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Fairfield
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07 May 2023, 4:09 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Fairfield wrote:
I might get a grippy sock vacation or something... :skull:


Is it OK to admit this made me laugh out loud?

Love you FF

I guess lot of people my age call getting involuntarily committed, getting a "grippy sock vacation". It was so f****n' funny the first time I saw it mentioned. lmaooo



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07 May 2023, 7:27 am

Fairfield wrote:
Like I should just suck it up and go, and even if I end up getting a Grippy Sock Vacay then I guess I deserve one. People I've talk to have been temporarily committed in the U.S. for less, so. :skull:

Though my possibly BPD ass is also worried that they'll think I just want attention because of how f****d up I am and "reject" me as a patient or never take anything I say seriously, then I'll have to kill myself. /half joke LMAO


I think your anxiety is being a barrier and giving you unhelpful opinions. Have you got any coping skills for your anxiety?
And although it's a lot harder than just sucking it up and going, I think you should reach out.

As for you having a BPD ass who knows, self diagnosis is always biased.


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Fairfield
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07 May 2023, 8:19 am

Recidivist wrote:
I think your anxiety is being a barrier and giving you unhelpful opinions. Have you got any coping skills for your anxiety?...

Healthy ones? No.



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07 May 2023, 8:29 am

Fairfield wrote:
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I think your anxiety is being a barrier and giving you unhelpful opinions. Have you got any coping skills for your anxiety?...

Healthy ones? No.


Do you want a link to some of the websites I was given to help with anxiety. I would suggest mindfulness but for me it's an almost impossible skill to learn (or I forget to use it when I should), I can do it when I'm not anxious but find it difficult when I do need it.


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KitLily
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07 May 2023, 8:46 am

A friend online said recently that there are two types of people in the world: one type which entertains and the other which watches. I think he is right.

Alternatively, there is one type of person (celebrities) who has every good thing handed to them on a plate and has a full and happy life. And the other type of person (the other 99% of us) who live pretty dull and hard lives just working our a55es off.

I wonder how the human race has sunk this low: we are all just idling and being entertained as our lives pass by. No one connects anymore, they just passively watch the entertainment.


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Fairfield
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07 May 2023, 8:58 am

Recidivist wrote:
Fairfield wrote:
Recidivist wrote:
I think your anxiety is being a barrier and giving you unhelpful opinions. Have you got any coping skills for your anxiety?...

Healthy ones? No.


Do you want a link to some of the websites I was given to help with anxiety. I would suggest mindfulness but for me it's an almost impossible skill to learn (or I forget to use it when I should), I can do it when I'm not anxious but find it difficult when I do need it.

Sure. And yeah, "mindfulness" crap never works for me, it's impossible to practice when my brain is trying to give me a panic attack and 75% of the time when I have anxiety it's that bad. Oof.



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07 May 2023, 9:44 am

Fairfield wrote:
Recidivist wrote:
Fairfield wrote:
Recidivist wrote:
I think your anxiety is being a barrier and giving you unhelpful opinions. Have you got any coping skills for your anxiety?...

Healthy ones? No.


Do you want a link to some of the websites I was given to help with anxiety. I would suggest mindfulness but for me it's an almost impossible skill to learn (or I forget to use it when I should), I can do it when I'm not anxious but find it difficult when I do need it.

Sure. And yeah, "mindfulness" crap never works for me, it's impossible to practice when my brain is trying to give me a panic attack and 75% of the time when I have anxiety it's that bad. Oof.


I don't have any of the websites saved but they are all written down, I'll dig them out today and post them for you later.
And I agree mindfulness is great to ground you when you are not anxious but when you actually need it , it's bollox. Although it is a skill that can be learned with lots of practice , I just can't practice it when needed - catch-22 :lol:


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KitLily
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07 May 2023, 9:47 am

Fairfield wrote:
Sure. And yeah, "mindfulness" crap never works for me, it's impossible to practice when my brain is trying to give me a panic attack and 75% of the time when I have anxiety it's that bad. Oof.


I agree, mindfulness never works for me. I think it's an NT fantasy that either works for them or doesn't work for anyone, it's just far fetched.


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07 May 2023, 4:38 pm

Fairfield wrote:
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Do you want a link to some of the websites I was given to help with anxiety.

Sure.


https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/website/

Most of the website is free and there are free downloads - ignore anything you have to pay for.

I recommend trying the CBT section first , maybe try STOPP to see if it's useful.

I'll post more links as I find them.


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Fairfield
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11 May 2023, 3:40 pm

I'm so pissed. I got told I can't be the lead in my department again because of some stupid f*****g reason that isn't my fault. I just think my manager doesn't want me to be the lead and I have no f*****g idea why.



IsabellaLinton
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11 May 2023, 5:31 pm

Recidivist wrote:


https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/website/

Most of the website is free and there are free downloads - ignore anything you have to pay for.

I recommend trying the CBT section first , maybe try STOPP to see if it's useful.

I'll post more links as I find them.



This is a great resource.

Thanks for sharing! :heart:



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12 May 2023, 6:58 pm

Genuinely starting to wonder if it's possible for everything someone does to be wrong. Every single little thing I've done or said in my life has gotten criticized and everyone does this BS to me. I'm about to hit my f*****g limit and might break the f**k down the next time someone is an ass to me with zero remorse, and for no actual reason besides to just put me down and make me feel like crap. No one else I know is treated like this, and it's not like I'm a huge bother to anyone because I legit shut the f**k up and just do what everyone wants me to all the time. Though that's probably my problem, because everyone can just say or do whatever they want, whenever they want to me and I'll just take it because whenever I've fought back I get treated like I'm the f*****g devil himself. And I'm not an as*hole, so like an idiot I feel bad for sticking up for myself, even though everyone deserves to have me tell them to f**k off and eat s**t.



Edna3362
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12 May 2023, 10:33 pm

I must always remind myself that while my SPED teacher is actively being helpful...

... She understands autism as a developmental disorder, and she understands humanity.
Yet she doesn't understand autism as a way of living and being.

While she understands that there is no version of NT inside me...
She doesn't understand that I'm NOT an "NT-like" at my best, at my core and in my peripherals.

She understands autism as a bubble.
She doesn't understand that I'm outside the majority's bubble. :roll:


Why 'teach' her if she's a "neurotypical without a major hung up or a cognitive disorder, whose at least 15+ years my senior, had hard work to get a diploma and have 20+ years of experience in SPED"?
And calls me arrogant assuming that I knew more than she?

She knows more about psychology yes -- but how much does she really know about autism beyond handling school children and dependent adults with level 2-3?

I'm just like any autistic who is autonomous enough to ask too many details.
She assumes I'm being resistive. She assumes I'm being stubborn. She assumes I'm being prideful.

I wish I was one of those concise and to the point people. But I'm not and I hate it.
She assumes it's the autism and it's defiance -- then why does it feel like it's not?

My language processing and bottom up learning IS the autism -- but not this knowledge gap that my upbringing had poorly filled, not this near constant confusion, not this stupid accusation that "I question authority".

I must understand. I must fricking accept that...
Even with all that level of knowledge, with all that level of empathy... Even with all those years that she knew of me.

She understands autism as a symptom and a behavioral issue, not as an identity. I accept the fact, that she's a professional so she based her views from the medical model.

Her goal is normalization. Her mission is to make CSN a contributing members of society.
That goal does not align with mine, fine.

My goal is to be able to control myself really well, to a point that normalization is a choice of mine -- not an end point, not something to strive for, and definitely not a way of my being.



Long story short, I'm just disappointed.
I know she is, too.

But I'm sure her interpretation of my own disappointment came with being "stubborn and demanding".


Perhaps this is also one of the major things I would need to change soon.


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16 May 2023, 1:25 am

I feel like I'm starting to not even flawlessly pretend to hold it together. I'm so tired of being wrong or stupid or irrationally angry. I'm tired of not getting things and being an embarrassment. I feel like everyone around me only tolerates me out of pity. As much as I love to advocate for autistic people, I don't feel worthy of that advocacy myself. I can't really blame autism for it though, as my problems only begin there.

I need to get out of this house, but I feel no motivation to get out of this house when everything is just dull or upsetting, or painful in some way. I keep checking out books and not reading them. I have a very sporadic creative drive that is very specific when it comes, but the rest of the time leaves me completely fogged over and forgetting simple things. I keep doing nothing but getting online and watching YouTube or posting on forums or getting into stupid arguments that just make me angry with strangers whose opinions really shouldn't matter to me. I can't stop to fold laundry or even watch a movie. It's pathetic.

"See a therapist" I end up downplaying everything to them, and then feel the uttermost need to please them for whatever reason by telling them what they want to hear even though they're supposed to be there to help me. I am the state champion of self-sabotage. My last therapist went on some kind of self-improvement journey for six months. Not that I'd want him to know how crappy I'm doing.


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KitLily
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16 May 2023, 12:06 pm

Dammit! Cockblocked by my own daughter. My husband is working from home tomorrow but it turns out now that daughter is also at home on a day off from college. Foiled again! Parents will understand this.


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Fairfield
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18 May 2023, 4:03 am

I had another really f****d up dream. I am so sick of waking up drenched in sweat and being terrified to go back to bed like every night. I want to finally buy a gun and just blow my f*****g brains out like I keep telling myself I should, so this s**t can just stop. I am so tired.