How do you handle a firing gracefully? A suspected firing?

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TL;DR I got 'laid off' unexpectedly from a temp assignment, and my reaction to the ordeal may have made things worse with the temp agency as well. Now I am wondering if there is anything I can do to correct the situation, and how to approach things in the future. The catch is that I'm extremely paranoid.

So, I have been working for a temp agency since November. They had been getting me short, 1 week jobs, where I did completely fine. But most recently they assigned me to a longer term, 'call center' job (I did not disclose I had autism, but I did disclose I preferred backend jobs).

Surprisingly, I thought I was doing...well, not terribly, but not perfectly either. Everyone I asked said I was doing a good job, and admittedly, I was concerned and paranoid about it, because I could see I was still making mistakes once in a while. This concern hit a high point when one day, two weeks into the job, I went in to witness the other temps get training I wasn't, and spent the rest of the way worried I'd be fired. Aside from some mentions of 'oh no, I could be fired,' to the other temp workers, I didn't mention it, and continued to do my job.

It turns out my suspicions were correct, they told me 'my assignment had ended' at the end of the day. This is obviously some sort of code-word in the temp realm for fired/laid off etc, but I don't know what the implications are. And because I was so hyped up about it, I made a bit of a scene (though I might have made a bit of a scene anyway.) I didn't yell, scream, or collapse to the floor in what you would consider a full autistic meltdown. Instead, I believe I said something like 'I was fired, I WAS fired, oh no oh no,' to the coworkers. I had a slightly panicked voice, but I somewhat held my composure considering my AS/Anxiety problems. NT people sometimes interpret my body language and tone of voice as something it's not, from the outside it may have looked differently. I did my best to isolate myself as soon as possible. After I talked more privately with them, there was a lot of crying and apologizing involved, for 'not being good enough.'

The 'official' note is that I'd been 'laid off.' I called the temp agency to confirm that they did not ask for a replacement, and that the performance issues 'weren't too bad and they would still hire me for backend jobs.' They gave me my feedback. Being an Aspie, I felt I couldn't take these words at face value. Is it honesty, or are they telling me this to get me off their back, expecting me to read between the lines and know they won't? So I spend time wondering, are they telling the truth? Are they REALLY telling the truth, so I call back a second time. After the second time I am convinced.

Until I send in my 'availability' message and don't receive a confirmation two days later. So I wanted to call and confirm I was still employed, try to dispute any issues, but it came out a garbled mess of what I was worried about and what happened at the temp agency. The temp agent said it was more concerning that I was 'spending too much time on this' had 'called back 3 times in an hour' (I later told him it was two, the receptionist told me to hang up and call back the first time, then i waited an hour for him to get out of his meeting, and decided to wait for him to call back.) Also told me that 'temp agencies are just a backup, your primary source of employment should be something you get yourself. But we'll put you on the available list.'

All valid points, but should I take them at face value? I'm afraid to. I wish people were just blunt and honest! Then I wouldn't have to feel so paranoid!

And now I'm concerned because of my 'concerning' behavior that I'm REALLY out of the running now. They want their temps to be 'the most professional people.' And this behavior isn't professional. I know, but I'm often pretty consumed by anxiety that I can't control, and it makes me act in ways that aren't professional. So now I feel like even though they said they'd put me on available...they won't, really.

I gave him an immediate no when he asked if he believed I handled the incident professionally. Asked if they had resources to help me improve, etc. (he said no, and he kind of wanted to end the conversation there.) But I also let it slip that I was fired from a job that was similar, in the context that it's the reason I was worried, and won't happen at the kind of jobs I actually ask for.

I can tell I come off paranoid too. That's the problem. I'm a paranoid person. How do I get rid of and suppress all of the anxiety, paranoia, and low EQ, and behave professionally in a 'graceful' way in a future firing/layoff? What kind of position am I actually in right now with this temp agency? How do I understand the temp agency 'codewords?' If I'm no longer being considered, will they SAY that? And if I don't, if I continue to believe I still work for the temp agency, I send out my resume as 'current worker,' and they say 'oh no she's not, we fired her,' after telling me I was still employed, will that impact me?

Can I fix anything with the temp agency at this point by disclosing? Hell, maybe disclosing a comorbid anxiety disorder? Is it too late?

Sorry for double posting. (And sorry for fixating, too!)

I did a little bit of research. No matter what happens, I assume that unless I receive a notice that I am fired, at least I am still employed at the temp agency, and they will say as much. They might give me a runaround, and never hire me out, but I can claim to be employed on my resume. I might not disclose in the future, but I might tell future employers/agencies something like "If an issue arises, I would prefer to be told in a honest and blunt manner, either verbally or in writing. Sometimes it's difficult to read 'non-verbal' signals."

I would still like advice on how to act professional and not break down if something happens in the future. Some tricks to avoid fixating would also be helpful.

Hi FlamingAmanaka,

I think the best way to avoid breaking down in the future is to rehearse. I don't think any Aspie takes stress well, especially when the situation involves confusing communication. For me, before every half year review, I rehearse before hand how I will act if I were to get a bad review. For every interview I would review how I would act if I were to made a mistake during the interview or say something stupid. If I don't do this, I will be oversensitive to any signals during the review/interview, panic, and shutdown or act otherwise in a way that is not especially graceful. I feel like you should do the same for job hirings.

For the content of your rehearsal, I think the core foundation of it should be based on Stanford Professor, Carol Dweck's "Mindset" book. To summarize, the book says that there are two types of mindsets - growth (good) and fixed (bad). The fixed mindset believes that intelligence and abilities are not very changeable, and when they meet failures, they consistently blame it on their lack of ability. The growth mindset believes that intelligence and abilities are highly variable over time and can significantly improve with practice. Therefore, a failure is a good thing - when you fail you learn and you grow. Therefore, when I have a bad or mediocre review, I thank the reviewer for providing the feedback so I can learn further. When you get fired, you should considerately take in their feedback and thank them for it and tell them that you will improve in the future. People are likely to take this positively, and you are likely to maximize your chance of retaining your position.

However, I don't think any of this is due to non-verbal signals; although if you disagree please tell me if you still think that it is the case and we can discuss. I really doubt an NT could have picked up anything that you would have in terms of non-verbal signals - I mean maybe, but any benefit is marginal. If an NT was in the same position, they would also be worried about whether the agency would call them again, or whether hey are on the available list. I don't know the nuances of your situation, but I think generally you should take the good side of people and just trust them, rather than doubt their word - people do try to keep their word generally in professional situations. I know this isn't always the case, but I feel like unless you have good reasons to think someone is lying then just trust them. I think the more critical issue here is the paranoia and anxiety like you have mentioned; which may have affected their final decision on what to do with you.

Nevertheless, if you want clear clarification, you can just send an email. Don't focus too much on apologizing profusely. Just say something like "Hi, thank you for taking the time to speak to me the other day in regards to my temp role. I apologize if I acted without composure that day and I will act with professionally in future situations. I would like to be placed on "available" if possible, going forward. I will understand if you have any issues or concerns - but please let me know if this is the case."

This is some good advice. I'll try, but I often don't know what to say, or how I should say it. Plus, a performance review isn't really applicable. All feedback 'seemed' fine. I even asked what I could do to improve, same day, over the company IM program Lync (to no response). Temps are disposable. If you screw up, or even if you're just 'not good enough,' you're gone. Generally I'm...okay-ish with situations similar to performance reviews, I've experienced them in volunteer situations. There, the idea is that they're letting you know ahead of time so you can fix the problem. When someone lets you know OUTSIDE of a performance review, you don't have that reassurance. In my experience, when that happens, you're already close to fired.

I will copy-paste the email suggestion you gave at the end of the reply, word for word, and email them with that.

Anyway, if I were to follow through on rehearsing (I might need to do that with the temp agency themselves for reasons stated later), the problem is that I would have to work through a terrible sense of dread. It's bad enough to keep me from functioning, and at best I'm left on auto-pilot feeling miserable.

I've felt this sense of dread all day. The reason is, I neglected to mention that I accidentally let it slip to the temp agency that I was fired from 'a job similar to the call center one [so I was scared all day and reacted worse than I would have in a data entry position where I've never been fired before].' I'm completely safe if I already told them about that during the initial interview, but I'm not sure I did. I'm not sure I didn't, either, because I remember telling someone. I DID tell me not to place me into call center jobs. If I didn't tell them I was fired, (I omitted the 'first call job' entirely, so I didn't lie.) I'm scared they'll call me back and say 'actually, you know what, we're terminating you from our services.'

So that's what I fear. How do I get over that before they call? And in other situations, where I feel the firing coming, but I don't know when, how do I get over the fear?


I did ask how to improve. The fact that I said 'wait, do you have any training resources online I could use to improve my professionalism' after he said 'let's end the conversation here,' might not have helped, though. I'm not sure which makes me look better, actively asking for a pointer in the right direction, or just saying 'I'll improve in the future.' Rather than coming off as 'I want to improve!' I come off as 'I desperately desperately want to improve, am I doing okay? What am I doing wrong? etc.

Either way, I do agree it's a good learning experience. Pity I doubt I worded it the right way for them.


Sorry about that. I wasn't sure how to describe what I meant. Non-verbal signals are less relevant than looking between the lines. The point I SHOULD have said there, is don't paraphrase things 'nicely,' as it may be difficult for me to gauge how serious the matter is. I would probably not word it this way, but I would have problems trusting them, if they weren't willing to be frank with me. Even moreso for subtle non-verbal signals, and sometimes tone of voice. In normal interactions, I don't have too many problems. But in a professional environment, other employees will minimize any overt signals/tone of voice, and things become more difficult for me.


My usual mindset is 'NTs alter how they say things to make them 'easier to hear' and 'more tactful.' They will say whatever is necessary to prevent/calm down a commotion, even if it's not true.' My mindset when employers start doing this is: "I get what they were trying to get at, but did they REALLY mean that? Are they just saying it to be nice? Is there something I can change? How urgent is the issue they brought up? But if another employer called up, what would they say to them?"

But I am starting to think you're right. People will do you the courtesy of getting the point across in a professional situation. If 'I'm still employed,' I'm still employed. The NT side of the internet says temp agencies will 'lead you around,' to avoid firing you, however. They don't want a firee to claim unemployment benefits. So they'll say you're employed, but won't put you on the available list even if you ask.

It's a huge concern if I was looking for further assignments from them as a crutch, less so if I just need something to fill the employment gap while I double down on my job search. (Which, did I mention how hard writing a cover letter is? Originally I relied on temp agencies because I was practically incapable of writing one.)


Yes, I am quite sure it has. Paranoia and several forms of anxiety are the greatest challenge I have right now. It won't be 'easy' for me to shut it off. The anxiety only goes away once I've resolved whatever it was that made me anxious, with no room for interpretation. The paranoia is downright intrusive and I can barely function when it strikes. Unfortunately I've been in therapy my entire life. I recently went to a therapist about anxiety, and she taught me deep breathing, muscle relaxation, etc. Another person taught me to smile, and Tumblr taught me to dissociate and imagine the anxiety as a monster. These methods all work to varying degrees, but clearly don't prevent an incident. I no longer have access to a therapist because I don't have insurance anymore, at least not immediately. (I was waiting for another call before I went back on Medicaid, but that call didn't come so I'll go back on it soon.)


I'll copy and paste this for next Monday. I'm not going to contact them for the rest of the week. Perhaps giving them that space would be best.

All I can say is that with temp agencies, the place that asked for you can let you go for any reason...or no reason at all.

I'd be more concerned if a temp agency suddenly stopped sending you to new assignments when you ask for available work.

I hate temp agencies (in the USA they are so dishonest and flooded with people wanting work), and I've been pulled off jobs just for asking for a day off because I was subpoenaed to appear in court to testify for a past employer on a bad check case.

Yeah, the layoff from the temp assingment was mostly to trim down the amount of staff. I didn't do as well so I was trimmed. Or so they said. That's over and done with. Right now I'm talking about the temp agency themselves firing me, because a former firing (as a receptionist) came to light.

I also feel very concerned they won't put me on more assignments, if they don't fire me. I became concerned about the lack of assignments when I didn't receive the normal email confirmation that I was available on time.

If it continues, and I am not placed in 3-5 weeks, is there anything I can do to rectify the situation with the temp agency?

Should I be aware of when I send the "sorry, I will be more composed and professional from now on" message? Is the timing important? The temp agency got the message that 'I was calling too much about this. I had to move on, it's in the past.' Is that NT speak for something?

My take on the situation:

Temp agencies are kind of a scam. They allow companies to hire a herd of people for less than they'd have to invest in a few well selected full time employees. Temps don't require the same size paycheck, benefits, training opportunities, or even a real interview, because they can quickly and easily be eliminated at any time without any reason. So I'm not surprised you were fired. It's my understanding that that's perfectly normal within a certain time frame.

The real problems, as I see it, are your paranoia and reactions to their actions. If they hadn't mentioned the calling too much bit, I'd say this was still easily salvageable.

Do you have any friends or staff who'd be a reference for another temp agency? If not, can you re-use the same references you used to get this job at this agency?

Do you think seeing a therapist about your feelings would help? Do you have an NT friend or family member you can talk about this stuff with if seeing a therapist would be a problem for you?

What are your career aspirations? What are you qualified to do?

I've exhausted my NT friends at this point. I can vent to them, and I have, but they can't help. None of them have this kind of experience. I can't afford a therapist in the immediate future, and they can only talk common sense into me after the fact. As I've said, I went to a therapist for anxiety recently, and I'm still having these problems. I'm aware my paranoia is the worst problem. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle it?

I'm currently enrolled in 4 temp agencies including this one, but the rest have ignored me entirely. I'll call in active to those. But no, my long term career does not involve being a temp.

Well, I'm not any kind of psych. professional, but I have to question if what you're experiencing is really paranoia, or if you're registering some signals and warning signs based on your past experiences but are unsure how to interpret and proceed because of your autism.

I have no idea what, if any medication would help.

As for exhausting your NT friends, you might need to invest a little time in those friendships without mentioning any of this stuff. Do the kind of stuff that brought you together as friends in the first place. This will be good for you and good for the friendship. You need to build that back up to a point where you can ask them questions but not have that be the only thing they hear from you.

From what I've heard from a fellow autie who worked at a few, temp agencies tend to be HR on steroids, in the sense that they view all of their employees as potential liabilities rather than assets, and base a lot of decisions based on social abilities more than other factors. That last part makes sense given the perceived nature of temp jobs.

Really, I think you should look into some less socially and politically based employment. Since I don't know much about you, I can't really suggest much.

PS: Check your PM for the few job thoughts I do have.

Hi FlamingAmanaka,

After reading your answers I actually think you have a great grip on things when you aren't in panic mode.

In fact, if you didn't have the paranoia, obsessive thoughts, anxiety, I would just simply tell you to keep trying and trying. I mean, this is your only real problem - you're actually able to size up and understand your own situation very well and it's clear that you are very intelligent. I have a feeling you have a great road to success if you can conquer this problem.

I think in the end you'll need to find your own way to conquer this, but I'll provide two avenues to try.

First is medication - someone did mention it previous, which if necessary may help. I'm not extremely fond of this method, but if your emotional issues are screwing up your life and you don't get significant side effects, I would consider it. (Of course, see a physician and what I said in no way constitutes any medical advice.)

Nevertheless I think the second avenue that I would recommend is better: Meditation. I noticed that you mentioned deep breathing and muscle relaxation. Even though meditation sounds similar, the effects are quite different. Deep breathing, muscle relaxation and meditation will all reduce your anxiety at the time that you practice it. However, I don't even think this is the most important part of meditation. In my experience, the power of meditation comes from the fact that it will significantly increase the grey matter of certain areas of your brain, especially in areas for emotional regulation.

Before I meditated, I had definitely had emotional regulation issues. I don't know if they are comparable to your problems, but I would obsess over things days at a time, become extremely sensitive and anxious over small things, and have a generally rollercoaster mood. While meditating, it actually felt like areas of my brain that I hardly ever used before were being exercised. My emotional stability is much stronger now than before - I'm sure that the major driver of this is meditation. This is well researched - a Harvard Medical School study proved that 8 weeks of meditation can significantly improve grey matter in the hippocampus, while significantly reducing grey matter in the amydala which is responsible for fear and stress. (you can google: Harvard MRI meditation).

If you think that it is weird at all to meditate, know that its no longer an esoteric hobby. It's now extraordinarily popular across Silicon Valley / Wall Street. Simply put, people now know meditation gives you a major competitive advantage in self-awareness, attention, motivation, and emotional regulation, and the business value of meditation totally overrides any reservations or doubts the practitioners may have had previously.

Good luck!!

OP,

When you believe someone doesn't want you around anymore, your natural paranoia does kick in. My first job was in fast food (I never disclosed my AS to them, as I didn't think it was necessary at the time), and for the most part, they saw me as a polite, courteous and reliable teen. However, I was also extremely arrogant egotistical and argumentative, never afraid to speak my mind. In hindsight, this gave them all the excuse in the world to get rid of me, but instead they chose a different method.

They pulled me into the office one day and said I had been caught on camera placing raw food near cooked food. (FYI this is a big no-no in the food industry, known as cross contamination) While I didn't deny it, I did find it odd that this is what they pull me up over, glossing over the multiple arguments between staff members, including myself; others stealing stock, and the fact that they themselves were harrassing me by calling me in for a shift 20 mins before it would start. For my part, I sat in a stunned silence as they gave me my marching orders. It was only later did I realize they didn't even want me there because they were just fed up with me, but rather than talk it out, they instead cut me loose.

People with ASDs usually get a rough time looking for work, as many people on this forum will attest. My current boss feels like he is on eggshells around me, while the duty managers try to micromanage everything I do. While it feels like they want rid of me, they then sing my praises of being one of the best workers there. These facades are what irritates not just me, but many of us, as we simply cannot read body language correctly.

As for the original question, if you believe you are being fired, if you haven't done anything wrong in your eyes, politely ask for their reasoning. If they give it, at least everything is out in the open. If they don't give it, majority of the time this is an indicator they just don't like you anymore. Either way, don't start crying or bawling your eyes out at them, begging them to reconsider. Accept that it has happened and thank them for the opportunity. Maintain your high ground above all else. If your manager/ boss is a complete ass, not rising to their bait is the ultimate FU to them. Keep your head high as you work your notice (if you get one), don't complain behind their back to your coworkers, and keep your paranoia in check. Who knows, you may need a reference off them in the future.

TL;DR:
- Firings happen. Find out what the reasons are, and learn from them.
- If no reasons are given, assume your personality is at fault.
- Thank your employer for the opportunity and experience, in order to leave bridges intact.
- Don't rise to any bait that could land you in any legal trouble, e.g. causing a scene, starting a fight etc.

And above all, if you feel that you were wrongly dismissed, ask for legal advice on the matter.

I will try meditation. Thanks!

I haven't heard back from the temp agency, for better or for worse, but they did just send me one of their email listing notices (hey, here is how you become more professional!)

The company I was assigned to did gave the temp agency a 'mistake' reason. But I have to wonder, when the company is so disorganized and when others made mistakes as well, if that was truly the case. It just makes me even madder, as their 'reason' would want to make me obsess more over my mistakes, not improve my personality.

I'm not argumentative. I'm dense and hard to talk to, paranoid, and sometimes I can't control my tone of voice.

While I was crying, I didn't contest the firing.

Note: I am a former hiring manager, NT, married to an aspie, and I study critical autism theory.

I agree with most of what the other posters told you.

But first I want you to take a step back and wonder what an American NT would do at a Japanese company. Even if this American had studied Japanese language and customs for years, he or she would invariably still make mistakes. The difference is that culturally, they would say, "Oh, that American..." and let lots of mistakes go. People will not do that if someone has aspie social skills. It's not right, but there it is. I think aspies should consider themselves to be in a socially dangerous environment at work. Just like women and people of color. So, you WILL make mistakes, it's not a big deal, but you need to learn to protect yourself because you are a minority.

In the future, if you get disappointing news at work or you suspect you've done something wrong, just stop, be quiet about it, and consult with an outside source. Online friends are still friends. It just takes a minute to put a problem to an online forum like this and you'll get back lots of opinions, just like you did with this posting. Then you can calmly go back with what you want to do. If you have to go outside to cry, do it. I've done it. Lots of people have. Say you have a stomach bug and need to use the bathroom for an hour.

Keep your information current at these agencies, try to let them forget this incident, and don't forget to apply in person. If you're worried that people will discriminate because of your social skills, just explain that you know you come off as awkward, and you're excited about their company. Being genuine means a lot in an interview.

And it really doesn't hurt to take a little something for your nerves. Any doctor can prescribe a very low dose Xanax, Ativan, or something similar.

Most of us have had to deal with something like this. A few years from now this will be a slightly unpleasant (or even funny) story.

Thank you for whoever suggested the meditation! After doing it every day for a few weeks, my anxiety seems to be manageable! Unpleasant as ever, but at least now it isn't all-consuming.

And I've also confirmed the temp agency hasn't put me on a 'do not hire out' list, since I managed to successfully confirm they made available this week. I think what saved me was taking initiative to fix my issues, taking their training and such. I have a non-temp job now. I'll see how that goes!

Awesome!

Great that you found meditation helpful. Yes I know what you mean, after the first few weeks, you still have anxiety, but its noticeably lower and you notice that you can control it better.

I'm really glad they placed you in a job. So its a non-temp role? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that better than what you previously had (the position that you just left when you made this post?). In any case, great job!

So my anxiety will still fall further? Awesome. Is it permanent, or do I have to keep meditating every day?

The agency didn't place me. A normal job I interviewed for outside of the agency called me back and hired me. It's a far better 'match for my skills,' yes. Right now I'm in a better situation than I was before, but I have to make sure nothing happens at this job either. Skill wise, presentation wise, or behavior wise.

Since I've never held a job longer than a month before, it's very daunting, because I'm still at the point that I expect to be fired from this too. For no reason other than I've never been able to hold a job for this long. (Logically it's unfounded. I'm actually doing quite well on the training, and I've confirmed that I can tell when the supervisor is unhappy with someone's performance. Not mine. Even so, the back of my mind keeps telling me 'I can't have nice things')