Not being able to make friends/fit in on job

Post Reply New Topic

I used to have that problem. Now I don't care. When I go into the lunchroom, I usually go to a table by myself. Half the time, other co-workers will join me. Sometimes, I get to eat lunch by myself (with my book). I don't much care either way.

During my late 20s, I just stopped caring about making friends, fitting in, and being sociable. I don’t know why. It was probably a combination of fatigue, a heavy workload, and the growing realization that I just do not relate well to other people. When I started working at my current job, I ate lunch with my co-workers for the first few days, just to make things look good. Then I quickly shifted to eating my lunch by myself, in my office, whilst surfing the web. I mostly read news web-sites, and finance/ macro-econ blogs. I find this to be a lot more interesting than anything my co-workers are ever talking about. My co-workers think I am unsociable, and I think they are superficial bores. C'est la vie.

I gave up worrying about it years ago. I don't think I gain anything socialising with my work colleagues, so I now just think "why bother?". It doesn't mean that I don't feel hurt when they all go out without me.

I'm in a difficult position anyway, because I'm a team manager and of course they sometimes want to distance themselves from the boss. However, some things that have happened have been pretty bad. Like that fact that I used to organise lunch trips out for my team & others in the department. When I didn't do it for a short while, they went out anyway, but didn't bother to tell me - now that was upsetting.

I did try to get them doing something again recently - there was a company staff quiz & I offered to organise a team from the department. I had one reply, and that was just someone saying they weren't around However if the same guy had organised it, they would have all come running - I just don't get it.

Even if I do get asked to anything, I just feel like it's being done out of sympathy, so what's the point?

Now I only socialise (rarely) with the other equivalent 5 team leaders in other departments. I organise the trips out, because no-one else thinks about it. They're all happy to go, because it's an opportunity to sound-off about the organisation & their staff in a relatively safe environment. Even so, I tend to sit as the quiet mouse in the corner and I am not often brought into the conversation.

To be honest, I'd just rather not be invited anywhere at all - it's far too much effort acting NT, even if I do go. I'd be much happier if I could shrug off this underlying niggly voice that keeps demanding that I get out there and do things. I think I'll just stick with the other team leaders - at least we've got something in common with our jobs, and so even I can talk to them occasionally

Anecdote time:

A guy asked a girl that we worked with if she'd like to go out for supper with him. She replied in the negative: "I have to wash my hair tonight."

I thought to myself "All night?", but kept silent.

To appease him, she said "why dont we just eat lunch together here at work?" She obviously didnt want to be seen in public with him..

To which he replied "No thanks, I'll eat with some who is clean."

Well, we've had another person leave our company (not because of me! lol...another situation entirely but we have had turnover). Anyway, I was friendly with this person but again we weren't close friends and I'll probably never see her again. This is the way it always is for me--at work or anywhere. It's why I don't try to make friends anymore...wherever I go, even if it's a group for something I'm interested in, it's the same thing. I never feel I have anything to say, and I never really get to know anyone, or if I get to know them from their general conversation they don't get to know me or want to hang around outside of whatever the meeting situation is. Unless they're someone who wants to be helpful and feel sorry for me.

This is so much the story of my life that the post itself took me by surprise since it's so typical for me.

My problem is that I just don't have anything to say. I can handle simple questions and answers, but I don't watch TV and have a terrible memory for stuff that I am not hyperfocused on. When I hear something I know something about, I am afraid to say anything because I fear that I'll sound dumb because I really don't have anything to say compared to anyone else, even when I feel very strongly about it.

I totally get what you mean. I wish I could help. But I can't. The only way I seem to be able to make friends is by living with people (ex housemates and roomates). Now that I don't live in group settings like that anymore, I've stopped making friends. I only have one friend in town. Its really hard. My therapist says I should find someone I identify with and ask them if they want to have coffee or something sometime. But how can I do that if I don't spend time with people or talk to them? And how on earth am I supposed to do that? Sometimes things can be lonely. I just try to not let it get to me and I focus on staying in touch with the few friends I do have.