So I posted in the infamous AS partners forum for NT's...

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I think what it probably comes down to is simply whether or not there is another explanation for the partner's behavior, other than abuse.

If a person is getting beat up by their spouse 2-3 times a week, I can't see any other way to interpret it. That's just abuse and it's a situation the person needs to get out of. It would be sick to wait around looking for another explanation.

I have seen some things mentioned over there that sounded to me like abuse, pure and simple. And it's hard to accept that a person you love and trust would do something to deliberately hurt you. They would rather believe it's something the other person can't control. They would also rather find something external to blame it on, rather than internalize it and think they did something wrong to cause it.

But a lot of what they talk about there is more open to interpretation. Things like feeling emotionally neglected or ignored. There could be many possible explanations for what is happening, other than it being deliberate abuse. They probably WANT another explanation. They want to know why it happened.

But they aren't looking for the kind of information that would help them see things from the other person's perspective. I think most of them just aren't in a space to do that. They are too hurt and angry and disappointed.

It's kind of a weird catch-22, when a person feels hurt by someone, they don't want to believe that the other person did it on purpose. But maybe the last thing they want to hear is that the other person didn't intend to hurt them, because then the feelings don't make sense and they don't know what to attribute it to. It's like getting stuck in a loop.

Here is a link to a thoughtful discussion on relationships between NTs and AS partners:

http://www.quora.com/What-is-it-like-to ... -Aspergers

I'm posting it for comparison: the discussion is relatively nuanced, intelligent, thoughtful and there is an absence of the malice, rage and spite. For me the context of comparison shows just how toxic the forum under discussion in this thread actually is.

I'd advise against posting screenshots actually. Given that gunter has already gotten involved, the last thing we want is to push this to the point where they have the ability to make a copyright claim against WP. According to the Delphi forums TOS, they give copyright ownership of anything posted their to the original author of the post and members aren't even allowed to crosspost between different Delphi forums without the original authors permission. Given that they already know now that we see the ASPartners forum being full of hate speech, I don't think that they'd even bother with us but I don't want to take that chance. If we continue posting about that forum, we need to be smart about it.

Wouldn't the poster have to sue then, and not Delphi? And who has the time and money required to carry through with such a frivolous lawsuit? Nah, I don't think there's any reason for concern.

There's a difference between having copyright ownership and a copyright claim. This would certainly come under "fair use". Regardless, I am fairly sure NotAlone and the like will not try to sue Alex...

I was thinking that saving the web pages would be more useful than screenshots. Easier for searching and for pasting parts of the text here. The fair use argument is strengthened if the quotes are brief, I imagine. We could also have a plausible "public interest" argument. But I don't think it would come to that.

I read through this. Yes the discussion is really good for purposes of comparison. And there are some great comments and advice. I especially liked this:



But the main article was a very uncomfortable read. It came across to me as having a weirdly disrespectful tone. Comments like:





Wow...well is it just me or does anyone else think, with that kind of attitude, it's no wonder she couldn't "feel who he is"? And maybe this guy didn't totally catch on to her advances towards him, because her approach just wasn't very sincere to begin with?

I mean who on earth would ever want to be with someone who thinks they are your only opportunity to get laid? and that being who you are is a fate worse than a degenerative disease? I think he dodged a bullet with that one.

I couldn't help but to see some of myself in this guy, the way she described him, and it was super weird to see him through her eyes and her perspective and to think about people I've known who might have described me like that too.

I thought this was super interesting though:



Maybe this explains where some of the anger and hostility we see on AS Partners comes from...because the lack of connection and emptiness hurts more than an outright rejection. And because it magnifies their own self-doubts and insecurities, and they project that their partner is doing that to them, rather than realizing they are just doing that to themselves.

I was looking for the screenshots that I took of the deleted thread before I reported it. I nearly deleted all the screenshots back then, but now that that topic has been deleted I undeleted them but looks like the screenshots of that particular thread are lost. Gah, now I longer have any proof of what it said.

Oh well, at least I still have the the screenshots of the Adam Lanza thread, which was the other one that I reported and is still there. Apparently, we have a likelihood of turning into spree killers:

http://forums.delphiforums.com/aspartners/messages/?msg=13131.1

They tend to delete the threads, that's the problem.

What personal characteristics would some have to be interested in someone else, based on being the persons only opportunity to get laid/have a relationship? Seems like an unequal foundation for a relationship.


Yes, I agree. Sometimes people make bad choices based on insecurities, and it's easier to attribute blame to others, than to honestly self reflect, enact changes and grow as a person.

Yes we have to be quick sometimes. Hmm......if they ever did try to threaten us over copyright, they'd have to admit that they'd written it in the first place.

If they claim it as intellectual property, we could very reasonably argue that there's nothing intellectual about what bstn wrote. Or is that typical of the kind of reasonable statement that the law closes its ears to?

Yes it is very unequal...or rather, she perceives it as unequal, and maybe she needs to perceive it that way so she can feel more confident. It sounds like she wants to believe she is better than him in some way. But she doesn't really believe that. When she doesn't get the response she wants, she immediately turns the tables and starts thinking she's not good enough for him. She's too insecure to really approach someone as an equal.

She wanted to believe she has other options, but he doesn't. She had already sized things up ahead of time to determine what kind of chance she had with him. This is key because she was ambivalent about even wanting to get involved with him. Maybe deep down, she really wanted to. And who knows what might have happened, if she had been more forthright? But she wasn't willing to open up and take that much of a risk. She was just kind of hanging out with him to see if he would make a move on her. When he didn't, she basically decided to just write him off and stop talking to him.

That's all totally understandable, at age 17. What's weird is the way she writes about it in retrospect - and I'm guessing she was at least 27 when she wrote this, since that's the age she uses for comparison when she says she might have done things differently. The question she wrote this piece in response to is, "What is it like to be in a relationship with someone who has Asperger's?" Well they didn't have a relationship, they were just friends, and they really didn't stay friends anyway since she ditched him. Sounds like a whole lot of projection on her part.

From my perspective, there's a world of difference between statements based on ignorance (the example under now under discussion in this thread) and statements motivated by malice interwoven with ignorance (AS Partners).

I thought the contrast between the two forums was quite stark, overall, even though individual posts here and there in both forums can be singled out as atypical; generally AS Partners is hostile and hateful. Quora is more balanced and intelligent (not perfect!)

Yes of course, I suppose my first impression is based off the authors section and not on the follow up statements.
Overall the discussion and opinions posted are more balanced and certainly seem to have a level of understanding missing from AS Partners. There are also frank acknowledgements from people with ASD about the difficulties their partners face. Perhaps that is the difference that can be achieved through inclusion, instead of segregation; people actually start to understand each other because respectful open dialogue is encouraged.

Pretty much anything goes on the internet...but I think most forums would look really thoughtful and considerate compared to AS Partners! It's just that bad there.

I remember after I had a few jobs with a really hostile work environment, I was so grateful to find something better. But now I realize even though things were better in comparison, there was still a lot of disrespect going on. I was just too worn down and conditioned to putting up with it to really know the difference. The absence of hostility is not even a minimum for me anymore.

Do you all know what? There's no reasoning with these women. I tried to have an open mind with them. They're bigots, they're hate mongers, and they're garbage. They can rot in hell. f**k them.