Living Alone

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I have lived alone for 9 yrs. I only have my mother to help me. She has helped me when my car broke down and I need a ride, took care of my animals when I was in the hospital and helped me clean my house. She may die this year and I do not know how I will get by without her. She is the only person I talk to on the phone. I think I might be completely alone soon. Who will be there to care about me the way she does? How can I be so alone in a world with millions of people ? My AS has led me to be very alone. I like living alone but I do not like not having anyone to help me out or care about me. I have thought about suicide when my mother dies because I just can not imagine how I will manage things completely alone. Is this a normal way to think in my situation?

I am four years younger than you, and my parents are old too. But unlike you I have been thinking about what I will do when they die. I am currently fighting with my mom about me moving to Oregon and living off grid in the woods (on land I will own). She says, you have everything you need here, why move? I said, well what happens when you and dad are gone? She shrugs it off. She has never planned for anything her whole life. Whatever happens happens, que sera sera, that's her motto, and it drives me nuts. Every positive move I have ever done as an adult has been fought by her. I don't want to be old and suddenly be without my parents.

Anyway, I can understand why you'd think of suicide, especially if you will be homeless.

The best thing to do is make sure you find someone to talk to about your feelings. Whether they are a therapist or some kind of acquaintance. I understand the thoughts you are having and have them from time to time myself, but the best thing to do is get help, and that starts by talking to someone.

You can send me a PM. Your situation is like one of my younger relative whose dad is very old and he has no one but his dad for support. We are in good terms with each other and I provide him mental support (through phone calls and emails) whenever he needs. Although I am younger than you, I think there is not much of an age gap and we can share emails. When you feel extremely alone/sad/frustrated and need someone to talk to, you can write to me. Otherwise, I would suggest you to make friends with other aspies in this forum and exchange mails with them. In the absence of your mother, you have to have someone who can help you. Communication is the key. you should not feel alone. All the best.

I know how you feel.
I've been living alone since I got out of college (since age 22), but my father has always lived not very far away, and every time something happens, like if my car breaks down he loans me his, when something breaks in my apartment he's there to help me fix it, or deal with the people who come and fix things, when I go crazy with paperwork or other stuff he's always there for me to help. When I get sick he comes over and brings me what I need. Basically he's always there for me, and I'm terrified about imagining what will happen the day he won't be around. Sadly my sister lives 800Km, so that is far, and my mom (parents separated) just doesn't cares about us that much and she lives far away. I live in France BTW.
I also lived in the USA for a couple of years, I lived alone in L.A, but I always had my grandmother and my aunts living not far in cases something happened, like broken car, being ill, and helping me out with stuff I simply couldn't manage or being there when I had meltdowns and stuff.

I'm fifty-nine now. I lived with my mother until three years ago when she had to go into a nursing home. She's since passed away.

I don't mind living alone. I'm not lonely but I do miss her (which is not the same thing). I have a friend who will drive me if I really have to be somewhere (I never learned how) but I don't like to impose. Fortunately I can do most things locally or online.

I inherited the house so I don't have to worry about accommodation. The hard part comes when something goes wrong and I need a tradesman. It's still hard for me to pick up the phone and talk to someone - even someone I know - and then there's the matter of actually having them in the house and the disruption to my heavily regimented lifestyle.

I worry about what will happen when I can't take care of myself anymore and have thought about suicide before I'm taken to some retirement place but I'm not ready for that yet and I'll probably leave it too late. All those places advertise about how "friendly" they are, which is the last thing I want. I wonder if there's one that caters specifically for residents who don't want to make friends with each other.

I am currently living at home and am very concerned about this and how I will feel if I am eventually forced to live alone.

It's totally normal and understandable to think that way.

Do you have any neighbors you might feel comfortable getting to know? Someone who would be willing to give you a ride if you need one, or take care of your animals and keep an eye on your place if you're not at home? Someone who might be willing to check on you from time to time just to see if you're okay?

I'm 64 and my dad died 2 years ago. I have my step mother and two step brothers. All are like family. My step mother is 76 and I worry about losing her. My brothers are there for me when I need them. I too have thought about suicide if I'm ever left alone. I've lived alone over 40 years. But, that isn't the same as being alone in the world. I'm posting this so you know you aren't alone in these concerns and feelings. I don't really have solutions, but hopefully you will feel less alone now...

I have lived alone for almost 20 years. I am estranged from all of my family and have not talked to them in many years. So, yes I have been all alone in the world for a long time now. I can only pray that something bad does not happen to me because then there is literally no one in the world to help me.

I don't know if I want to go back to living alone again. I did it for years and only became a drug addicted alcoholic suicidal addict. I'm in transitional housing now. If that doesn't work out I'll just go back to living in my car. At least I was around people when I went for walks around Greenlake.

I've been living alone for years as my parents and siblings live in a foreign country. It's been really hard for me because I can't drive and no one is helping me with transport or with problems in general. My quality of life is very poor as a result. Not only that but also the feeling of not being cared about at all by anyone around me makes me feel depressed. At least I'm getting used to it.

Your concern is valid of course. If you have your own financial support then at least you won't have that problem on top of the social one.

I guess there's nothing for it but to redouble your efforts to create bonds with other people. That'll be a lot of hard work. I'd look for shared interests (essential for bonding). I'd also be very careful who I reached out to and trusted, which slows down my social progress a lot, but health and safety is an issue. And I like to think I'd occasionally ask myself what I'd done to make friends. It's easy to forget all about the subject as long as you're getting enough from your caregiver. Maybe you can get your mother to help you towards social independence. Instead of just bailing you out of a mess, she might also be able to teach you how to bail yourself out of it. Is she aware that you're concerned about the future? Is she herself concerned about it?

I know you've only mentioned practical help, not emotional bonds, but in my experience people only really help me when they like me, unless they're paid for it, and even then a lot still seems to depend on my establishing some kind of positive emotional contact with them.

Meanwhile you'll at least have WP and whatever other good online social / support things you can find. It's not a perfect substitute for real-life social stuff for most people, but it's a million times better than nothing, and it's propped me up a lot during my wilderness phases. I tend to view online social things almost as a training ground, because it challenges me with many the same problems I get in "real life" while giving me more time to think. After a good session here I often find myself brighter and more articulate with local people.

You've told us about your need to feel there's somebody there to look after you, but you haven't mentioned wanting to look after them, so I don't know how you feel about that. Obviously, without that mutual thing going on, it's not likely to work out. A parent is usually a very unusual kind of friend to their children, instinctively putting their own needs last, and I doubt that you'll get that again. A good counsellor might get somewhere close to it, because counselling and therapy is all about the client, so it's worth taking a look at that, but good counsellors aren't all that common, so you might have to sample quite a few of them before you find the right one for you.

I understand your worries and fears. I live with a partner, my mother has passed away, and if he dies before me,
or we break up, I have great fears of managing life alone. But, the reality is that at certain times of our life, we
WILL be alone, so we had better face up to it.

First, get your money in order. Start a dedicated savings account and do a weekly budget if you do not already
to get used to living within your means. Search out places you might live, close to shopping, library, on bus
line, etc.

Also, get out and about. NOT to make friends as such, but to prove that you can. Join a book club, take
a German class, take a dance class. Find a few things that you love to do, and that you do well. It does not
matter what. Gardening. Canaries. You name it, there will be a group of others who love it too. This will
demonstrate to you that you CAN get around, that there are others (even aspies!) who share your tastes.

I myself attend a Buddhist church here. It's a friendly and supportive place to be.

Read. As long as you have a library card, you are not alone, you have access to books, music, movies. I know
I know, I know how hard it is to enjoy life alone and wake up each day at ease and happy and energetic.

Take good care of yourself, eat well, (no junk food, no fast food) and work out daily, even if it's just
a walk. Get a dog and walk him daily. That alone will bring some stress reduction into your life.

And, you can always talk to the rest of us here, most of whom are in the same boat, or have been, or
know they will be.

Alice
Oceanside, California

I think it's normal.

I've thought about committing suicide if i become feeble and can't take care of myself.

There must be ways to ameliorate the problem. Does your car insurance cover rentals? Do you have AAA? Maybe a more reliable vehicle is needed.

Hm put away money, if you haven't already. Make friends or even just casual acquaintances who can help out or check on you from time to time.

ETa: I'm also here if you want to email/pm.

I have considered a second car. One of my problems is someone to take care of my animals if I have to be gone for more then a day. Money is tight sometimes so being able to take my dog to a dog motel is costly.