How do I support my NT partner?

Post Reply New Topic

Hi, My name's Vicky and i'm 31 from England and this is my first ever planet wrong post so bare with me . My gf and I discovered that I might have Aspergic at Christmas after a long period of difficult communication issues. She was the one that figured it out as I have told her a lot of things that I do that I considered 'normal' but to her, wasn't. I am currently getting a referral but we are 99% sure that I have Aspergers.

It's been 2 months since we figured it out and things have got better. She doesn't get angry at me, just hurt at the situation. Every weekend, I say something insensitive and even though I don't mean to or I don't realise i've done it, she gets very hurt and her neuroses kicks in and we have a huge big upset all the time. She can't help being hurt and reacting the way that she does, any more than I can help saying it in the first place. When she gets hurt and upset, I get hurt and upset that I have hurt and upset her. It's just crazy and it's taking away the joy.

She doesn't blame me and she is so understanding and wonderful but there are so many things that I just can't understand. I can't empathise with her. Even though I can empathise with the entire world and go out of my way to help a total stranger, I can't understand why my gf is so upset at what I've said or how she feels. When we talk about it, I go into my 'bubble' in which I am pretty much erased and childlike for sometimes hours or a day depending how severe. This means she has to put her feelings on hold until I am able to talk about things again which is very difficult for her as she likes to over analyse and talk things though.

She also desires a lot of close time and verbal support when she's hurt and feeling venerable where as the last thing I want to do is cuddle, have eye contact, be touched or touch someone else and I find it very difficult to form a sentence let alone tell her verbal support especially when I don't feel i've done anything wrong.

Currently, she's really hurt at the situation and when she sees me, she wants close time and I often fail to deliver that. We have come up with some solutions like having 'close time' when we are at her house and 'practical time' when we are at mine so I can get distracted and move from 1 thing to the next. But she's told me today that she is wiped out. She's so exhausted by supporting me and explaining everything to me, and breaking down the reasons why she's upset to me that she just can't do it anymore. She can't just be upset because I get too upset and she can't feel vulnerable as I can't give her the physical and verbal support she needs when it directly involves me.

She suggested I talk to my friends about how to support her when she's upset but I don't think they'd understand the stance I am coming from. So I am asking you lovely people who I can relate to.

How do I support my beautiful NT girlfriend and make her feel loved, valued, supported and that it's ok to be upset even if I don't understand why, don't want to touch and can barely speak during her being hurt? It's ruining our relationship and I don't know what to do.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Vicky

The first thing you should do is BE THERE for your partner, rather than splitting (leaving her).

I, myself, don't like people blatantly "sympathizing/empathizing" with me when I'm upset. I just like the person to listen to all the crap that I want to say--which might have NOTHING to do with what's troubling me.

You don't have to pull the "poor baby" thing all the time. All you have to do is BE THERE. Support her in a practical sense. Make sure you fulfill your personal responsibilities, and not have to rely on her too much.

And never, never, invalidate her, and tell her that concerns should not be "concerns."

Hi Kraftie,

That's good advice thank-you. She does tell me quite often that I make her concerns feel invalid because I say that I didn't mean it like that and make her feel like she shouldn't be upset as I didn't mean to do it.

I do try and support her in the ways I can. I think we are just struggling because we only found out 2 months ago. I am going to hurt her continuously but it's never ever on purpose and I think we are both in a state of mourning.

Hearing that I need to let her be upset and let her feel valid in her upsets from someone else does help actually as she's been saying that to me. I am trying. It's just hard as I don't understand.

Thank-you though. I appreciate your input a lot