Doesn't want to be in a relationship because of my career.

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There's this girl who checks off every box for me. Thin, beautiful, calm demeanor, smart, eats healthy, exercises often. My dream girl. Someone i would be in a long term relationship without a second thought. Our time together has been wonderful. We stare at eachother for hours, we talk for hours, we cuddle for hours, we've already had sex. I'm 27 she is 26 years old.

Here's the issue though. I make just above mimimum wage, dropped out of upgrading for university a total of 4 times, rent out a single room, no car. Guess what? Thats the deal breaker. She says she dosent want to be in a relationship with me because of my situation. I called her out on it and that's how i know. I understand that she wants a guy at the same stage in life, someone with their s**t togeather...so im trying my best not to shame her over this.

She knows I was born with autism and have obsessive compulsive disorder. She also knows I'm medicated. She says that this is all "intriguing". Before she knew any of this she mentioned I'm unlike any guy shes ever met.

What can i do to solidify a relationship with this girl? We are in limbo, texting a few times a day, calling every second day, meeting up sporadically. She obviously likes me alot. She said it herself and shes always complementing me. "smart" "hot" "insightful" "knowledgeable" "spontaneous" "calculated" "kissable" are typical of the things she keeps saying.

I am so confused.

I know if this fails i will have to start lying to my next dates about my career and possibly mental health.

I do not want this to fail. I'm trying hard but at the same time trying to keep my self respect. What are some things i could do in the short term? I already told her im going back to school to upgrade chemistry courses and that my current job is just temporary and my next job i will make $20+ an hour. But this hasn't seemed to help much...she still said she dosent want to be in a relationship.

She says she will continue to be straight up and honest with me. We are both talking to eachother like adults. I've told her exactly how i feel about her "standards" and tried to explain that my professional situation has nothing to do with who i acctually am. But there is no explaining this to prehistoric evolutionary hardwiring...hardwiring that says a man has to be a provider and must have status in the world.

It's a difficult and frustrating situation for me.

What to do next?

She likes you but you are not yet her dream guy, you are only partly her dream guy.

She wants a "smart" "hot" "insightful" "knowledgeable" "spontaneous" "calculated" "kissable" ...... AND "with a college degree", "with a real job", "has a car" and "has a house" (here the things you don't have)

Now Echolia and pj will come and call my post is sexist for stating the obvious for this case.

This situation actually is very typical for many males.

Yes, and that's why barely 1% of dads are stay-at-home dad even in the most advanced and liberal countries like Australia.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 13 Jan 2015, 1:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

^^^Then she should start dating older guys, with this economy crap it might be hard to find 27 year olds who have their s**t together already.
I don't really see how a relationship would last long term even if you are succesful now: what if you have a good job now but lose it at some point in the future, will she just move on to the next wealthy guy?

You really believe she's not seeking for prospects already?




She will exit then, yes.


Another reason why she's still being "with him" is because he recently declared his autism to her (hence why her '"intriguing" comment) - autism is a lot of mystery and that makes him very mysterious to her - like a new unknown planet to conquer, but such mysteries don't last long.

OP, how long you've been dating her like this?

The best you can do is to improve yourself while staying a FWB with her (because this is really all what she wants from you for now) - but don't expect she'll stay long enough or that she won't date others waiting till you finish your courses and get a your s**t together.


That would be the only reasonable deal for both of you.

Almost a month now. In the beginning she mentioned im not like "other guys". I told her I never get out and she then asked me if i had any friends. I said "No, i dont want any friends" (Shameless) She then said she doesn't want to be my only friend and that I should meet people and get out more. I then panicked and told her over the phone later that night i was autistic...It felt it helped add gravity to the situation and thats when she said she was intrigued.

What is FWB?

Friends with Benefits aka friendship with sex involved - with no mutual intention of taking it further than that.

You could start by realising it's not evolutionary hardwiring at all. It's the product of females having no other career option except to marry for many hundreds of years. It's social engineering. Don't expect that programming to go away in a few decades of women being able to work. It's a well established social custom engineered by requiring women to exclusively work within domestic situations and take care of males. Of course, you are going to find the richest bugger you can when you have no other option for sustaining yourself. The reasoning behind it may be lost, but the social engineering is still handed down from mother to daughter. Oh dear.....

The other completely plausible explanation is that she doesn't want to be your 'everything' and fears this is what will happen because you have no other friends. The idea can be quite stifling and suffocating for NTs who value a large circle of friends. Of course she isn't going to be so tactless as to actually tell you this (most people wont) but it could never the less be on the cards and the career objection is just the white lie she thinks you will swallow more easily.

Kind of fascinating to have a womans perspective on this. Thanks. I think it could be a combination of both evolutionary hardwiring and social/cultural pressures (Her parents are from Hong Kong) and I'm Scottish. I dont give a s**t what she does with her personal or professional life! The girl i see when im with her is the only one that matters to me. Why cant it be the other way around? Why do i have to be judged unfairly.

See my frustration?

And it could very well be that she dosent want to be my only friend. I told her i don't mind being alone and I'm very good at entertaining myself. Still no deal...

Improving my life is my own buissness I always had dreams and ambitions. Mental illness has kicked the s**t out of me and just put me behind is all! I'm only now just finding i can kickstart my life after finding stability on meds. I know thats not her problem though...

Is she Chinese HK or Caucasian HK? If she's Asian, you need to understand that those cultures are even more ingrained in traditional gender roles than the western world. I should know, all of my partners bar 1 have been Asian. Not just Asian descent, but born and raised in Asian cultures. They have by and large very rigid social rules and aside from you being foreign, it is expected that Asian women will marry up. She is possibly anticipating her own family's objections and deciding it's not worth the investment since things will not go anywhere her parents will approve of.

Asian cultures have some strange attitudes towards western people. It's subtle, often not flattering and if they suffer you to enter into their family it's because you will bring significant social and wealth mobility to them. On the whole, the family would prefer they don't have to deal with differences unless there is a lot of advantage to it. And the family have a very large say in what the children do. This is true even for generations raised outside of Asia by migrant parents. They tend to stick to their own communities.

Oh god...that is so backward. Why hasn't their culture progressed away from that primitive and herd like mentality? So much for individuality and unconditional love.

Makes me sick.

I just let her know I want to be friends.

I have learned much of what i'm looking for. And I know it's not here.

From a social standpoint, you have too much working against you. What is working against you that has been said:

-She is Asian and from Hong Kong and therefore social status and wealth will be more valued.
-Her family due to background won't approve.
-Your "mental health" or your apparent fixation on it will not serve you well.
-She is worried that she is your only friend.
-Your job prospects and education hasn't been promising to say the leasst.

And of course, what you likely know but hasn't been acknowledge.
- You live in Vancouver and the circumstances surrounding that (based off my knowledge of Canada) is that Vancouver is the most expensive place to live in Canada, or among the most expensive places. It won't be easy considering the position you are in right now.

I've been asked on first dates how much is my salary (literally I was asked: "how much is your salary"/"how much you earn?").
Middle eastern girls aren't much different than Asians, Turk girls seem to care less about this thing tho, at least in my perspective and little experience them.

Where I am from, it is seen as INCREDIBLY rude to ask for someones salary unless you are very very very close with them.

Funny, it is considered very rude between people here too, except from woman to man in courting, only in this case she's viewed as "she knows what she wants" instead of rude.