Fake it 'til you make it?

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I'm in my late 40's and over the years, I've learned to play the role of a neurotypical convincingly well. I may be perceived as a bit aloof at times, but I've learned to read people, recognize what's expected of me and respond accordingly. Unless you know me well or have seen the façade slip when I'm highly stressed, you'd never realize that anything was amiss. In fact, I'm pretty regularly complimented on my "emotional intelligence" and my ability to deal with people. (though, in my head, I feel like it's some sort of a Jane Goodall situation. I have no illusions that I might actually be a chimpanzee, but I can emulate one well enough to be accepted)

I guess that my question is, is there a point when the act becomes reality? As a child/young adult, everyone around me essentially knew who I was and what I was like, but it was so socially and professionally limiting, that I had to find that new character to hide behind. Now I almost feel like some sort of psychopath hiding behind this mask. If I didn't have the outlet of friends and family, where I could be normal (or abnormal, depending on your perspective), I'd probably lose my mind.

I'm interested in how others in this situation cope with the cognitive dissonance. How do you balance who you are with who you're expected to be? I know that balance can be a common problem for all of us, but I'm really looking for the people who have gotten to the point where that gap has become so wide that it's almost two different people or those that have successfully made the transition to a perceived NT.

It is a lot easier for me now than 10 years ago. I have learned a lot about how to interact well with people and I'm learning more all the time. I still feel very different from most others but I'm much less anxious and paranoid now that I've started to accept myself. I think trying to act like an NT is ultimately self-alienating. You could start to feel quite inauthentic or fake. Like a psychopath. You are essentially deceiving everyone and trying to turn the deceit into truth by deceiving yourself also. If you can live like that without getting depressed then go ahead but I couldn't.

I can act more neurotypical at times but when I'm in a noisy environment I'm pretty obviously autistic. I don't hide it. I don't go round telling everyone I'm autistic but I don't try to alter my behaviour to fit some vague idea of normal or neurotypical. I don't know what that is.

This sounds very much like how I feel about life. When I was younger, I struggled to understand people but I was made to feel like if I practised more I would be better. So I developed what I call my 'algorithms' that I use in each situation, basically from studying other people and learning what I should do. I have been complimented on giving seminars and socialising with colleagues (although I feel equally as often I mess up) but this is only because I've worked so hard to learn the 'correct way', probably more than people who do it naturally. I actually find it incredibly mentally tasking to keep it up and often after having to put on this act I need to go home and sleep or at the very least have a bad headache. As I've learned that this is just how my brain is wired I've started to become more accepting of my weirdness and am more open about it, more so with colleagues I've worked with for a long time and so on. It seems to me like people are becoming more tolerant of people who are different as long as it doesn't just come across like you're being an ass, or maybe I just move in better circles than a few years ago.

Thanks - this is a great topic. I just turned 58 and I've been passing for NT my whole adult life - sincd I was 7. It's what I was rather brutally forced to do as a child and now I look back at a life lived as a sort of fake. There is a real me underneath, but I cant be true to myself while pretending to be other than what I am. So I've disappointed people because forming close relationships requires authenticity and I constantly pretend. Pretend to have thoughts and emotions and desires that 'normal' folks have. When things scare me or bring me joy, I hold that inside because they're not what scares or delight most folks. I'm a manager, have 38 years as a professional, own a nice home, and have accomplished what a lot of NT's would envy. But the cost has been failed relationships, not having friends who know the real me... I barely know who I really am after all these years. Now my challenge is to find a path to being myself as an autistic adult. I would get a bad reaction if I wagged my hands or stimmed or stuttered at work. I don't like having to be secretive about my autism at all. I'll always be a poor imitation if I try tp pass for NT. I can only be excellent at something if I am authentic. But I get treated poorly when I let my autism show. I guess I will need to slowly hoist my freak flag and learn to deal with the consequences.

Sometimes I think that I am more aware than neurotypicals because I have had to work so hard at it. I'm constantly studying and analysing, while others are blissfully in their own worlds.


No.

I know what you mean. But although autistics and psychopaths may have this "studying" strategy in common, psychopaths have a lot of other stuff going on too.


I've given up the act. I'm still in the process of recovering myself though.

This is so true. I've been trying to explain to people I know that I've been acting as an NT this whole time. But now that I'm trying to be myself again (a new years resolution), they look at me like I'm trying to be ASD. The irony.

I've learn to fake being an NT fairly well. but it highly unnatural to do amd takes a lot of effort. It's like driving an 18wheeler on an ice-skating rink, with no power steering, warped tires and bad wheel alignment.

At this point, I would rather not make it. After all, what are the benefits? Money, a successful career, new friendships, and a family? I don't care about those things. If they motivate other people, fine, but I just want enough money to get by; I can do without all the rest. I live in a fundamentally flawed society where being true to yourself is often preached, rarely practiced, and never rewarded. It isolates you and makes success hard to achieve even for an NT, and even harder for people on the spectrum. In a place where I have to choose between success and my true identity, I'll usually pick the latter.

I stopped pretending to be normal a long time ago. It was never a very good act because I didn't understand what normal was anyway. I'm pretty sure that many of the people whom society would consider "normal" compared to me are actually far more unstable.

It confuses me at this stage what is and was learned NT skills and fakery. All I know I hit my limit just after 50 and crashed. That is directly why I was diagnosed and am here.