Long, confused post about AS girlfriend.

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Hi. I'm an NT male in a relationship with an AS female. We are in our forties and have been together six months. It's been great for the most part. Neither of us have felt this way about anyone before. We have an incredible connection and things were very intense for a long time. She is unlike anyone I have met before and I am very much in love. She says she is too. She says I am "the one and loves me more and more each day" and is hoping for us to be permanent. She said that as little as three weeks ago.

These last three weeks there has been a change. It's gradually progressed. She now seems to alternate between cold/distant/angry/critical/accusatory/gas lighting with moments of kind and loving. She also seem to project. She tells me I am doing the things she is doing. I have been finding it very difficult to keep up and to know what is going on. It's as if I am in a different relationship every day and am constantly thrown off balance. It's also difficult to stay patient and not react to some of the things she says. She seems to be pulling away but every now and then tells me she "loves me so, so much". What with ultimatums and threats to leave, she seems to have somehow taken all control over every aspect of the relationship. We used to be able to call and talk any time of day or night and about anything, now I seem to be having to prearrange even call on the phone and get shut down if anything becomes intimate. A few days ago she dumped me out of the blue. Just a few hours after telling me she loved me and talking of the future. Next day she called to tell loved me like crazy, was ashamed of how she acted and couldn't leave. She now wont talk to me until next weekend, which will be for half an hour, then she will tell me when we can talk again.

I'm finding all this very difficult. I just don't know where I stand. She used to be so kind, caring, loving, affectionate and keen. She pursued me. I initially said no because I wasn't looking for a relationship but she persisted, gained my trust and broke me down. Up until three weeks ago she wanted to be together all the time. She was so charming, enchanting, funny, upbeat, always laughing and giggling. We spoke of the future, made short term plans, spoke about long term plans, etc. She used to fall asleep in my arms and tell me she never knew love like this. She told me she has never trusted anyone so much. Now she seems to be exiting. Or at least pulling so far back that she is treating me like someone she just met, not someone she has been in a relationship with for six months. In fact, worse, she's treating me like cr*p these last three weeks.

What also gets me is that my ex was an exceptionally cruel woman (possible sociopath) who destroyed my then life. My girlfriend knows this. She knows the things my ex did. She knows I have been single for many years, by choice, and why. She knows it took me years to rebuild myself and my life. She broke down my barriers and I let her in completely. Before letting down each barrier I checked with that she was serious about us, that she was speaking the truth, that she was absolutely sure of us and that this is what she wanted. She also told me about her very similar and abusive ex and we both agreed that it would be indescribably cruel for either of us to repeat what our ex's did.

I trusted her and she absolutely convinced me. Now I am sat here bewildered. She even told me she is not really the person I first met. This after telling me time and time again that she was real and genuine.

I don't know what to think. For six months I have done masses of reading on AS and tried to be understanding and patient. I've let her take everything at her pace and allowed her all the time and space she needs. I've always been there for her. Always been patient. Always been reassuring. Always cared about her. This sudden change of character, near constant criticism and shut out is very hard to take. She assured me time and again that she would never do anything like that. That she hates that kind of behaviour.

I tried to talk to her a few days ago but was told to either accept the relationship on her terms or leave. There is no compromise or reasoning at all. Part of me is wondering if she wants out and is trying to get me to dump her so as to make her feel less guilty for the damage she will do to my ability to trust again.

I'm wondering if anyone here can give some insight. Is this behaviour typical of Aspergers that I should take less personally and be more patient with? I am beginning to feel like I have been played and lied to all along. I don't know how someone can go from "I love you in a way I never possible and want to spend my life with you" to being so critical, accusatory, angry and distant in three weeks.

I'm crazy about her and I don't want to quit but I don't know what is going on.

I cant imagine what you're going through. It sounds like the two of you need to talk about what's going on and if that doesn't work, you could try couples counseling.

I don't know what is going on with her but I think it's odd that she suddenly changed her tune a few weeks ago. That's a sign that something is bothering her.

To me, this is a classic situation of "pull you in, then push you out, then pull you in...etc"

This is a situation where a person "pulls you in" at his/her convenience. There is an active challenge because the "puller" doesn't know if he/she will successfully "pull" the "pull-ee." The idea is to obtain a thrill (for the "puller.")

When success is obtained, the challenge becomes moot. In light of the lack of a "challenge," this same person "pushes you away" because of the lack of a "challenge," because of boredom.

I'm curious if insecurity on her part could be driving the issue. The distancing could be a learned means of self protection for her. I know I have a hard time taking things at face value through hard experience, and tend to question relationships due to this. Just a thought...

I'm sure that insecurity plays a major part. An hour ago she ended us and told me insecurity was the reason. That along with a load of false assumptions that I wouldn't have the patience for her, that I am settling for her, that I'm only pretending that I like her looks, that I will get fed up of her, etc, etc, etc.

What's gutting is that I think the world of her and all the time in the world for her. What's between is special. Once in a lifetime special. I know how I feel about her and I know she feels the same way about me. She is ending it on things that aren't true, yet to happen and will likely never happen. I know we will both regret this decision.

Insecure? Yes... definitely. Even to the point of self-defeat. She obviously hasn't learned how to control her insecurities. The major factor as you described very well to the end of the relationship (is this or sure?).

I've so done what she has done to previous dates. Plenty of times. Why? because some people did screw me over and really did a number on my self-esteem. And part of the insecurity stems from the fact that many people treated me like I couldn't do anything right. I of course took it seriously, even when people were joking. Aspies tend to think very literal.

I know I have got the right girl now and I have had some insecure thoughts in the last couple days, but chose not to speak them out. We had a bit of an argument over her grabbing my phone out of my hand today and me taking it back while she was looking at photos. She asked for it back and i made up an answer. I then told her that since I never grab her phone from her that I don't like her doing that to me. She realized I was being serious and didn't understand why since I never mentioned it before. Maybe i didn't because I didn't know how to bring it up, but it did bother me the other times she did it. She will likely ask next time she wants to see my phone.

What was the reason for the insecurity I had, but why I didn't bring up these thoughts? She was mad at me or frustrated due to her not understanding me at that moment. I almost took it as her telling me i was wrong for doing something. Eventually I learned to just keep quiet when she is mad, or when i have bad thoughts, just to avoid any more issues.

Your relationship is kind of entering abusive territory. If she tries to come back I'd suggest to just put her on hold if not just calling it quits because the relationship has acquired a set of unhealthy patterns and it's become the norm. Even breaking contact for a while sounds like a good idea.
What she's doing isn't an aspie thing, it's an insecure, neurotic control freak thing. She is a control/reassurance black hole as she is currently.

Thanks guys.

Take control of it and end it. By pushing and pulling between affection and aggression, and yoyoing between deciding whether you're together or not, she is basically exerting control and testing and pushing the cruelty treshold, then taking the obtainment of your forgiveness as a challenge . Each time she reverts to aggression she will be as vicious as you let her be, for as long as you allow it.

Actually, it seems a constant theme between you two is her forcing her way into your barriers, rather than you putting them down for her. You seem like a soft, passive type of person , was she by any chance the initiator in your relationship?

BTW, regarding her ex, you only have her version of the facts. Think of the ways she has described you, then think back to the way she describes him.

Your boundaries don't mean much to her as she's already broken pretty much anything you've put in front of her, meaning respect is non existent, so exercise some self preservation and get her out of your life.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

There's an update. We spoke earlier and she explained. She says she loves me so much that she can no longer cope. She says she is suffocating in her feelings for me. She says she has been neglecting all her other life and she must finish us for her own survival and sanity.

She said she cannot place exactly what the thought or feeling is, all she knows is that it is too much to bear.

She told me she loves more than anyone she has ever known and that she will miss me like crazy. She apologised a few times and said goodbye. My God, they way she told me she loved me. It was with all her heart.

This is incredibly painful. That sweet woman I knew for so long came back. Showed me she was still there. Declared her love, then went. I could her her voice becoming robotic and we said goodbye. She was shutting down. I had no idea just how difficult it had been for her to maintain the relationship for as long as she did. It was almost overwhelming me so for her it must have been impossible. And that's what she said, that it was impossible for her to carry on.

The other hard thing to hear was her insist that I didn't find her good looking and that I only loved her for her morals and the fact she loved me. It's not true. She is beautiful and I loved her like crazy.Her. She could not have been anyone else. She got this idea in her head that the way we met meant she could have been anyone. She lost her trust in me because I once met a female friend in a similar manner. I forgot about that friend. I never mentioned her to my girlfriend as I hadn't spoken to her in years. She is not part of my life. My girlfriend thought how we met was pure. Once she found out I met a friend that way it was no longer pure to her. That was the trigger for the change in character. She said she loves me so, so much but we will never be.


Nothing I can say can convince her of how I truly feel. I'm devastated. How can I exist knowing how we feel about each other. How can she? That's what I would no like to ask. Is there any chance she will come out of this shutdown and change her mind. If she feels this way, will it stay? Will she be able to talk herself out of it or get rid of it?


Is there anything I can do. Any article to read. Any therapy she could have. She says she would rather she was able to continue the relationship with me but cannot get rid of the overwhelming feeling and cannot get the negative thoughts and insecurities out her head.

I don't know whether to fight for her or let her go. She said she would make contact again when she could handle it and we could be friends but if I made any contact before she would never speak to me again.

I am very sorry for what you are going through. I don't think her disposition is necessarily an autistic one, since non-autistics and autistics alike can be abusive. Only she knows what is going on in her head, and as painful as it must be to you, I think it is important to let it go since she is not good for you, whether or not she loves you. Love itself is not enough if the relationship becomes unhealthy. I have been with abusers myself and had a hard time leaving because--despite their behavior--they insisted that they loved me. If possible you might consider seeing a counselor to help with the pain of this breakup and all that you have been through. It is probably best to break off contact with her, at least for now, for your own sake, and just focus on taking care of yourself.

I wish you the best.

Her behavior sounds exactly like my ex-girlfriend's. Things started out great between us, then after a few years in the relationship, it's almost like someone flipped a switch in her brain, and her personality turned into the person you described in your post. She went from fun, caring and friendly, to almost mentally abusive.

From what I have been able to gather, it seems that she could be suffering from Histrionic and/or Borderline Personality Disorder. She also had a big problem with insecurity.

Agemaki, Thanks. What I find hard is that we are talking three weeks. That was not enough for me to get near wanting to leave.

Her mails today were full of such negativity. She's saying it nicely but it's still all false. They are not terrible things. She means no harm. It's just her low self esteem and current negative perception on life. Examples are is "you don't love me as I love you. I can't be with a man who is settling for me. I loved you first. You only love me because I love you so much. You don't like my looks'. She then blames my presence for her insecurities. She says once I am out the picture she wont be so insecure any more.

She refuses to believe that I am absolutely crazy about her. She refuses to believe I find her attractive. Compliments are ignored or criticised or met with scorn and anger. I wish she could see herself through my eyes.

She also criticises me for reacting to her words and moods. How can I not? If she accuses me of something I react be denying it. If she says she is leaving I react with surprise and shock. She says finds it unsettling that I react to her.

When she ended it I even thanked for five very happy months. Her reply "How could you enjoy it. How could I make you happy? That makes no sense"

It's so upsetting and maddening. We are crazy about each other but she is ending it.

I blame myself some. A while back, when she was becoming difficult, I tried to point out to her that I felt like I was walking in eggshells. She took that very badly and to heart. Had I known the affect I would have tried another way to say it. Part of her reason for leaving is to spare me her insecurities that she says will eventually drive me away. I would love to work with her. I have a ton of patience for her. All I needed to know is what was going on in her head. She didn't properly tell me until ending it.

I love her even more now I know what she is going through. I'm a big, tough fella. I can take some cr*p. Especially if I understand the cause. Then I don't take it personal and can deal with it.

I think she is disappointed that I did not deal with it. That I often reacted defensively to it instead of comforting her. When someone comes at you on the attack, the first thing you do is back away, though. Especially if happening on the phone where you can't see them. Face to face stuff I could read better.

Silverstar. It's gutting, isn't it?

Don't blame yourself. It sounds like she is dealing with a lot of issues right now and you cannot expect that you can fix them for her. We want to help the people we love but sometimes that help needs to come from a professional counselor and not from a romantic partner is too emotionally invested in the situation. You can encourage her to seek help if she hasn't already. That is probably the best you can do for her right now. Take care of yourself for now and try to keep an emotional distance from her and perhaps in a few years she will be in a better place, emotionally.

I know for me I will become totally overwhelmed with someone I am attracted to. She may need time to come to term with these feelings. If you want to keep your options open with her, I would give her time and space.
Autistic people can be difficult to have relationships with. Our moods and feelings are intense and sometimes are hard to deal with. If you do end up in a long term relationship get used to her needing blocks of time alone.

Thanks.

She's back. She couldn't stay away. I've learnt a lot these last 24 hours and now realise what things are going to be like.

She needs to lean more about AS, we both do. She is diagnosed but never learnt much about it.

I need to learn to stop reacting and how to calm things down.

We did a lot of talking. She has been feeling overwhelmed and agitated a lot. She was in a right state yesterday. First time I have seen just how bad it an be for her. Wanted to be with me but also said I was the cause of her distress. She finds it very hard to stay away. I think I've almost become an addiction to her. She calms down when with me but is in distress when apart. Thing is, the more she is with me the less down time she gets. To be honest, I don't think she can pin point why she feels like this.

Androbot. do you have any advice on how to handle things. I can see she needs time and space, especially as her life is currently busy and stressful, but when away from me she is distressed because she is away from me.