To change or not to change, that is the question

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Seven cases shown below. Please try to come up with your solutions before peeking at my solutions.

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CASE #1: For a few days, my son refused to sit on high chair for dinner. He threw tantrum, fell on the floor and kicked in the air. My wife couldn't get him to the high chair. I tried, and I was not successful either. My son was non-verbal back then.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO, IF YOU THINK THE CHILD NEEDS TO CHANGE?

WHAT I DID: I asked my wife point-blank: did you lie to him recently? Well, it was not a lie. It was a new pre-school. My son woke up from his nap and did not see my wife (even though she was still in the school, just in a different room.) After learning that, I drew pictures for my son, telling him that Mommy was in school when he woke up there a few days ago, and that in the future whenever he woke up from nap, he would go out to play in the playground first, then he would have circle time in class. And that Mommy would come to pick him up later. All that, in pictures. I made the same pictures into a card album, so my wife could carry it and show it to my son whenever she dropped him in school.

RESULT: dinner time tantrum disappeared. Also, my wife did not need to stay in school any more.

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CASE #2: My son refused to watch new video clips I made for him. He also refused to read simple sentences.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO, IF YOU THINK THE CHILD NEEDS TO CHANGE?

WHAT I DID: I took him one Saturday to our neighborhood shopping plaza. We went to McDonald's. We rode elevators and escalators. Visited the water fountain and the clock tower, as well as the grocery store that had cute kid-size shopping carts. Spent one whole day having fun with my son. Took some photo pictures. Made a video clip out of the day's experience with photo pictures and stick figure drawings.

RESULT: my son regained interest in my video clips and also continued to learn to read new sentences.

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CASE #3: My son played with a vacuum cleaner 10 hours a day. If we put the vacuum cleaner back into the closet, he would throw a tantrum, fall on the floor, kick in the air.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO, IF YOU THINK THE CHILD NEEDS TO CHANGE?

WHAT I DID: I let him continue to play with vacuum cleaners 10 hour a day. However, I drew a card album with 5 pictures, showing him the sequence of playing the vacuum cleaner and putting it back into the closet, letting him know that he could always get the vacuum cleaner anytime he wanted, but first we put it back. After he got used to this game, I then added one more step: before he got the vacuum cleaner, he had to do one more activity. At the beginning I just asked him to run one loop around the staircase with me. Then I wrote down the words "I WANT VACUUM" and asked him to read it out loud. Then I asked him to go tap tap Mommy and say "I am a good boy" before I gave the vacuum cleaner to him. Then I switched to ask him to play head-shoulder-knees-and-toes with me. Then I switched to ask him to read some simple sentences.

RESULT: my son learned to verbalize, learned to follow verbal commands, learned to read simple sentences. Without even making any conscious effort on my side, after a few months, he gradually stopped stimming with the vacuum cleaner.

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CASE #4: My son stimmed with elevators. He would watch elevator videos on YouTube all the time.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO, IF YOU THINK THE CHILD NEEDS TO CHANGE?

WHAT I DID: we bought some elevator toys for him. We also bought building blocks (Mega Bloks) for him. I made cartoon elevator video clips for my son. On weekends I took him out to elevator rides in our neighborhood shopping plaza.

RESULT: My son learned to construct objects from building blocks, learned to talk, learned to draw pictures (his first picture was an elevator), learned to write (his first written word was "elevator"), learned to type (his first typed word was, you guessed it, "elevator"). All from his passion with elevators. He still stims with elevators, which is great, because now I am making elevator video clips (with cows) to teach him math word problems. Next I am going to teach him about engaging in conversations with other people, by recycling some elevator-with-cows videos (probably adding in some tortoises/turtles, since my son now loves to draw tortoises/turtles as well.)

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CASE #5: Just a few days ago, my son refused to take a bath, he cried and pretended to slam the door.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO, IF YOU THINK THE CHILD NEEDS TO CHANGE?

WHAT I DID: I asked my wife what happened. As it turned out, the iPad ran out of battery and needed to be recharged. My wife yelled a bit at my son, telling him that he should stop playing and let the iPad recharge. After learning that, I drew pictures for my son at bedtime, telling him that iPad needed to recharge first, so that he could play after the iPad was fully recharged. Gave him a high-five afterwards.

RESULT: The next day he was happy to take a bath. (Nowadays I remove my son's tantrums and resentments just that easy: bedtime picture-aided talking. It works every single time. The key is to give him the full logical explanation of what happened and what's the best thing to do for the greater good of everyone, and treat him as an equal-rights human being.)

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CASE #6: My daughter did not talk.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO, IF YOU THINK THE CHILD NEEDS TO CHANGE?

WHAT I DID: I did not care about her not talking at young age. She loved to read. So I taught her to read when she was 2.5 years old. True reading, whole words and whole sentences.

RESULT: She became fully verbal at age 5. Also, her reading speed today (7 years old) is faster than most adults. Academically she is near the top of her mainstream class.

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CASE #7: My daughter had poor eye contact, did not socialize.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO, IF YOU THINK THE CHILD NEEDS TO CHANGE?

WHAT I DID: I did not care about her not socializing at young age. I drew stick-figures for her. And added speech bubbles. She loved my drawings. I developed her visual-manual skills, which served as the foundation for all other skills, including verbal and social.

RESULT: She learned to draw, and then learned to talk. Today, she has excellent eye-contact, is fully social, and has tons of friends. I asked her who her best friend was: she gave me three names. Now that she has all the tools to learn to socialize, now is the moment that I work on her socialization (e.g. playdates). To me, socialization is the last skill that autistic children need to learn, not the first.

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In all these seven cases, I never attempted to change my children's behaviors. Instead, I either found out the root causes of the issues, or used my children's behaviors as anchor points to teach them new skills. Stimming time is learning time. In the case of my son's obsession with elevators, he is still obsessed, and that is perfectly fine with me. I never cared about changing him. I only cared about developing my children, teaching them new skills. My focus is always DEVELOPMENT, not CHANGE.

And people wonder why my two children are always happy and smiling (as if autistic children are supposed to do the opposite.) If you think I am lucky because I have "high-functioning" children, think again. This is the description of my son when he was younger (from my website): "...Mind you, my son was hyperactive, could not stay still for 2 seconds, could not focus or look at static pictures (let alone stick figures). He could not read and could not talk. He used to get mad easily, throw tantrums, break objects, slam doors, and had a variety of sensory problems. He used to play with a vacuum cleaner ten hours a day."

Brilliant. It all goes to show that "behavior issues" aren't always behavior issues, but responses to confusing situations, and the best way to solve the issues is not with discipline, but with insight.

I challenge your use of the "change" concept, however: you never "changed" your children, you solved their problems. Of course, maybe there are parents out there who haven't figured out that connection yet.

I'm glad these things worked for you but I think it's important to remember that not all children are the same and what worked for you wouldn't necessarily work for another child.

Stuff like this. It's great that your daughter is fully verbal and top of her mainstream class. But just because your daughter became fully verbal and top of her mainstream class doesn't mean everybody else's autistic child could if they were parented the same way. Even with NT children, they're not all going to be top of the class no matter kind of a great parent you are...because children are actually human beings and they vary. Some are not "top of the class" material and that is OK.

Both of my kids were speech delayed. One is still non-verbal. To answer the question you posed: what have I done? A lot of things actually. And maybe that is the problem- maybe I should have done fewer things, but since none of them worked, it's tempting to move on and try something else. One of kids talks now, although he is very speech delayed. My 15 year old does not speak.

They both get OT on a floortime model. I am a fan of Dr. Stanley Greenspan's method and have used them at home since my kids were young. They've done traditional therapy and they've also done non-traditional stuff and lots of it. I'm more into the non-traditional stuff at home- we do a lot of open-ended crafts, have musical instruments, etc..

We have a tremendous amount of difficulty getting my oldest son to do anything. He likes to do a lot of visual stimming and I've always tried to provide him with interesting things to stim with. He used to stim with water (he'd just stare at it) so then I would add food colouring or have things that float and sink, or add glitter, or something to teach him something hopefully...that's part of the Greenspan method. But he doesn't demonstrate his learning. He may know a lot of things, but we don't know that he knows them. That's one reason why it's so hard to teach him. He may know how to read, in fact. But he never demonstrates it.


And how exactly did you do that? See, this is my problem: my efforts to teach him to read have failed as well. I'm not opposed to alternative communication methods (actually we have tried every alternative communication method that I have heard of).



Oh, I have tried the "you can't have the vacuum cleaner until you do/say something" method. This is what our traditional speech therapist wanted me to do with my eldest son. I used to give in when he'd start getting upset, because I thought if he actually can't speak, it's cruel to hold it over his head like that. Well, one day, I decided I needed him to speak. I was far into my second pregnancy and I just decided he wasn't going to be non-verbal anymore- I'd had enough of this non-verbal business. So I set out to not give him anything until he said something. All day. He was absolutely hysterical. It was one of the, if not THE, worst day(s) of my parenting career. I think that was terrible parenting, to be frank. I think it may work for some kids in some situations, but I do not believe that that is The Solution to having a non-verbal child.

What you described, by the way, is the principle that ABA is founded on. Operant conditioning, I think it's called (I'm not a psych major and spell-check is saying no to that, so maybe it's not called that- but it's something like that)- they can get rats to spin around before they push the button to get food using this method too. It's nothing new regarding teaching autistic children. I think ABA has a place in teaching autistic children, but I don't buy it as a singular "treatment".

??Your son was throwing tantrums at the dinner table, so you asked your wife if she had lied to him recently??

I am sorry, but that left me saying WTH and SMH. Your kid is misbehaving and your first thought is your wife must have lied to him? Honestly, that makes me glad I am not your wife. Honestly, I find the fact that your first response was a) it must have been something your wife did and b) she must have lied...both sad and strange.

I do understand that you are trying to help other parents by sharing things that have worked for your family. I appreciate that. But in being completely honest, your posts often come off a bit preachy and a bit like you think that your parenting style is the only correct way and that the reason your kids are the way they are is simply because of your parenting style. Anyone else who is having issues with their kids or who's kids are not always "happy and smiling" and "high functioning," must be where they are because they are not as "smart" as you are in parenting your kids, right?

Some kids, no matter how they are parented (barring abuse or neglect) are going to end up higher functioning than others. Others, no matter how hard their parents try, are going to end up lower functioning. How much a kid is able to learn and develop is not simply related to parenting strategies. All people (not just those on the spectrum) have naturally occurring constraints that will never be overcome, despite effort, desire, will, belief, and prayers.

Again, I think it is great that your kids are responding well to your parenting practices. I think it is just important to understand that not all kids will necessarily respond well to what you are doing. I think it is equally important to understand that sometimes what we see in kids--ours or other people's--has little to do with parenting skills, and more to do with a kid's innate capacity, temperament, ability to regulate, etc.

One could also argue that development IS change. Both development and change start in one place and end in another.

I also want to point out that both of my kids were significantly different when they were younger. My daughter was much more severe in her autistic presentation, and my son was too much for most people to handle. For me to think that the fact that my daughter is now mildly impaired and my son is a pleasure for most adults to spend time with is mostly or even largely due to me or something I have done is hubris. They have both developed and matured according to their own trajectories, and although my guidance may have played somewhat of a role in their development, to pat myself on the back or to take credit takes away from the work that they have done. It also minimizes the fact that in some ways, I am "lucky." I have kids who have the inborn capacity to be high functioning. Not everyone does, and I think it is important to be sensitive to that.

Strange, indeed, my wife's response is described in my book. She simply replied: "Yeah, I think I did." Well, it was not precisely a lie. Together, we worked as a team, and solve the problem. She is the mastermind behind the book. My wife is smart, kind and fun. You can find more in my book. You can read page 4 of the prologue on Amazon, so you can have an idea what type of person my wife is. By the way, *misbehaving* is a word that we don't use in our family. Throwing tantrums, yes. But not misbehaving. There is a difference.

Having been in science and engineering my entire life, I see people with quirky personalities, all the time. But if they can contribute, frankly people in these fields don't care much. I had a professor that used to stand up in the middle of big conferences and make outrageous criticisms at the speakers. Well, he turned out to be a Nobel Prize Winner later. Eccentricity has never been an issue in science. Throwing tantrums is one thing, misbehaving is another thing.


We differ there. I am a scientist and I am used to deal with exceptions: exceptional people, exceptional events (1 out of a million, or even 1 out of a billion.) I know there are exceptions, of course. However, for the absolute majority of cases, I don't believe that those children that you may have in mind are predestined to end up "low-functioning." I don't even use that term. I call them "underdeveloped." Underdeveloped? Not a problem. You develop them. Problem solved.

Pro-video autistic children have very narrow channels of communication. They are exceptionally good in those channels, though. If you don't develop them through those channels, many won't develop properly. That's all. I know you like to make parents in this forum feel better. That is very nice on your part. But my priority is not on parents. My priority is on children.

OP, it's great how all that worked out with your kids and how you found a way to teach them to correct their behavior without "changing" them. I see it as, what works with one kid may not work with another and the same goes with NTs kids too. Someone can read a parenting book and try it with their kids and it might not always work with every kid out there but yet no one makes a grip saying how it doesn't work on all kids but yet I notice they tend to write different methods to do with a child while you only wrote one method so perhaps that is the difference between you and other people who write parenting books for NT kids.

It sounds like what you did with your kids is something my mom did with me as a kid, drawing pictures of situations to talk to me to help me understand and what she is talking about in my day and it taught me to think abstractly and turn words into pictures and see the big picture. It's funny when I was in middle school, teachers preferred to draw pictures than talk whenever they had to talk to me. I think this is what people call social stories. I do think if you do this to autistic kids when they are young, it will change their thinking when they are older and their lives will be easier and it will be like they can think like an NT.

* Burp *

So, whether you want to come right out and say it or not, you ARE saying the reason the majority of low-functioning people are low-functioning is because their PARENTS failed to develop them.

Wow.

There are some interesting ideas here. Just, as InThisTogether says, it's arrogant to extrapolate from ones own limited experience to say something is valid for all in all circumstances.

The sample size is inadequate here. In order to say this is scientific, it would have to have statistical significance. A sample of 2, or 3 or even 10 is too small....especially if they are members of the same family, to say this is valid and can be generalized. More accurate, as well as more sensitive, to present as ideas that may be helpful rather than a way to fix everyone.

You beat me to it, Waterfalls.

The only time n=2 will be significant is if the population is "all kids who live in eikonabridge's household."

It's all to sell his book, folks.

I have noticed the "subtly" placed "in my book" and "on my website."

I hope that is not true. It is one thing to want to help others by a "secret" you think you have found. It is another thing to prey on people who are searching for answers by telling them that you have THE answer and that if they don't follow what you say and have less than optimal results, it will be THEIR fault.

* hiccup *

I have largely ignored most of the OPs posts (other than to note why \his method is not appropriate for my child) because frankly I also agree with Yippy Skippy and InThisTogether on the facts that #1 the intent is to market a particular method (and book and website) and #2 it is also being done presumptuously as though this method is a kind of panacea.

Typically with new/newish posters close to 100% of the posts are questions as opposed to answers. This ratio then shifts as the poster learns more about autism and the forum. I do not think this poster has once asked a question, or asked for any kind of help. That also comes off as strange because real people who are not writing a book or marketing a website (and even many who are still have questions and unsolved problems.)

A stick-figure drawing is not going to fix every issue even for the children for whom it works. Problem-solving is great, but I don't believe for one minute that every problem can be solved so quickly and intuitively as the OP suggests.

You're all likely right.

What's odd to me is, as DW pointed out, OP is trying to change his/her kids, calling it development doesn't alter the fact that he's seeking to change behavior. Maybe just wanting to attract readers. I'm not good at recognizing manipulation.

Sooner or later autistic kids hit some kind of wall that's difficult/painful for parents, I hope maybe OP will be open to other ideas when/if this happens as I do think it's possible to help our kids feel more accepted, acceptable, and happy certainly than what I felt growing up and learning to pretend for adults best I could while kids avoided me. OPs methods will only carry the family so far, after that finding new ways to understand and respond, and being flexible, will be key.

Elkonabridge, you must have asked yourself this, if you care to answer, I am wondering: how likely do you think it is that you have AS?

That happens a lot on this board, and I long ago realized that for most of our readership it isn't really a problem as long as the philosophies are ones that we generally agree with.

I agree with commenters that noticed the first example has a pretty WTF answer, but when I read it I felt that the problem wasn't the example, but that it was poorly set up and explained. Ultimately, this guy solved the behavior problem by realizing it wasn't a behavior problem, but a symptom of stress in his child. Missing from his example are all the steps in his head that presumably led to the question he asked his wife, like knowing that the child is most likely to cross the line into tantrums when he has misunderstood something and felt lied to during the day. I would hope that all that is clarified in his book, or the example is useless to most people.

I do believe that many low functioning children have more potential than they appear to, but that is not always going to be the case, and there is no way to know what you have until you have tried. Every parent here is trying in an informed way, and if these kids can be reached, they will be reached. But, obviously, you can reach a child and discover the problem wasn't just ASD, but also IQ. Many things will permanently limit a child's potential, and that is important to recognize: low IQ (which cannot accurately be assessed in many ASD kids), sensory issues that are so debilitating they can never be solved, any of a giant list of co-morbid conditions, and so on. I agree that to deny that possibility gives parents false expectations, and "positive" false expectations can be just as destructive to a family as negative, doom and gloom ones.

I replied positively to the OPs post because I thought it correctly pointed out that the obvious is not always the right answer, and it battles head on the "just spank him" or "all the child needs is more discipline" myth we often hear from strangers. And because the OP has clearly done well by his own ASD children. That doesn't mean he is perfect, so I hope he will take the feedback from here into consideration and perhaps edit his writing and book a bit more.