NT female looking for advice from AS male

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blixa43
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15 May 2015, 5:07 pm

I met my AS love over a decade ago & fell in love with him almost immediately. I completely believe he is my soul mate (even though the use of this phrase makes me cringe). He would completely agree. Due to outside pressures & the fact that we are 6 hours apart, he ended our relationship. A year ago, he looked me up again & we picked up being friends with ease. Within months, he told me that he could no longer ignore that I was the love of his life & needed to figure out how to get to me. He said that our connection was the most natural he had ever felt & that for the first time, he felt like he could be himself & nothing was forced. We saw each other as often as possible. I am well aware of & also fascinated by how he processes and handles things differently than I do. I have read several books about AS to prepare myself for things that may happen & so I can hopefully better understand him. A few weeks ago, there was an obvious change. We started going entire days at a time without speaking & I knew I needed to give him space & we had discussed on several occasions that at some point he would need to retreat, even from me. When he finally admitted to me what was going on, he said moving to me was unrealistic & he broke things off between us. We still speak almost daily but he is putting an obvious distance between us. He wants to keep me in his life and I do believe that he loves me. I guess my question is, is it really just that easy for someone with AS to move someone from "love of my life" to the friend category, literally over night? He is completely shutting me out as far as feelings are concerned and I'm convinced that he believes he is doing what is best for both of us. At this point, we are remaining friends because I cannot imagine a life without him but I am still very much in love with him and I tell him so because I don't want there to be any misunderstandings of where things stand for me.



Fnord
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15 May 2015, 5:49 pm

Is it easy - or even possible - for an AS male to shift a woman from "Love of My Life" to "Just a Friend" literally over night?

Yes.

Although the decision to do so might be weeks or months in the making, the act itself is nearly instantaneous once the AS male commits to it.



wowiexist
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15 May 2015, 6:05 pm

I agree. AS people have an easy time shutting people out. In fact it is easy for us to do that than to have relationships with people.



domanite
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15 May 2015, 6:20 pm

blixa43 wrote:
When he finally admitted to me what was going on, he said moving to me was unrealistic & he broke things off between us.


Is this a 'fear of change' issue? Is there any way you could move to him, at least temporarily? Once he gets used to being with you, perhaps moving won't be such a big deal, as long as it is together.

This is essentially what my wife did (before we were married) - after a couple years long-distance, she moved and did her last year of grad school as a visiting student, in my town. Of course, we don't say "she was getting me comfortable having her around", we say "she didn't want to be away from the man she loved any more." :)



blixa43
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15 May 2015, 6:33 pm

He had ended our relationship poorly several years ago & this time around said he felt like he needed to step up & show me that he was ready to stay true to his feelings instead of pushing me away like he had done so many years before. So he came to the conclusion that he needed to prove something to me by moving to me. What kills me is that he knew he basically sabotaged our relationship out of fear back then & to me, it seems as though he's doing the same thing now.

I'm trying to just give him space & it breaks my heart because I can see that he's not happy but I'm not sure what else I can do at this point.



domanite
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15 May 2015, 7:02 pm

blixa43 wrote:
I'm trying to just give him space & it breaks my heart because I can see that he's not happy but I'm not sure what else I can do at this point.


Everything you've said so far sounds like you both care about each other. He has some issues keeping him from moving, and the fact that he said he would move, to "prove" something, probably just exacerbates those issues.

First off: most good relationships require some work, but this one sounds like it might need more than average. You haven't mentioned any doubts on your part, but I certainly wouldn't think less of you for having them.

It sounds like you're making the right decisions. If neither of you can move, and you still love him, then keep the relationship going as best you can. Who knows, perhaps circumstances change and one of you can move; perhaps you rfeelings will fade over time.

And, who knows? Maybe the horse will sing.