How would you react?

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Really what I take issue with is the objectification. My behind, Ive been told is one of my most attractive physical features, this makes it all the more demeaning when a man touches it without my consent; also it's mostly older men who do this, it makes me think that they pick up on something I'm non verbally communicating. It is a bit messed up, but there are times that I think that having the option of hiding under a burqa would be nice... not the religious stuff, just the invisibility aspect.

It's all dehumanising, and I know the best way to deal with it, is to fight it, I'd like to take a break from fighting though, I'm tired of fighting every objectification attempt. You know? Just leave me be, can I just exist without harassment? Can I be a person first? And an idiot with a nice bum second? I'd settle for that! IDK if it's a female neurodiverse thing to feel many levels of not being equal.

I don't know what I'd do but I would hate that. I probably wouldn't say anything out of shock but then next day be very angry and want to slap him. That's so bad!!

I had a similar experience once with an honorary uncle, although he didn't see it this way I guess. He arrived for a weekend summer visit and I hugged him hello and he grabbed my ass. It was embarrassing and awkward. I pulled away and he hasn't done the like since. That was 2 years ago and I probably will never mention it. Sometimes people do stupid things.

In your situation, Amity, I'm not sure if I would deal directly with him or discuss the matter with his wife, or neither. Tricky .... I suspect hat you are not the first he has been inappropriate with, so his wife may have had to deal with this before. I think you indicated that it is her feelings you are concerned for ... so maybe follow her lead and see if she's open to talking about it, even if only in a joking way.

Attempt this with me and you will get yelled/ hissed at immediately, I would not tolerate this in the least.

I decided to avoid dealing with this directly, not a very healthy approach, I know, but I enjoyed the remainder of my holiday without interpersonal dramas, I decided that would be more personally beneficial. I didn't want to deal with the hassle of it, or limit the benefits of my short break.
Had this been a stranger, my reaction would of been clear cut... Very vocally unhappy, not caring about making a scene. Its the family connection that complicates matters, the social relationships that are significant placed me in a lose lose position, I valued them enough to be quiet and to rationalise an 'it's only skin' outlook. But, he was secure enough in his inappropriate mannerisms to not consider the interpersonal implications and that is a problem larger than this example which must impact on his wife and family, a can of worms which I did not want to open.

Leaving cans of worms and balls of wax in place is usually a good idea and more likely than not leaves this problem to be dealt with by women who are in the habit of spanking guys. Sooner or later that dude will get repaid for this out-of-place stupidity by a lady with a faster arm.

I say let the butterfly effect traverse the globe and swiftly repay the requisite rear.

Sidenote: girls slapping my butt connotes hilarity in my experience. >.>

I know I have rationalised avoidance, and I dont like that I have done that. I understood this situation on a few levels, there was no harm intended, and this chap is generally polite, BUT I think in a familiar situation, he was too comfortable being himself and did not consider that his actions were inappropriate.
Perhaps he will experience a lady with a faster arm, or perhaps this will allow his wife to validly discuss things with him, I dont know. That is a downside to avoidance, there isnt closure in the same way as overt action. Im okay with that too.

Cberg, the role reversal aspect/treating men as a piece of meat can be absurdly comedic, like Queens video for 'I want to break free'.

I'm with starkid. This is not acceptable, family or strangers or alien space beings. It's just not on, and to try to be more diplomatic just because it's not a complete stranger is exactly what perpetuates the belief that "It's all okay."

The priority here is that it's not okay no matter who does it. Be firm and don't even take the person aside privately, say it out loud in front of others that it wasn't appropriate, you don't like it and please do not ever do that again. Private taking-aside and having a diplomatic word without witnesses doesn't efffectively call attention to your intention not to tolerate it.

This may be true, but I disagree that it's the priority. I think the relationship with his wife is more important.

I would yell "Ej!"(polish version of angry, surprised "Hey!") and instinctively jump off. Then look him straight into eyes with my long, angry staaaaare, trying to send silent message of "What the hell do you think you are doing? Try it again and I won't be that nice anymore." while thinking "What the hell is wrong with him? Is he nuts? Why would he do it?".

I am just worn out with bullology, yes it was wrong and ignoring it is messed up; I would like to have regular priorities, but I don't. The sh*t storm I avoided allowed me to have the relatively restful break I needed, and now Im back to dealing with some difficult realities I'm glad that I ignored it.

In the moment I did not know how to react, I was shocked and words failed me, I did give him a long cold stare, but I doubt it communicated how inapropriate his actions were.

I know his wife recognised it as wrong, noticed how quiet I became and that I went to bed early. Perhaps both of us have enabled a reocurrance of this behaviour, or she might have had the ideal example to highlight. I did pass up the opportunity for action because I did not want to deal with the awkward follow up.

Amity,

I don't think you should feel bad about how you decided to deal with the situation. This was an invasion of *your* personal space and a touch to *your* body. How *you* want to deal with it is up to *you.*

Yes, the behavior is wrong and should not be tolerated. But, I think everyone there knew it. I am more dismayed at everyone else just putting up with it and not vocally coming to your defense when it happened. I also understand that they may also have experienced the stunned silence because they were shocked by the sudden behavior.

It's not like this wasn't done in full view of everyone and must get reported. No one has to be informed of some inappropriate behavior because they all saw it. You have no personal duty to stop this guy from doing anything like this in the future - everyone in the room who saw it has that same responsibility of addressing the behavior.

If you choose not to bring it up because you feel that it is better for family relations to let it lie, then that's *your* decision. Don't let anyone deride you for it.

Thanks nerdygirl,
I posted about it because I didn't know how to react, no one else reacted, so there wasn't even an immediate gauge, it was like I imagined it!
I don't feel too bad about how I avoided dealing it, it was the best option for me within the context of all the other stuff going on in my life.
Generally unwanted arse smacking is a female experience, so this thread was my gauge for a more regular reaction and it helped me to figure out why I went quietly to bed, instead of my standard jump out of my skin and squeal response to uninvited physical contact.
Such a small physical action, created much confusion for me, and there wasn't anyone I could talk to about it, without involving his wife. Anyways it's all behind me now, I have other things to deal with . Eh, some drollness, lol.

Hold on just a minute -- NOBODY on this thread "derided" Amity for her reaction.

Speaking for myself, I stated how I feel about this kind of thing. That's not expressing "derision" for what Amity did instead of what I feel should have been done. That's just saying what I personally feel should have been done - there's a difference.

I can still believe this situation ideally required a response that was not what she gave it, while not beating her up about it. I never beat her up, I just said what I think would have been the thing to do -- and that was in fact the question.

Amity, you ASKED for people's "reactions" on this thread yet now you are getting defensive about what you did or did not do.

Nobody "derided" you here.

I just feel very strongly that not reacting to this BS crap from men is how and why they go right on ahead and keep thinking it's acceptable.

That's not deriding you for it or trying to "make you feel bad" -- nobody on this thread is trying to make you feel bad about what you did or did not do. That's just giving my opinion on the big picture going on here, because this is a wider issue.

Screw it. Next time someone asks for input I won't even bother offering my take on things.

The problem is, this might seem like "just a small action" to you, but it's part of the general crap men still subject women to, which trivializes us in ways both small and big. And letting it go lets it go on, to coin a phrase.

Last edited by BirdInFlight on 03 Apr 2015, 8:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

How am I getting defensive Birdie?