SERIOUS change of Plans. I will NOT work on my flaws.

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Change of plans: I'm NOT going to learn social skills. I don't care. I'll do it differently. I will try to build up a sort of personality or persona that is sort of apealing to most of people and go with that. I'll kind of try to be funny, loving and lets say sweet or something and hope that some people will find me fine the way I am. I don't have the IQ to analyse anyone when they are behaving in social ways and their body language and stuff and interpreting and using body language myself and whatever. I'm actually also to old and stupid to pull that off. I will try to be myself and even if anyone thinks he is ret*d and is being nice to me, then it's ok with me. My father is such a person. and he is successful with that (I'm sure he has AS too. he is the clown type)
hell, I just realized actually some selected people liked me in the past. EVEN GIRLS! imagine THAT! I think that would work.

THIS: would be ok with me.
THIS:

Newsflash, what you have proposed to do actually is working on your social skills. It's also learning self acceptance and confidence in who you are, which always improves social skills. Developing a persona that appeals to people, like you said you were going to do, is working on social skills directly and self acceptance is working on them indirectly.

Working on social skills isn't always about copying a stereotypical NT popular guy or gal exactly. Not at all. Then you are obviously just a knock off copy of someone else or an ideal. It's not real and comes across not real. You always have to have yourself, your personality, and your thoughts in it. You just have to learn to present them better. That doesn't mean like most people do, it just means better. I worked most of my quirks into my personality, except paralyzing shyness and fear that kept me from saying anything at all. That one has to be overcome or any kind of socializing is out of the question. But all I did was learn how to present myself. At first I copied what I was told and saw, as close to perfectly as I could. Over time, as I was comfortable with that I felt comfortable with adding more of myself into how I presented myself. Now it's all me, but it's just tweaked to come across ok. I still get totally fake when I need to, and that's only when I'm around somebody I have to impress and who is also one of those fakey fake people. They eat it up and think I'm one of them. I hate being that way because it's not me, but when I need to, I'll do it if it's going to benefit me or somebody I care about. That isn't often. Usually I tell people like that off and enjoy it.

But, I think you are doing the right thing. If you don't want to think about it like improving your social skills then don't. It takes the pressure off and switches the idea from "being like them" to "being like me in a socially acceptable way".

I agree with you, OP, that you should be yourself.
Why not be yourself, you are probably not so bad as yourself.
Constantly analyzing others and trying to do the social conventional correct bizarre thing is too stressful.
I cannot do it either.
I suggest that you be generally friendly and helpful to others while being yourself.
That is what I am doing now.

Hey, I can provide support, if that's what you want.

"Being yourself" is a lot more difficult than it seems. Generally, everyone (regardless of neurology, sex, age, race, etc) kinda goes through this period of "transformation" where they begin realizing that they are not exactly who they think they are, and they struggle with having an identity. It's even tougher though for autistic people, because we have to go through a lot of "extra help" and we're constantly being told that the way of the NTs is "the right way", and that we are "disabled".

I'm not exactly perfect, but I at least have an idea about who I want to be in a few years (I applied to college a few days ago; I look forward to that). I think one thing you need to realize is that it's not all your fault. Not only were you not born with the perfect neurology that people stress, but there's very little you can do about your ways. For me, there's absolutely no way in hell I'll ever get myself adjusted towards large parties, large crowds, and other non-sensical NT stuff. Don't feel bad about this. You are your own person.

There's nothing wrong with self-help either. I know it sounds hard but realizing your social strengths (which everyone has, even me) will help you understand better. For example, I'm much better with written, online communication, and I'm much better with more "complicated" subjects as well, carrying on enlightened discussions. I've found some good pen-pals and online communities where I can genuinely be myself, and meet new people. I remember I had a lot of flaws in my speech skills that my teachers failed so hard at "correcting", but by finding my own place, I noticed I began improving a lot. Yeah, anecdotal evidence, but realizing you're a human being, and not some kind or robot or hopeless person that is at risk is the first step.

That's all I can say. Best of luck to ya.

I think it's good to lay a few good groundrules like "I won't cuss at people who won't appreciate it" or "I won't yell at people when unprovoked." obviously there are some things you want to do just to be considerate of those around you.

From my experience though, the more you show of yourself to others the more attracted they are to you, even if that self might seem weak at times or sensitive at times or perhaps even a little callous at times. It's usually better to show yourself than to put on a front.

Some people won't be attracted to this "true" self but if you are always putting on a front, people will be able to tell. If you don't know how to just be yourself then yes I agree it is very difficult. I have the same problem.

Good idea to avoid seeing yourself as a flawed person who needs fixing, or an inferior person who needs to improve and fit in with society all the damn time. The converse also has some truth - self-respect taken to the extreme is probably just going to look like arrogance - but I don't suppose you mean to do that.

I'm wary of these "big bang" moments though, where one idea is suddenly seen as likely to have a major impact. Usually I just try to pilot new ideas in a small way, and if it seems to work well, try increasing the dose.

QFTMFT. Part of my issues were actually coming from the fact that my assistants had often treated me more like a robot or a lower-functioning human who couldn't comprehend many basic ideas rather than a normal human being like anyone else. It was always that my ways of doing things were wrong, wrong wrong and wrong. By hopping this fence though, you learn the ability to not take BS. You learn how to challenge the so-called self-fulfilling prophecy of inferiority. I've improved massively on social cues and such, but I know I will never do good in extroverted social situations, not that I care.

Sounds like they didn't quite get the "I'm OK, you're OK" concept then? I honestly don't know how anybody can expect to do anything worthwhile with anybody until they take that one on board. Thanks to a certain primary caregiver of mine, I still feel, as a gut reaction, like I'm not good enough and never will be. Doesn't show up much in my behaviour, but it's a different story inside.

The best advice I received when I went to work at a corporation was that it was my job to adapt myself to the corporation, not the corporation to adapt themselves to me. There was absolutely no reason for the corporation to have to change to adapt to my way of thinking -- it was completely on me to learn to fit in or I would be gone.

So you don't want to work on your flaws? Don't expect anyone to put up with you, then. Some will, but most will not.

I reached this point a long time ago. I just got tired of trying to be someone that other people expect me to be and instead I just be myself, which, over the years of ridiculous bullying and people deciding they HAD to be overly nice or simple to me, I became pretty much a realist in terms of human society. But it's not really a horrible thing to be able to pick a liar out of a crowd, it keeps me from being taken advantage of.
These days I just do what makes me happy (when I actually can, unfortunately I can't hold down a decent job, which makes things worse for me).

Here is what I mean, just to expand.

Let's say I try to fit in and act perfectly all the time. I just shut down and avoid everyone since it is the only way to be perfect 100% of the time.

There have been times where I have abandoned this philosophy and just started acting weird in public or go into a meditative state while blocking everyone out. And its almost like people look at this and they appreciate it more than this robot who just sits still and is always cursing himself about not wanting to do the right thing.

Does that make sense? I am extremely hard on myself, so sometimes just doing what is best for myself comes off as a positive thing.

Picture the guy doing Tai-CHi all by himself in a public area. People look at it, and maybe think, wow, that's kind of cool. Or maybe they think, wow, what a weirdo. In any case you get a little bit of attention.

Yes it makes sense to me. There are two popular opposing paradigms:
(A) "better to be silent and thought a fool, than to speak up and remove all doubt," and
(B) "a man who can't make a mistake can't do anything."

They're both partly true, and I figure you're sick of living by paradigm A and are now looking at paradigm B as an alternative. I think that's progressive. I'm just wary of taking it too far too quickly, hence my "big bang" comment. I strongly suspect that the answer has to be a mixture of both ways, i.e. taking reasonable risks. I wish I could reliably calculate social risk "on the fly," then I'd be more proactive, more confident.

So my warning is just to be careful, that's all. It would be silly to stay silent for the rest of your life, and I wish you luck in finding your voice.