New Here: Mum of 6 year old girl

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javajunkie80
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11 Mar 2007, 8:45 pm

Hazelwudi,
I agree with you, seriously.

I'm pretty old-fashioned in my parenting style. I do smack even though my kids pain threshhold is too high for it to register (and even though it may be illegal here soon - even in the home!), I remove privileges, I set strict boundaries and guidelines. I praise when needed and punish when needed.

I have no intention of telling Hannah about her diagnosis, because she is manipulative and will use it to her advantage. She will get the help she needs, but she will still be expected to adhere to a certain code of conduct.

I don't think anyone in this thread has mentioned anyone being 'sick in the head'...I don't think that term is correct at all in terms of Autism on any level.
I have solid expectations for my kid (happy, healthy, independent, loyal etc) and as long as she achieves those things, then I'll be ecstatic. Right now though, she is none of t hose things, and not because she's only a 6 year old.

I think parenting has a lot to do with outcomes for all kids, but especially these kids.
I don't intend to blame everything on my kid's AS either. Sometimes she's just naughty because she can be. And is punished accordingly. My parenting will change accordingly though, and newer techniques will be adopted only IF they work to get her closer to those precious expectations I have for her.

I'll be damned if she comes to me in 20 years and says 'why didn't you help me when you knew about it' because I refused to acknowledge her problems and areas of interest etc.

Please please don't assume that there is no parenting being done just because we are here to discuss our child's diagnosis. It's a hard thing to cope with. I am a young Mum, a teen Mum...I'm also one of the strictest Mum's around (ask the parenting counsellors and Drs who actually recommended that I let Hannah watch TV outside of the Saturday morning time-slot I'd provided each week). My kid is made to play outside at least 2 hours per day, I make her do her homework and that's a battle I won't give up on because I feel it's important (not that I disagree with those who choose to do otherwise)

And thankyou, Hazelwudi, for stating your opinion is a less offensive manner.



Pippen
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11 Mar 2007, 10:18 pm

This site has a wider range of opinions on matters pertaining to the care of young children with Asperger's than any site I visit because it draws a much wider membership than just parents. Getting disagreed with more frequently is the price we pay for benefitting from the input of many. As with any site, take what feels right for your child and your situation and leave the rest behind.

I am an older mother ;) and if I could encourage you in one area especially, it would be to be open to the very real possibility that you will need to change in order for your daughter to be her best. I started out with a very traditional, authoritarian parenting style which worked great for my older child. Then my child with AS traits came along and not only did I find it didn't work, eventually I came to the realization that my parenting style was very much a contributing factor to making a number of my son's issues worse or at least contributing to his not being able to make progress. Only when I was willing to change my methods and see how much better he responded did I start to gain an understanding of the unique person he is and how different he processes actions and words that I had meant for his benefit. Only when I was willing to meet him where he was and come alongside him with understanding instead of demands and expectations I expected him to meet did I start seeing the kind of progress I was aiming for.

If it wasn't for this book, we'd still be stuck on unhappy constantly explosive kid mode, but I'm happy to say those days are long gone:
http://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-U ... 447&sr=8-1



javajunkie80
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11 Mar 2007, 10:37 pm

Thanks Pippen,
I'll definitely take that on-board.
I'm open to changing my parenting style, but as you know, it's mighty hard to change a habit. Still, whatever works for Hannah is what we'll do.
Even in the last few days I've noticed that I am less quick to get angry at her for the things that I know she can't control (leg swinging, making small noises, talking to herself etc). I'm also more careful in explaining things to her.
I've spent 6.5 yrs thinking she's just naughty, but now I have to learn to recognise the difference between 'naughty' and 'AS'.
There needs to be two different ways of dealing with it really. Naughty needs to be punished, and AS needs to be turned into a way of teaching her other methods of coping/learning/dealing/understanding etc. Or, in terms of smaller things, the AS stuff needs to be left alone. Leg-swinging or swaying won't harm her...it's annoying for me, but it's not a bad thing.

I have a meeting with the school on Friday; their integration teacher has an AS son and is brilliant. I am hoping to learn as much as I can so that I can make Hannah's life easier and allow her to make and keep and interact with the friends that she so desperately wants.

I'll take a look at that book. I'm getting up a nice list of books that I need to read, so if anyone else has any good suggestions, I'd be very interested.



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11 Mar 2007, 10:43 pm

javajunkie80 wrote:
Hazelwudi,
I agree with you, seriously.

I'm pretty old-fashioned in my parenting style. I do smack even though my kids pain threshhold is too high for it to register (and even though it may be illegal here soon - even in the home!), I remove privileges, I set strict boundaries and guidelines. I praise when needed and punish when needed.


Be careful with this. If you make yourself used to smacking your autistic kids at some point you may suddenly explode on them one day when you are at your wits end and cross over that point from discipline to abuse. I'm not saying spanking is abuse. But spanking does not work on autistic kids. Many of us autistic adults will tell you we were abused physically, emotionally, sexually and/or verbally. Because we are "different" and people hate us for not acting like everyone else we often end up being abused from childhood through adulthood. So just be careful that the smacking doesn't get out of hand. And be careful what you are teaching you autistic child that it is normal and ok for autistics to get slapped around because this creates victims in adulthood.

javajunkie80 wrote:
I have no intention of telling Hannah about her diagnosis, because she is manipulative and will use it to her advantage. She will get the help she needs, but she will still be expected to adhere to a certain code of conduct.


I agree with you wholeheartedly on this one. I will probably get booed by the other Aspies on here though. I think the only reason I am self supporting, that is living alone and working, is because I just thought I was a weirdo. I didn't know I was disabled or whatever. I wasn't diagnosed till I was 35. But I read all the time how the younger ones that were diagnosed early in life and knew about it refuse to work or attend college and EXPECT SSI checks all their lives. I also know a 13 yr old Aspie in town whose mother is about crazy from his behaviors. I think though she helped create the monster and if she hadn't repeatedly told him he was autistic and now tells him he is hopeless then he wouldn't be a hopeless pain in the butt.



Erlyrisa
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11 Mar 2007, 11:33 pm

A subnote about LOSING THE PLOT and hitting your child.

...It is OK to los the plot and hit your child.... when they go away and think about it (if they have been taught to be introspective) , then they will learn that the Adults can lose it too, and to be a better person, I have to control my ability to keep it under control,, By not showing your child, at a nice early stage, what it is to LOSE IT - then they will be the type to ALWAYS , LOSE IT.

...Allright, over doing it, and Drinking a Slab of beer before hand and Abusing your child is a different Kettle of fish - (but will still teach a damn lot - and you will find that people that have been abused by close ones , are the ones that have learnt the most,, so even the abusive parent is doing what is right for thier particular child - this is why the BLEEDING heart generation have to get some perspective about what it is to be ALIVE -being the drone and all of us using the exact same techniques to parent is not what it's all about --even the abusive parent has the right to be abusive and to teach THIER offspring with THIER techniques. -so the next time you see the slghtly tipsy parent give one on the back of a kids arse, don't gossip about it and give grinching smirks to the 'abusive' parent --just think to yourself that - it's not my kid, so I wouldn't know what is really going on.)



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12 Mar 2007, 12:58 am

No one has the right to abuse their child. You are sick.



javajunkie80
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12 Mar 2007, 1:03 am

Ticker wrote:

Be careful with this. If you make yourself used to smacking your autistic kids at some point you may suddenly explode on them one day when you are at your wits end and cross over that point from discipline to abuse.


Agreed. I am very lucky in that my daughter actually doesn't display too badly. I had a parent-teacher meeting with her teacher this afternoon and she said that Hannah doesn't display anything in class, and I told her that Hannah's excessive talking is really the only thing that would come through. This teacher has SO much information for me, with how to make Hannah feel safe and comfortable and start to interact appropriately. She told me that instead of putting her hand in Hannah's face to make her be quiet now, she will listen more and try to figure out what Hannah is trying to tell her. This makes me so much more comfortable because we tried the 'talk to the hand' method a while back to stop her interuptions, and Hannah flew into a violent meltdown and attacked.

I am actually not a big smacker. I have used it less and less as she's gotten older because older children can be reasoned with a lot better. Still, if it's warranted, I am not above smacking. A smack on the butt never did anyone much harm if it was quick, appropriate and not out of control.

You raise a very valid point though. Difficult kids can often push their parents to their limits and then way beyond. Even the most placid parent is capable of giving a good flogging if pushed too far. We need other coping mechanisms and different disciplinary techniques with smacking (not belting) being our very last option for discipline, rather than coping.



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12 Mar 2007, 1:10 am

Erlyrisa I find it very amusing you claim such expertise on Aspergers and Autism, but if one looks at your profile it says you aren't even sure if you have AS or not. What's that saying about something fishy in Denmark? Oh and you're also male. What do men know about raising children? Most know nothing. Troll!



Erlyrisa
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12 Mar 2007, 1:27 am

There are two sides to propoganda....

Those who see it
And
Those Who see it.