People treating you badly then accusing you of overreacting

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Amity
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13 Jan 2015, 9:12 am

Based on the limited information, I am inclined to agree with leaving that situation, maintaining his friendships shouldn't take precedence over tolerating threatening behavior towards you. What will be tolerated next? Why do you have to do the accommodating?



little_blue_jay
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13 Jan 2015, 11:01 pm

B19 wrote:
Google "Invalidation" "Being invalidated" "How to deal with people who invalidate you" - there are some useful websites which deal with what you are experiencing.


I just did, and was overwhelmed with how many came up. Are there 1 or 2 good ones you could recommend, B19?

I have had assorted people invalidate me my whole life. Starting with my own mother..... I'd get anxious about something or other & she'd say 'stop worrying, you have nothing to worry about, you're going to give yourself an ulcer, etc'...

Currently it's my roommate, he keeps moving my stuff around and when I get upset he'll go 'gosh you're such a drama queen, waa waa waa, always complaining' then when I say 'I doubt you'd appreciate it if I moved your things around so you had to hunt all over the house for them' he acts like I've threatened to do it and says 'would you like me to pack up your stuff and move you out of here tonight?' (I know he wouldn't, but just having to hear him say it - albeit once - is stressful) ~ (I'm only on welfare and can't afford a place on my own, my ODSP application is taking forever, and I don't know anyone else I could live with.. )

I could go on......

Short story short, yeah I know a bit how invalidation feels. :cry:

I hope your situation improves somehow, OP. I agree with the others who've said they're saddened by your husband's not supporting you.


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Marduk1965
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07 Jun 2015, 3:07 pm

mrspotatohead wrote:
A double standard has developed in my house, and it reached an extreme today. The double standard -- any time my housemates express anger or are disrespectful toward me and I bring it up to my husband, he always tells me that I must have misworded or wrongly intoned something I said to them... but then when they intentionally try to push my buttons, he excuses them by saying they have a lot going on, so it's okay for them to take it out on me, and I'm just overreacting. Today, a housemate interrupted a conversation I was having to tell me, "No offense, but..." followed by something very offensive. When I tried to turn the discussion elsewhere, he wouldn't let me -- like I had to agree with his bigotry before we could drop it. Then, when I finally showed just a little annoyance, he just blew up all of a sudden and yelled at me that I wasn't "agreeing to disagree" in the right way (he wanted me to tell him that his "opinion" had merit when I didn't believe it did), and proceeded to threaten physical violence. What did my husband say to me when I told him about it, crying and scared? He told me that I must have provoked him and that I was overreacting.
How is it fair for me to have to be so careful about everything I say because I might unintentionally offend someone, but others can knowingly say offensive things to me? Even my own husband doesn't really seem to have my back... I don't think we're going to make it...


I hope things are working out for you. If you don't mind me askin, have things improved since this has been discussed?



dianthus
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07 Jun 2015, 6:35 pm

Marduk1965 wrote:
I hope things are working out for you. If you don't mind me askin, have things improved since this has been discussed?


There was a follow up here, in case you didn't see it.
viewtopic.php?t=277985&p=6510780

I was thinking about the OP too recently, would like to know if she's okay.



Marduk1965
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07 Jun 2015, 8:01 pm

I hope she's doing better too. Thanks very much for the link.



xenocity
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07 Jun 2015, 8:02 pm

I hate to say this, but as long as you're the "outsider" you must conform to their culture (including language).
When you use big words and stuff of that nature, it comes a crossed to others as talking down to them and/or imposing on them.
Same goes with acting different.

I get it from my own family, including my grandmothers about refusing to conform...!

If their relationship with your husband is older than yours, then you will to a degree come second.
There is always pecking order based on age of relationships.

You could drag your husband to therapy.
If not you could put him on warning, that you won't tolerate this much longer and will leave if nothing changes.

You may need to consider finding someone who is willing to put you FIRST!

With that said, you are supposed to put everyone first, if you want to keep them in your life.
Though this regularly causes conflict of interests.


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CockneyRebel
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07 Jun 2015, 9:31 pm

I also agree that you have to leave the relationship. Leave your husband behind with his buddies.


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Marduk1965
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08 Jun 2015, 5:27 am

She contiues on this page, viewtopic.php?t=277985&p=6510780.



spiritnja
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08 Jun 2015, 7:44 am

This is a well known tactic of sociopaths, attack you first then say that you're overreacting, don't fall for it. Keep calling them out on their BS hard, and they'll leave you alone..



Aristophanes
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08 Jun 2015, 9:43 am

If there are multiple other "friends" in the same space as you and your husband then the rules of hierarchy will apply. They have numbers and thus power and you do not. Your opinion doesn't matter unless it furthers the opinion of the group or those with power inside the group, if it contradicts those opinions it's a threat to the hierarchy itself and must be punished-- in this case threat of violence is the punishment. Your husband won't back you up because he doesn't want to be punished by the hierarchy for non-compliance. His role in said hierarchy is to keep you in line since you're a disruption to the entire organization of the hierarchy.

I know a lot of people think hierarchy talk is BS, but most complex interactions that leave autistics confused can easily be explained by talking about power structure and where they fit into said power structure. It's not a pleasant thing to think about, but for all our "advancement" we're still just animals using animal techniques (pack mentality) to keep society afloat.



Aristophanes
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08 Jun 2015, 10:13 am

Lol, just realized this was a necrobump.



Marduk1965
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08 Jun 2015, 2:22 pm

Sorry I did that.