Old friendship turned sour

Post Reply New Topic

A week ago I had a couple of visitors,- two old friends, who has closed their door on me, because I was hard to get in touch with for about six months.They themselves have often been hard to reach for months, but the trouble this time is, that one, the male part, has an abandonement trauma (the parents shut the door to him shortly after his wedding, which they themselves put a great effort into).
My friends sat here complaining about me being hard to reach and me calling them to often afterwards. We aggreed on more openness, more contact and all. I let them "sing out loud" about, what they thought, I´d done wrong. They said, that I now was "on trial" as a friend.
I didnt say much myself. My thoughts allways come later, - so I sms´ed them to suggest another meeting. No answer.
In the name of the new openness, I wrote them,saying "I´m entitled to speak my mind as well".
I confirmed my understanding and proceeded with things seen from my perspective. The point is, that once the male part and I had a good friendship and went on many merry fishingtrips together. Then he found a girlfriend and gradually he grew more irritated with me, even though he still invited me. The three of us went out. Then my neighbor, a sporty man, entered the group and I thought: "I can´t compete with that". The four of us still went out, - but they grew more irritated with me: I was too nervous, not fast enough, even though I did my best. I was slowly backed out. They began to go out without me. I was still invited sometimes, but the trips were full of conflict - mostly between my former friend and me.
I described that period with more neutral words and I told them, that their behavior towards me had caused an almost physical pain, - but also pointed out, that otherwise I had met warmth and inclusion and that I hope, that we can sort it out somehow.

I think, the neighbour told them about my aspie dx. The female part had said: "OK, so THAT´s why she is like that". I wonder, what "like that" refers to. I have eaten tons of insecurity to try to fit in.

Maybe they will not answer, but if you had a conflict with someone, you regarded as a friend, and he/she posted you a letter - wouldn´t you read it? I would.

Hi Jensen,

I get the feeling that there's been much misunderstanding....and maybe the other people might be irritated by letters related to what you folks are going through.

I understand your irritation at being told you are on "trial" as far as friendship is unconcerned. I don't like that sort of arrogance/presumptuousness.

Maybe I would just talk about casual things in your subsequent letters. Forget all the drama.

It's phony...but it's the way most people are. It's the neurotypical way of relating. People are afraid of intensity in friendship which makes them have to "look into themselves." That's why people like to talk about casual things.

Look for other friends as well

Thanks, Kraftie. There are things, I don´t get, but I made an effort to say my things as shortly, without drama, as neutral as possible and underline the good times in their company and my trust in them. The neighbor went through it to secure, that it was neutral enough and positive enough. He actually didn´t think it was a good idea. Maybe I should have presented my thoughts in smaller portions instead of a long letter,- but that would have meant, that I should have accepted things longer and remembered what I had to say - forming it as we went along. That is too big a project.
Well, it´s done. Let`s see, if I ever hear from them again.
The situation has risen a lot of old anger over having been made "wrong" a lot of times in my life - even in my family. I have a real underdog history, because I didn´t find a positive self image until 1½ year ago.
I have some steamy anger to let out, but I don´t think, it seeped through in the letter.That would have been inappropriate.

Hello Jensen,

Sorry to hear about your experience with these people, but as Kraftkortie says, the majority of neurotypicals are afraid of situations in which they might have to examine their conscience and thus be confronted with some unpalatable truths about themselves. Self-knowledge is a quality that they lack. The absence of depth and substance in most neurotypical relationships is something that I have also always found frustrating and disappointing - which is why I prefer the company of Aspies.

Friendship isn't a 'trial', it's a two-way relationship in which both parties have to give and take. It sounds like you've been doing all the giving while they just take.

Try and find some more genuine friends.

"Being on trial". It was his wife, who lead the word, - and I think, it was strategic. She didn´t look as though she meant it, and I think, she tried to build a bridge, so her husband, my old friend wouldn´t shut me off completely. I think he is shutting off too many people because of his trauma - but he doesn´t want to talk about emotions - because he is too sensitive. When he shuts the door - he shuts it for good. It´s isolating them. They are seeing a few friends now - and her mother. That´s about it.

Perhaps I should have let things be and have given it a chance, played the role, but all the suppressed frustration flew up.
I do hope to hear from them somehow. I´ll just have to wait.
Thanks for your answers. It´s good to have a place to discuss things like this.

Trust me....if they need you for something, they'll come calling.

Many friendships are based on practical needs.

Most people feel more comfortable about borrowing a cup of sugar than talking about "feelings."

You´re probably right. I´ll just wait. Thank you.