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Asperger96
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12 Mar 2015, 9:02 pm

So, a little while ago, I met a sweet, cute woman in my social anxiety group. We really get along, and she had asked for my number. I gave her my number, and she texted me the next day. :-)
We had plans for Sunday last week, but she had to cancel because the weather in our area was very dangerous, though she expressed desire for us to hang out.
We did manage to hang out over the weekend! We went to the science center and had loads of fun. We even squeezed into a photo booth and took pictures together. I was dissapointed when it had to end, but I gave her a hug goodbye.
I'm not used to this, so I don't know how long I was supposed to wait before texting her, but I didn't have to worry, because she texted me back as soon as she got home :-)
The next day I texted her one of the pictures from the photo booth we took, and commented that she looked pretty cute. (Her response: Thanks :-) )
Something my friend pointed out as a good sign: Last week she said she couldn't go to group that week because she had a family function. I responded that it was too bad, because I liked it when she's there. We then texted back just a couple more times before the conversation ended (she had the last text, I know I should try to restrain myself and not text *endlessly*. But two hours later, she responded back "I like it when you're there too."
That was not the last text I had sent to her, my friend said that meant she had gone back and reread our texts at least once.
We hung out again the other night, had dinner with a couple from the group. I regret this, because it wasn't an intimate dinner like I had wanted; to her it was just our same SA group at a different venue (because it was the same night we usually go to group, and it was implied that the meeting had just been moved.)
I've been smiling, making eye contact; I just don't know if she is interested in me. My friend originally thought she was, now they maybe she does have an interest but is a bit guarded, or that she might just be trying to make friends.
If I can't date this girl, though, I can't be her friend. I've made that mistake before, of being in a one-way relationship, and it took so much wind out of me. That part of my life is over, and I don't want to deal with that again: the pain, the pining, the foolish hope, etc.
I hope that doesn't make me a jerk, and if she isn't interested, I don't want her to be upset when I stop hanging out with her.
I do want things to work out, though. I just can't tell if shes interested romantically or not. People say to just be blunt and ask outright if there is any attraction, but I don't feel confident doing that. I'm going through allot of turmoil in my life right now. If this works out, it will help me immensely. If it doesn't work out, any stability I had left is gone. I have ALLOT riding on this...



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12 Mar 2015, 9:26 pm

Hi,
Good story ... It seems that she does at least like you a little bit. I don't want to say she's interested in you, mainly because I don't want to give you the wrong info, just in case... The only thing you can do, really, is wait. Try to know her as much as you can, and you can try to make subtile signs to show her that you're slightly into her. Also when she really admires you, it might show if you're aware. So maybe ask her then. Anyway... I wish you the best of luck, for both of you


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biostructure
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12 Mar 2015, 10:25 pm

I can't judge without having seen her with you whether she is interested as a date or just as a friend, and even if I HAD seen the two of you together, I wouldn't know.

In my experience, when I've had doubts about someone's romantic interest to the point where I really dreaded rejection, every one of those times that I found out how the girl actually felt, it turned out there was no interest there. I know that's not everyone's experience, but I'd attribute that to several things. For one, I am probably not that good at hiding my own romantic interest (not that I really try). This means that the socially sophisticated girls who like me don't feel they have to hide their own interest. And also, most of the girls who have liked me were socially awkward themselves, and therefore quite obvious in their interest. Finally, attraction has rarely been mutual for me, and so the few times when a girl was really interested, I didn't reciprocate as strongly as she advanced, if that makes any sense.

I wanted to comment on something else, though--the part where you desperately need her to want you. Particularly this part:
"I'm going through allot of turmoil in my life right now. If this works out, it will help me immensely. If it doesn't work out, any stability I had left is gone."

It's one thing if you were just desperate to experience the excitement of romance--many of us aspies are in that position--but here it sounds as though you're looking for someone who will "fix your life" for you. A romantic relationship will "fix" a lack of romance and physical intimacy, but if a romantic partner is the only stability you have in life (before you even really know each other), that sounds like a recipe for an unhealthy relationship.



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12 Mar 2015, 10:40 pm

I couldn't tell you for sure, because I wasn't there, but it sounds like she is, or at least was interested. The whole group thing isn't always a bad sign. In your case, it just sounds like a normal outing to me.

I would just ask her on a date (somewhere where you can be alone with her), if she agrees, then you should be fine. If she insists on bringing other people, then this might be an issue.



AngelRho
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13 Mar 2015, 1:09 am

Here's my take on whether she's interested…

First, if you have to ask, the answer is NO!

Second, and more importantly, no, she's NOT interested in you. She's interested in how she feels when she's around you. Make every effort you can to make her feel special, and you'll end up talking and hanging out for hours.

And when you talk and hang out for hours, eventually you stop talking…

Best of luck to you. Keep us updated!



Asperger96
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13 Mar 2015, 10:47 am

AngelRho wrote:
Here's my take on whether she's interested…

First, if you have to ask, the answer is NO!


Umm... Not in my experience.

In MY experience, when a girl was interested in me, I had no clue until someone pointed it out and made it clear. Even if I were interested in *her*, I couldn't realize she were interested in me until a friend points out her body language, nervousness, flirtatiousness, etc.



Asperger96
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13 Mar 2015, 11:01 am

SilverStar wrote:
I couldn't tell you for sure, because I wasn't there, but it sounds like she is, or at least was interested. The whole group thing isn't always a bad sign. In your case, it just sounds like a normal outing to me.

I would just ask her on a date (somewhere where you can be alone with her), if she agrees, then you should be fine. If she insists on bringing other people, then this might be an issue.


We were alone together at the science center.

The restaurant was a mistake on mine and My friends part. We made plans to have dinner together while at the science center, but the friend who runs our anxiety group thought it'd be less intimidating for me if she tagged along with her signifigant other. It was the same day as our group, and the circumstances led the girl to believe it was just another anxiety meeting, just with the location moved to a different restaurant (one where this girl suggested to me twice that we should go to)

So, this girl definitly does not have a problem spending alone time with me. We're talking about going out again sometime next week, just the two of us.



AngelRho
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13 Mar 2015, 12:25 pm

Asperger96 wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
Here's my take on whether she's interested…

First, if you have to ask, the answer is NO!


Umm... Not in my experience.

In MY experience, when a girl was interested in me, I had no clue until someone pointed it out and made it clear. Even if I were interested in *her*, I couldn't realize she were interested in me until a friend points out her body language, nervousness, flirtatiousness, etc.

It's just a way of playing it safe. I've always had the same problem…with the possible difference being that whoever "she" was, she was rarely ever interested.

However, that's where my second point comes in. People are motivated by self-interest, and they want to feel special or important. To get someone to be interested in you, you have to be interested in them and their interests first. That's why I said she's not interested in you, but rather the way she feels when she's around you.



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13 Mar 2015, 4:27 pm

Asperger96 wrote:
So, this girl definitly does not have a problem spending alone time with me. We're talking about going out again sometime next week, just the two of us.


This sounds good so far. When someone makes an effort to spend time with you, this shows that they at least like you, and enjoy being around you. Now all you have to do is figure out if this interest is just friendly, or if it's romantic. :D



Asperger96
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17 Mar 2015, 4:23 pm

We're going out this weekend. We're going to shop a little, probably grab a bite to eat, and take a walk through the park.



AngelRho
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17 Mar 2015, 4:57 pm

Asperger96 wrote:
We're going out this weekend. We're going to shop a little, probably grab a bite to eat, and take a walk through the park.

You da man! :cheers:



Asperger96
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23 Mar 2015, 6:31 pm

So, the night before I want out with this girl my friend texted her. and told her that I was interested in her (my friend will be crucified, by the way), and asked her if there was a mutual attraction.

The girl didn't confirm or deny any attraction or interest, but just said that she has to focus on school and doesn't have time for a full time boyfriend (which I recall her saying before, in our group).

She mentioned that she isn't good at reading people and talking about relationship stuff. I know she's shy, and she isn't seeing anyone right now. She was also worried that I wouldn't still go out with her.

My friend also mentioned to her that I have Aspergers, which really upset me. However, she already knew about Aspergers (not that I had it, though), and it actually raised her opinion of me. Not only does this girl not mind that I have Aspergers, she actually LIKES it! (Which only makes it more upsetting that she doesn't want to go out :-( )

So Saturday we still went out. He didn't bring up what my friend said (I don't think she knows my friend went back and relayed what was said.). My friend said that she wouldn't, because she said she feels shy and awkward talking about that, and I was too uncomfortable to bring it up.

Things weren't actually awkward, though (at least no more awkward than any other social interaction involving me.). We still laughed, we smiled and made eye contact (a big deal for me), we ate lunch, and we spent the last half hour sitting next to each other on a platform just talking, laughing, and playfully bantering.

My friend told me to keep this girl, even as just a friend. Personally, I've dealt with the "unrequited love" friendship before, and I don't want to put myself through that again. My friend said that it's possible for a romance to develop (she said if this girls biggest concern is school, a summer romance is not out of the question.) I honestly don't know if there is an attraction or if she just wants a friend to hang out with.



kraftiekortie
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23 Mar 2015, 6:34 pm

I would continue hanging out with her, if I were you. She understands and accepts Asperger's. Maybe she has Aspergian traits herself.

Have you found out what she's majoring in?



Asperger96
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23 Mar 2015, 7:11 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I would continue hanging out with her, if I were you. She understands and accepts Asperger's. Maybe she has Aspergian traits herself.

Have you found out what she's majoring in?


She has DiGeorge's Syndrome, which she says is similar to Asperger's.

She majors in Art of some sort, she likes Art, Media, Graphic Design, Art History, etc. :-)



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23 Mar 2015, 7:15 pm

Sounds pretty cool to me!

She's in college--so she's overcome much.



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23 Mar 2015, 10:08 pm

Keep doing what you're doing -- it seems to be working! And try not to put too much pressure on things to work out with this girl -- you barely know her, she barely knows you!