Made the mistake of reading the parent's forum

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In my experience this community has been very supportive. Over the years I have posted periodically with questions and issues because I like to get feedback from other parents and adults with ASD. I live in an area with very little awareness of ASD in general and I have no one to talk with about it. I adore my daughter (dx'd at 4 1/2 with Asperger's) and most of the other parents I have "met" on this forum seem to love and support their children as best they can. Several other posters to this thread have put it better then me - but I don't view myself as trying to change my daughter or not appreciating who she is. But I do try to give her the tools to succeed, the ability to make her own decisions (even if I don't agree with them), the goals being college, job, relationships and an independent life as she chooses. Sending my best to all!

For "passing", I feel like that's probably something that comes somewhat organically for each individual... and based on their ability and interest in observing other humans and copying their behavior, they are going to figure out how to "pass", if that's something that's useful or desirable. And how the person feels about that may change over time. Like one of the other posters here, I know I worked really hard to "pass" as a kid and a young adult, but it was exhausting. In fact I "passed" so well that I didn't really see my own ASD, because I compared myself to my brother, who didn't try to "pass" at all. Now, as an adult, I've realized that the effort to "pass" is too exhausting and I don't get enough out of it to really justify all that effort. I'd prefer to just be alone more. Luckily I'm able to work at home, so I can get away with that. If I had to work in an office, I'd probably have to start some kind of medication to cope.

I think about this with my son, and that's when I start to wonder how much it's my role to push for more than that "organic" process of each individual's instinct/interest to learn to "pass"-- how to prepare him to live in an NT world, and to have as many options as possible. Based on my son's interests and his personality (he's much more extroverted than me), I think he will probably head towards a career that won't be possible as a shut-in at home, like I pretty much am. And so that means learning how to be around other people, not alienate everyone, and not be miserable and exhausted all the time from being around other people who have a different way of behaving. But at the same time, it's always been made clear that this isn't about him being "wrong" and we're teaching him to be "right". It's more like... if you were a native English-speaker, and you got a job in France, then it would behoove you to learn French. But that doesn't mean you're going to stop speaking English, when you're with your English-speaking friends and family. Or that your native language is "wrong" and French is "right", just because you start using French at your job. It's just a tool.

When there are behaviors that are truly frustrating (for HIM) or which are causing HIM unhappiness, then we address it differently. And not from a standpoint of "you are broken and need a remedy", but more like, okay, this situation exists and it's frustrating you. What can we do to make it better?

The biggest problem I have is when I disagree with, say, school staff about what is a "problem". If his differences aren't hurting anything, and he is learning and having a good time, then I don't see a problem. Whereas they are more like a clear graph where their happiness goes up in a direct line with how "normal" he can be. And that's a problem. So much so that I'm always teetering on the edge of pulling him out. And I have to advocate for him constantly, which is very difficult for ME (since I don't want to deal with other people at all, because of my OWN issues.)

It was very striking how, before he began school, life was all wonderful. He had no need to "pass" and therefore there was no "disability". There was no question of teaching him to "pass" because we didn't see anything "wrong" with him. We knew he was different, but "different" was not synonymous with "bad" or "wrong" or "defective". He was delightful.

As soon as he starts school, that changes. His behavior is problematic for everyone in that environment (not so much because he was being disruptive or dangerous, but really because he wasn't doing what he was "supposed" to be doing like everyone else, and they didn't know what to do about that) and therefore he was suddenly "disabled". And I had to gradually come around to agree that, on some level, yes, he was "disabled" in that environment (even though I don't like that word, because it's so judgy for so many people-- comes along with a nice big helping of condescension and a massive underestimation of his intelligence and potential.) And I had to admit that while I *personally* don't feel that his "differences" are bad, wrong, embarrassing, "diseased", or whatever someone else wants to call them, most of the outside world seems to think so. And so to mitigate all of that, yes, learning to "pass" can be helpful-- so that people will get off his back, let him do his thing, exist, learn, make friends, etc.... SHOULD he have to? No. But it's the reality.