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androbot01
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20 Jan 2015, 9:39 pm

I suggest going to an abused women's clinic. From there get advice on contacting a lawyer. Slamming you against a wall is abuse. You're going to need help to get out of this, take it from wherever you can find it. Tell the lawyer about the drug use. S/he will advise you what's best. You are not crazy, you are abused.
Don't worry about how you got where you are, focus on the steps to getting out.



dianthus
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20 Jan 2015, 9:47 pm

Glad to see you too Kraftie.

androbot01 wrote:
Don't worry about how you got where you are, focus on the steps to getting out.


I agree with this. You can figure all that out later. For now just focus on getting out, protecting yourself, and getting custody of your child.



ralphd
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20 Jan 2015, 11:44 pm

Go to your nearest bookstore and get a copy of Splitting.
http://www.amazon.ca/Splitting-Protecti ... 1608820254

I did a lot of research on BPD as my ex has it. What you've described about your husband checks a lot of the boxes. Even if he's not BPD, the book will help prepare you for a high-conflict divorce.
I suspect if he already hasn't accused you of being the abusive one then he will...
Borderlines are *really* good at pushing your buttons. I think Aspies especially need drama-free environments, and you cannot avoid drama living with a borderline.


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slave
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21 Jan 2015, 1:51 am

Formal request to MODERATOR.

Please move this to a less overt section.

This topic is clearly not child friendly.



Booyakasha
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21 Jan 2015, 2:15 am

Moved from General Autism Discussion.



Sequoia
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21 Jan 2015, 2:57 am

I have a similar story to yours, except there were no kids involved thank God, so hopefully something I say will help you. This definitely sounds like abuse of the most dangerous kind because it is subtle. If he had beaten the crap out of you you would have known it was abuse, but emotional manipulation is more dangerous because you don't realize what it is.

This is probably hard for most Aspies to understand, or at least it is for me because I'm the type of person where what you see is what you get, but some people are really good at playing a role, like being an actor. My ex seemed to be a really wonderful man, but I found out that the man i thought I knew didn't exist, and I might as well be in love with a character on TV, because the guy I was with was a very bad man.

You're not crazy or stupid or defective because you didn't realize you were being abused, or if you are then I'm also crazy and defective. We tend to focus on the good parts about our partner and block out the bad because we want to keep our marriages together. It's perfectly normal.

Sorry if I didn't communicate that very well. I have trouble sometimes.



Felinelover
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21 Jan 2015, 4:09 am

Thank you very much for your views.

I am still finding it very hard to believe that this would be the case.

I really appreciate your views.


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traven
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21 Jan 2015, 8:03 am

dianthus wrote:
I agree with the previous comments, that this sounds like psychopathic and/or narcissistic behavior. And yes, it is abuse. Not just the physical things he has done, but the rest of it too...putting all of it in context together. This is a pattern of abusive behavior.

As for why you didn't see it...anyone can fall under the spell of a narcissist. But especially so if you have a tendency to find fault with yourself, because that is the very trait they can exploit the most. They have a way of deflecting things back to you that makes you question yourself and wonder what you did wrong, instead of seeing what they are doing. It's like sleight of hand, or a Jedi mind trick.

A person who operates this way can still have a lot of good qualities. And they can treat you well at times. In fact they can treat you so well that it seems almost unreal. They can be very charming. And they can turn it on and off when it suits them. They can seem like two different people.

Quote:
I hope he's going to stop threatening me and be reasonable from now on.


No. No. NO. Don't hope for this. If it happens, great, but don't expect it and don't hope for it. Cover all your bases, legally and otherwise. I am breaking my posting sabbatical to write this, because it really alarms me that he has threatened you, and has been trying to manipulate other people into thinking whatever crap he says about you. I would take these things VERY seriously. Be prepared to fight back, and get as many people as you can in your corner to fight for you too.

Also be VERY careful about being in any situation where he could harm you physically. Stay safe.


Similair story, if I could be of any support, but I'm still struggling with it myself
oh and keep away men, it's very 'funny', when you 'get rid' of one abuser, the follow-up is stampeding to your doorstep



qtwrain
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21 Jan 2015, 10:14 am

I had a similar experience with a gent I dated. His mother called one day and asked me how we were doing. I explained everything to her. Her response "The first time, it's his fault... the second and beyond times are your own fault". I have never forgot those words so honestly spoken from a man's mother who respected me enough to be genuine and tell me the truth. Those words gave me my life back and so I say them to you, "The first time is not your fault... every time after is on you"! Stop glorifying this azzhat and MOVE ON! AND, while you are at it, make a list of what YOU LOVE ABOUT YOU on an index card, fold it and put it in your pocket. Yes, your POCKET so it's on YOUR BODY! THEN, go buy some new panties. TRUST ME! New panties, new world. Just a lil sumpen we ladies know we have control of and can smile about cause WE ARE WORTH NEW PANTIES~ that will only have one as*hole in them... OUR OWN! Grins :lol:



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21 Jan 2015, 10:57 am

Felinelover, I left a harmful situation similar to yours (no kids). I'm still confused as hell about all the 'whys'. Some part of my self protection/survival streak kicked in and I forced myself to face reality, the observable facts, without understanding 'why' this had happened. Take a step into the unknown, you can not know what will happen if you leave him, but you do know what will happen if you stay together; more of the same for definite, and to speculate... a possible worsening situation for you and your child. Focus on what you can control.



Felinelover
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21 Jan 2015, 11:43 am

Thanks for your views.

Yep I have totally left. Been living away for several weeks now. Getting my own place soon so can stop being homeless :)

It became quite clear to me that there is no hope for us anymore, even though I wanted to try due to conservative family reasons, so going back into the relationship has not been on the cards for a few weeks now, it's been increasingly clear.

But I do still think he's a fabulous person and this must all be a misunderstanding. My parents used to say 'If you two separate, he will find a better spouse, but you won't.' I used to always believe this, and it stopped me from leaving, even when I felt he'd be better off without me cos I just can't give to him what he needs. After realising I'm an aspie and what it means, I gained some crucial self-understanding in that I will actually never change - I will always be dedicated to my work projects and interests, and child and friends, and I just cannot devote the time and energy he requires for the relationship.

I showed my parents this thread and they said 'yes this may be objectively true but you can paint a picture like that of anyone if you just show their worst bits'. My parents are concerned that if things go south more like they did yesterday at the mediator, officials might become interested in our child and end up painting us both as incapable of looking after him

- I mean I was almost committed a month ago, when the psychiatrist in all her great expertise decided I have psychotic mania due to the way I dress, engage in special interests, and 'claim' that I have certain career achievements (which are actually true and provable and I even brought the proof in the session with her (I wrote about this with the title 'my kafkaesque/orwellian diagnosis nightmare' here at WP). This experience with the officials (she basically started a process to get me committed into a psychiatric institution for a month) has undermined all trust I have in officials of any kind of mental/social situation. I do not doubt that if officials found out about these of my ex's traits I've described here, and my 'psychotic mania' diagnosis (even tho I have been 'discharged' now from being the crisis team's 'patient' thank you very much), that if there was someone sufficiently evil like the psychiatrist woman who decided to try and ruin my life, all hell could break loose with regards to our child's wellbeing. You hear about kids being taken away for essentially no reason -- and after I was almost committed due to wearing vintage clothing, I can no longer live in denial about such things actually happening, and being able to happen to ANYONE.

Does my AS diagnosis incriminate me as an incapable parent? Or if someone suggested that, would they be discriminating against a neurological difference?


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AshleyT
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21 Jan 2015, 11:48 am

Honestly, you do not have to worry about whether it IS or ISN'T domestic violence.

Why?

Because people who are good at it, do well to hide it and convince you it is not domestic violence, that everything is normal and OK. They are very good at appearing supportive and mask "support" with actually controlling behaviours.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable. Move away!! !. You do not deserve to live a life of worry, fear, anxiety or feeling uncomfortable.

If you cannot move away from a situation your body/mind feels is dangerous, that's something for you to look into :).

If you feel breaking up is too big of a step and could have dangerous consequences. Have you tried smaller little steps? For example if it's possible to save and be a bit more financial secure so you do not need a guarantor(or wait for your lease to end and move elsewhere). Or moving to live with family members for a week or two? Or just going on a holiday or weekend away to get a clearer head! These are just suggestions of course =).


I would highly recommend this book: The Aspie's girl guide to being safe with men. It will help you in future relationships/friendships.



AshleyT
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21 Jan 2015, 11:50 am

Felinelover wrote:
Thanks for your views.

Yep I have totally left. Been living away for several weeks now. Getting my own place soon so can stop being homeless :)

It became quite clear to me that there is no hope for us anymore, even though I wanted to try due to conservative family reasons, so going back into the relationship has not been on the cards for a few weeks now, it's been increasingly clear.

But I do still think he's a fabulous person and this must all be a misunderstanding. My parents used to say 'If you two separate, he will find a better spouse, but you won't.' I used to always believe this, and it stopped me from leaving, even when I felt he'd be better off without me cos I just can't give to him what he needs. After realising I'm an aspie and what it means, I gained some crucial self-understanding in that I will actually never change - I will always be dedicated to my work projects and interests, and child and friends, and I just cannot devote the time and energy he requires for the relationship.

I showed my parents this thread and they said 'yes this may be objectively true but you can paint a picture like that of anyone if you just show their worst bits'. My parents are concerned that if things go south more like they did yesterday at the mediator, officials might become interested in our child and end up painting us both as incapable of looking after him

- I mean I was almost committed a month ago, when the psychiatrist in all her great expertise decided I have psychotic mania due to the way I dress, engage in special interests, and 'claim' that I have certain career achievements (which are actually true and provable and I even brought the proof in the session with her (I wrote about this with the title 'my kafkaesque/orwellian diagnosis nightmare' here at WP). This experience with the officials (she basically started a process to get me committed into a psychiatric institution for a month) has undermined all trust I have in officials of any kind of mental/social situation. I do not doubt that if officials found out about these of my ex's traits I've described here, and my 'psychotic mania' diagnosis (even tho I have been 'discharged' now from being the crisis team's 'patient' thank you very much), that if there was someone sufficiently evil like the psychiatrist woman who decided to try and ruin my life, all hell could break loose with regards to our child's wellbeing. You hear about kids being taken away for essentially no reason -- and after I was almost committed due to wearing vintage clothing, I can no longer live in denial about such things actually happening, and being able to happen to ANYONE.

Does my AS diagnosis incriminate me as an incapable parent? Or if someone suggested that, would they be discriminating against a neurological difference?


Amazing well done for those steps!! !

Few points:
1. Regardless of what anyone thinks if you felt uncomfortable in the relationship move away. Yes in his core he may be a good person but he's doing bad things. Parents of him will be quick to dismiss his behaviour; they dont want to believe their son is doing bad things.

2. My mum has aspergers and adhd. And seriously, best mum in the world!! ! I'm 23 and the best of friends with her. All my friends call her "Mum" too and go to speak to her if they have problems =). Being AS does NOT make you a bad parent, from my experiences anyway :).



androbot01
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21 Jan 2015, 11:51 am

I remember that thread. I don't think you've done anything that could be used to take your kid away. You never put the child in danger. Your husband's shoving him into wall will probably be of more interest to the authorities.
Your parents sound unsupportive! How the Hell do they know your future. You may want to keep a bit more distance from people who would say such a hurtful thing st least emotionally.



AshleyT
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21 Jan 2015, 11:53 am

Btw, feel important to add. My Mum also got commited to hospital because of an abusive/domestic violence relationship.

He convinced them she was crazy.

If they looked at his criminal record they would have seen she wasn't mad! That her fears were not just based upon paranoia!

Not only did they not believe her and try to check out the information. They released her from hospital into his care!! !! By this point she could barely function and communicate to the world, going through a full AS meltdown.

We have very little trust in the mental health system too unfortunately. This happens more often than many think =(.



elkclan
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21 Jan 2015, 2:14 pm

1. Yes, it is domestic abuse.

2. Do you have your own lawyer? If not, get one. Yesterday. The financial settlement may not be 80-90% to him or 50-50. If he amassed wealth before marriage, that's probably not marital property. But this does depend on the law where you are, which is why you need to see your own lawyer. By all means, use a mediator if you can afterwards to save money and aggro, but that process does not prevent you from getting your own legal advice.

3a. I know this will not be a well received message, but I do think that ASD does give particular challenges to parenting, particularly NT children, but also AS children. Kids need understanding and demonstrated empathy. They need you to be there and not self-focused. This does not mean that there aren't worse parents. Just that I think there is an impact on kids whose parents can't express love as they need it to be expressed.

3b. In most cases, even where people have some serious parenting deficits, kids are better off with their own natural parents (whether that's in one home or two). The court knows this.

4. I think your parents are abusive also. Regardless of how true or not their statements may be (but blanket statements that you've said they've made sound unlikely to be 100% true)

5. Don't beat yourself up for not recognising abuse. You may well have been gaslighted and there is a strong pressure from within and without to think we've chosen a good partner - and we love our partners generally - so it can be hard to recognise them as abusers.