Hard-wired to fail? Taking this rejection way too hard...

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AspBite
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28 Dec 2014, 8:37 pm

I am a male Aspie with severe anxiety...and at times, severe depressive episodes. Alone, I am able to escape anxiety and survive, but around others, I feel...well..."alone". I have accepted this inability to thrive in the presence of others and had even been given LTD in the past based on my track record of blowing up and breaking down in social situations. I was on the road to recovery on the back of my inflated self-esteem, taking stock in my own positive qualities and accepting, above all else, that it is OK to be alone but not "lonely", right down to not feeling down for never pursuing an actual relationship with a female. I knew that forcing "love" would lead to unmitigated disaster for someone of my makeup and knew that very few people, whether they wish to admit it or not, fail to find "love" and end up "settling" at least once in their lives.

And somehow, during my road to recovery, I unintentionally believe to have found "love". And it threatens to undo all of the progress I have made...I have regressed into a world of depression and anger. I do not ask a lot out of this life, especially from other, but this one thing I should be able to obtain eludes me...whereas a lot of NTs ask for everything and receive it. Here is my story.

At work, there is a woman who I would help every so often, but never really took notice of her...after all, I made no effort to form a bond with pretty much anyone. She is studious, but I did notice that she never really talked to much of anyone. Thus, when she began waving to me and saying "hello!" to me randomly, I naturally took notice. I began to reciprocate just to be friendly, but discovered that they two of us have a lot in common. She spends most of her time alone and has little social life outside of work and family (as a daughter, she is not married). So I began to ask probing questions...and found out what I considered to be the "deal breaker" at the time. I am 29. She is 45. And thus, the subject was dropped in my mind and tabled for about a year.

And over the course of this year, I realized more and more that I never felt like I was talking to a "45 year old". Or even a female. I loved talking to this "person" for who she is, and found that I would think about her far too much for this simply to pass. Whenever I am absent for a week or so, she shows equal concern. We could talk for hours and have time just fly by...so I finally did it about 2 months ago. I asked her on a date, and she accepted...and even cancelled plans to accommodate it.

The date went so well, even if I did not kiss her at the end. She did not seem like the type of woman to take things fast, and she seemed to appreciated the heartfelt hug at the end. She dressed all cute, acted all cute, and we talked into the evening after we enjoyed a nice meal. However, the second date brought the reveal that shattered my reality...

"I am too old...I cannot give you a family. But we can be good friends."

And how can I argue? This is the same thought that caused me to delay asking her on a date for a year...I understand where she is coming from. But I also think she is wrong...why would I even WANT a family, given the type of person I am?

So we have been friends since...and she is treating me like she did before the dates...special attention, almost like I am a boyfriend without the title...or future...and I cannot do it anymore. I know breaking off the friendship would be a foolish move on my part, not everyone has a friend who cares this much. I know she likes me, yet she is "OK" with having this be a friendship...but all I can think about now is how I cannot act on what I believe to be "love" because of this stupid age technicality!

And how does this undo all of the progress I have made to this point? I never ask for much out of life, and I cannot seem to get this one thing that just seems so "right"...and I constantly see people act all entitled and selfish and have no problems obtaining everything they can. Happy couples sicken me.

And it makes me wonder why I should have to scratch and claw my way through life when I cannot even get the only thing I could ever ask for.

The current state of affairs? I am on STD and not been at work for about a month. I am in contact with my friend, and I am trying to avoid the mistake of cutting off contact and telling her that I am too emotionally-weak to continue to be friends at this level. I cannot stand being outside and every single day I just feel like screaming at some NTs for not realizing how easy they have it while living in ignorance.

Help? :oops:



BTDT
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28 Dec 2014, 9:17 pm

You should talk about not wanting a family.

I married my wife despite her not being able to have kids.



AspBite
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28 Dec 2014, 9:33 pm

BTDT wrote:
You should talk about not wanting a family.

I married my wife despite her not being able to have kids.


I always say that, but she just attributes it to just "being a guy" and that my attitude will change. She knows about my anxiety, but I believe she underestimates the severity...she believes I am "shy".

Whenever I talk to people about why I am not shy, per se, I use this example: shy people desire to become more social and are simply apprehensive about doing so, but I lack this desire and am comfortable with who I am.

I am indeed afraid to force this issue...when she said that she was too old, I just accepted it (unwillingly). I was always under the impression that you cannot "convince" a woman to start a relationship and that it is best to move on.



Vomelche
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29 Dec 2014, 6:31 pm

AspBite wrote:
"I am too old...I cannot give you a family. But we can be good friends."


I think this means that she would be ok with a short term relationship. Its up to you if you want the same.



Toy_Soldier
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29 Dec 2014, 6:52 pm

Does she know you are on the spectrum? (assuming you are). And yeah what was said above. Is just dating/short term ok? Don't give up quite yet, but also don't jump too far ahead and be thinking permanent.