so at least I have the feeling that I did what needed doing; and again, I want to be with her, at all cost, and if that’s not her case or if she just can’t consider talking instead of acting in such an immature way of handling a love relationship… well, it’s sad, simply put.

The whole issue I have with that is that she blames me because she lied, as if I was responsible for that. If she talked to me, instead of threatening me, I would’ve done everything that we needed to do, in twenty four hours it was solved, calmly and without a problem. I never ever did the same, and she had a whole year to talk about how she felt, whereas I had… well I don’t know, not even a day to react to her threats since she just threw everything at me. I don’t even trust her when she tells me she’s been straight unhappy for a whole year, because we kept talking, laughing together, whatever, but if that was aimed to hurt, it did hurt, a lot.
That got me really wondering if it was worth it to throw away everything we could have, all the common points we had, all the love we had, everything… just to spit at my face instead of explaining the situation. What really hurts is all of the promises I ended up trusting, which I usually don’t do, but, you know… she became one of the very few things that I ended up considering… constant, in my world, because of that. Which is kinda as high as you can get, really, there’s nothing I can hold to more dear that the things that I trust enough for that. There’s nothing that tell someone how much I cherish him/her more than that. And, now… she decided to… ruin it, instead of saving it together, as it should have been…

To be fair I’m not looking for anything related to something like long distance relationships suck or whatever, I’m already hurt enough, all I want to know is… did I really do something wrong? I mean, I explained the situation in a pretty neutral point of view; I admit making mistakes sometimes, although I don’t take the blames for those I made while she encouraged me to do it because she said she liked the situation, I spoke true of my feelings for her, which are very strong, I explained how and why she reacted like she did... Was it wrong of me to seek my 600km away girlfriend’s presence through anything that could possibly make me feel a bit closer? Because I know that in this relationship, I indeed need to feel really close to her; it might be different in real life if I can see her every day, I might need a lot less, but right now I just wanted to do something with her. I would’ve taken anything, just roleplaying together was good; or seeing her face, no matter if she just woke up and is unprepared as hell, she’d still be the most beautiful human being there is to me; or hearing her voice, I called up yesterday before sending the Christmas present package, she said a few words, I barely caught what she said because of the noise, but it rejoiced me as much as I can be rejoiced right now; or whatever she’d have proposed to me that would fulfil that wish. So, yea. I probably was harsh sometimes, or more specifically, I had more bad reactions near the "end" because I felt like we should do a bit more together, so I was feeling pretty sad, but the thought of finally doing something with her, just roleplaying a bit on a forum, I kind of enjoyed it… and, well, yeah, I made mistakes, just like everyone does, but I always paid a lot of attention to never hurt her on my will and I’d never betray her, I don’t feel like I did anything that would justify straight up breaking up in the way that could hurt me the most without talking to me, or barely.
If I kept the attitude that apparently did hurt her once she told me, alright, I would a complete ass for doing so, but I never heard of anything like that until Tuesday, and as I said here and as I said to her, we can change that, there’s no issues with it. The only issue being that she doesn’t trust me anymore… because I acted as she told me to act until now, because she said she liked when we were affective to each other… yeah, right…

So, yeah, to be honest I write that mostly to empty up my feelings a bit. I don’t wish to hear bad things about her, or long distance relationships, or whatever, I’m hurt enough already, so let’s keep it civil, I just want to know… taking into account all of the facts, that she had troubles showing love but that I always tried to make sure she wanted to do something before doing it, etc. was it wrong of me to try to be closer? I mean, does it look wrong to a neutral party? Did I do anything that would justify all of that, given I was ready to adapt as much as I needed to to her wishes? I probably made my last move already and am basically waiting for her final answer anyways, I can’t offer her to save the relationship more than I already did, so that’s as far as I can go, but… I don’t understand of worth it seemed to her to do that, to act as if we didn’t live anything happy together when there are so many happy memories, and it just breaks my heart. She’s the only one I ever wanted. It just kills me.

I have been in similar situations but with girls IRL
since then I have done a lot of reading n stuff.

It might be that you are too clingy,
The old thing of 'dont call her for a few days' seems corny but it's true.
You have to let her know that you are worth as much as her or more.

By asking things from her, you are showing her that she is worth more than you, and that is a big turn-off.

It's a very childish thing to have to deal with but it's true. I dont like playing games in relationships either.

They dont care too much about common interests, it's all about how much someone is worth (in their eyes)
They see 'worth' as relative, whereas we see worth in women in absolute terms.

So when she sees you being clingy she get's the feeling that she is worth more than you.

I really want a relationship too. Years ago, I had the confidence but no outlet. Now with Number 6, Meetup, Gumtree, and the Internet itself, it should be easy to find people like myself in such an outlet and engage with them. Unfortunately, I keep having issues with my fight-or-flight response, so adrenaline rushes cause me to want to quickly escape. I cannot breathe. The air feels heavy. All I know is, I "must" get away, to safety. It is odd. I recognize it is just my anxiety, but I cannot sit still. I cannot be in groups any more, with strangers especially. I just feel I do not belong, or something. Even online, on sites like Tagged, I compliment people, say hi, talk about whatever, take it easy with them, but still, nobody responds.

Tagged and other sites make you pay to see when your messages are read, but I usually just stick to the basics, not wanting to shell out on these ridiculous, pointless extras like sending folk a daft virtual bunch of flowers or a toy animal. It is crap.

@Slenkar : Just before she half broke-up she went on and disconnected without telling me a thing during a whole week. I tried to talk a few times, she disconnected. So I backed off to give her some room to breathe, you know? Well apparently that's not what I'm supposed to do when she disconnects just when I PM her. Girl's thinking I'm a fkin mindreader apparently.

I'm really, really brokenhearted and disappointed. But I should've seen that coming ever since she doubted when I told her I loved her.

Whatever, she broke up by text messages, deleted me without even talking to me. I was always there for her, I always tried to help things get better so our relationship would be perfect one day, she was the first when it came to tell me how she'd always be there and wanted to fight... turns out she's just a child that did as much good to me as a brain tumor, in the end.

Well, maybe one day, if she gets mature and eventually starts understanding how it's supposed to work, she'll get what it was worth to have someone loving her as much as I do, loving her despite her acting like a complete ass. Maybe she'll understand than in this relationship just like in any else, talking to the other is needed, but that I was ready to adapt however she wanted for her. Maybe she'll get that lying to the others isn't smart, and lying to your boyfriend is even worse. I don't know, and I don't really care anymore. She never acted like a proper girlfriend but a few times, and I accepted it like noone else would've. I offered to adapt things around her a hundred times just to not hurt her. Yet she decided to destroy me as much as she could without leaving me a chance... well, alright, no matter. She chose to put things that way instead of helping me getting them better and I guess that's sad, but I can't really do much about it. I loved her, I love her and I always will. But I didn't love the brat she chose to be. The one I loved will always be the one I supported through everything, that I still loved despite her acting like the coldest "loving" girlfriend possible and having a hundred of issues, the one with whom I shared so much. That's the one I'll keep in my memories; the other is nothing but what the lies she chose to believe, her own lies, and she's of no interest to me. From the very start, I told her I loved her and she told me she did too, yet she never knew; until the very end, I tried to talk to her so she could design what kind of relationship she wanted, yet she never could tell me. I did everything I could, but in the end, she never knew anything, and that killed me.

And, ya, too, I was pretty sure she did it at a time around her bad week of the month, so she'd get angry more easily especially since she had her mother "supporting" her, I wanted to let her calm down or something. She didn't even wait. She didn't even try anything. She literally chose to straight up destroy everything out of spite.

Oh, well. If she ever grows up she'll know what to do, but I've been dealing with a child way for too long, time to move on I guess. It's just sad. How she's saying so many bad things that are tearing me apart, how I say so many bad things in return that I'll soon regret saying because I never wanted anything but her happiness, but I need to get them off my chest since she couldn't even handle talking to me for two minutes. Yeah, whatever, guess I can move on from someone that has never shown any need to be close to me more than that and that betrayed me that hard.

It's not wrong of you, I've had a similar experience. I only drew the conclusion that consciously, she wanted those things too, but knew they made her uncomfortable. But she didn't want those things to make her uncomfortable, she felt all those things were normal and she should be okay with them, but she wasn't. I don't think she was aware she was stringing me along with her uncertainty. Being led on is the worst, even if they both don't mean to do it and don't realize they're doing it. If someone doesn't love you, you should be entitled to the truth, but it's amazing how some people think it's okay to deny it for any reason..

In the real world, I guess you're supposed to just know when someone isn't fully comfortable and you're supposed to accommodate them, in the aspie world, anything short of "NO" is either yes or maybe, and we're going to act on that yes. Two people with communication issues trying a serious relationship is an absolute nightmare, you have to take it slow and be careful not to act on a desire to fall in love, it always tanks.

Well, yeah, she had that issue about not being comfortable... about the fact she wasn't comfortable, and I tried to let her do however she wanted so she wouldn't feel forced... I always told her what I wanted, I had no troubles communicating with her; thing is that I could only do what she'd tell me to do, and if she tells me lies, then... what can I do, really? I asked her, she always said yes, literally ever.

I feel so betrayed. We could've done everything together, yet she blames me because of her own issues. I'm also pretty sure she was influenced by third parties, to be honest. That, or she became a complete... whatever you want in one week. Idk. She can't think by herself, I guess. In any event, her maturity is like multiple years below her real age, and that should've been enough to convince me never to take seriously whatever she told me.

Well, I really couldn't know how it'd be before asking her is she loved me. If I knew, yeah, surely I'd have stayed friend with her, although I'd still have feelings. Now, I did ask her if she wanted to let things go a bit, I was okay with being way less affective if that mean she'd be happy, but she didn't even care... she just broke everything. I could wait, if she just explained what she wanted to me. But, yeah, I guess it was too hard for her to communicate...

Edit : and yeah, I'm not pointing fingers, merely defending myself from what I was accused of; but I'm so sad about losing her, about losing that... idk...

If I tried to ask anything she'd get scared or some s**t. So, yeah, whatever... guess there was no helping it. No matter. She's deleted from my life completely, and that's probably for the best.

It's probably for the best, as she's not a good fit for you if you're trying to mold yourself into what she really needs. I will point out that she does seem to be represented in a negative light (immature, brat, can't think on her own, on her period, etc) There is no one way it's supposed to work.

Sounds like you're moving in a better direction for the both of you.

I know her qualities, and I know where they stop; I said most of this stuff out of anger, but it's kind of true that she wasn't mature enough and I know it from a very long time, I'm just angry this was enough to lead to that (and she has real bad periods, which is why I'd be forgiving her attitude more easily if she was on it there). Also, as I said, I didn't want to hear bad stuff about her or anything, as I said in the O.P.... but I guess at some point it's just too much, when someone's able to delete another one from their life in three lines of text without even having the guts to talk to me while doing so... c'mon, she broke-up by text messages, really. Couldn't even pick up her phone for something like this?

We were matching well, but, yeah, we still needed adapting, which I don't believe is strange. Odds are I'll never find someone that was so close to me on so many things; and the only thing that made kinda sad was not... feeling her a bit more. I accepted her as she was, and that means a lot because she's very far from being easy to live with. As I said, I'm aware of how she was, I chose her knowing this, I just didn't think thing would go that way.

Now I did all I could, but she'll always remember the bad sides of the relationship, which is kind of sad; because we were happy most of the time, yet she chose to forget that and act as I was was to be held responsible for all of her numerous issues. I'm sad about leaving this kind of image to her. Better now than in a few years, at least, I guess?