Knowing family all your life and still misinterpreting

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Today was my grandpa's birthday on my dad's side. I have gone through some stuff with that side of my family as a child that only I will every really understand. It was negative. Therefore, I have called off my guilt trips (try to anyway) when it comes to not going to social gatherings with them. I went along with it for most of my life but now I'm trying to heal myself so I just don't go around them anymore. Unless they're at my parents house and I have to walk passed them or something like that.

Whenever these gatherings come around afterward I always worry that my dad is disappointed with me or that I've hurt his feelings. He looks tired and sad (I feel) a lot of the time when I look at him but then when I talk to him he seems normal. I just get real confused when I see my dad for some reason. Not so much with my mom. Maybe it was because I was around my mom more as a child and I still have to work on my relationship with my dad. I go places with my mom but I've never really gone out and done anything with my dad. I don't know what to do. I guess I need to sit down and brainstorm.

But mostly what bothers me here is that I've been around my dad 23 years and still don't know exactly when he's feeling down or not. People say that people with Asperger's have problems with empathy but I personally feel like I might have too much. I try to imagine what people are feeling all the time. Even how my mere movements are effecting them. It distracts me and makes me anxious if there are too many people to keep track of and that is one of the reasons I don't like being social in groups. Sorry, I think I went off on a tangent.

End scene.

Yeah, I've never really been able to 100% read my mom. You would think about over 2 decades, I'd finally understand all of her body language and cues, but noo...

As for the empathy thing, I've realized that I do have empathy, but it usually doesn't kick in until after the moment has passed and I've analyzed what's happened. I call it 'delayed empathy'. I've also heard of aspies having 'practical/pragmatic empathy', where we are emphatic in situations where it makes logical sense to be emphatic in, if that makes sense.

Some of us have faces that in the relaxed or contemplative state look mad or sad, even when we aren't. My mom always looked mad. So do I.

I avoid my siblings and other relatives. They always try to remind me of my past screw-ups and dismiss my feelings by saying that they have it worse.

It's one insensitive put-down after another, which is why I now live 2000 miles from them.

I also avoid my family because of the past and I'm not "mature" enough to fully forgive. No matter how much research I put into psychology or how much I understand that society makes people into as*holes. There's still the part of me that can't be selfless anymore. I have to make sure that I am comfortable, I don't care about other people's comfort anymore because there's no pleasing them when it comes to a lot of people.

Guess it feels like that to all of us at some level. For me sometimes even in the lunch or brakfest im tyng to get the clues what is my mom grandma or uncles seeking for, or understandig what they say when they feel upset or high happy with someone. always thinking if I can help in a practical way rest is useless. Way Im trying to cope is to openly ask what do they mean how would I help, althou I know sometimes bothering, LoL, trying to do small stuff serve in something and hold my tongue when I percieve been talking a lot about things that do not interest.. Hope you find somethig helpful and also can be open with ppl. Stay strong

My boyfriend is like that he feels deeply but it takes him time to process his feelings. He is also very pragmatic.

One thing that has helped me an I know not everyones cup of tea but CBT. Book called mind over mood I found explains it well.
You basically analyse your feelings and decided whether it is an irrational belief system.

So for example I love my Dad but we are very different thinkers. We where driving once an I took a wrong turn I decided to go a different way which caused an argument. Because he is my Dad I still see him as a role model but that doesn't mean he is right or I am wrong about anything.

Now when I get emotional about anything I dig deep an most of the time I feel a relief after I realise it was actually about stuff that has happened to me years ago.Its helped me to live more in the now.

Take care