Rants

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On the outside, I don't have a problem. I really don't. There's literally nothing wrong with my life.

It doesn't reflect in the inside.
So where does it came from??
And what the **** was it? Other than that stupid decades old mystery?

It's giving me headaches. Literal body aches. Why can't I just drop it?!

If I do, few things can happen -- I'll beat the hell out of myself and validating this stupid irrational self's belief that is already subconsciously dragging me down in hell; or sacrifice and give up everything I had built so far and be useless or subservient for good.

Or, do the worst of all of it -- make sudden decisions, destroy everything in a fit rage and not just physically...

I cannot seem to improve.
All because I was a human.

Stupid emotional dysregulation.
I wish there's no emotions for me to regulate -- or even need to have trouble regulating at all, no stupid echoing voices my stupid head has to eff off because of some stupid sensitivities in childhood that is all beyond my control.

I hate this body's subconscious.
I hate how the human body is actually keeping the stupid scores. I hate the limbic system for being so powerful yet so f*****g stupid.

I really really want to be the person who do not give a damn. I'm not even trying to avoid anything.

But this 'body', this 'mind', this 'heart'... This "human".


3 years.
I'll give myself 3 years. Because I'd be turning 30 by that point.

If nothing improves... then I have to make a choice.
And I cannot honestly wait to just take that leap, everyone and everything else be damned.

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I honestly wish that I would just die in my sleep or have a heart attack or something. I don't want to actively kill myself, but I feel like s**t all the time and would just rather be dead.

Now time for my rant.

Bloody w*****s upstairs again. Doing exercise right when we want to relax and have a romantic movie night together. All we can hear is a loud, regular bomp-de-bomp...bomp-de-bomp...bomp-de-bomp..... right above our heads. It sounds like the ceiling is going to fall in.

Yes I know people have got to live their lives but when you live in an apartment above other people then doing exercise like that is inconsiderate. The regular thumping is very hard to ignore, even my boyfriend was getting fed up, and he's the sort to be able to ignore sounds normally, unlike me. I was getting really stressed.
We have a garden they could do their exercises in. There's a wooden hut thing in our garden and some of those barrier things you can move around so that you can have a little bit of privacy, as it's a communal garden but there's not normally anyone else out there. I'm sure they can do their exercises out there. Or see if they can move in to a ground floor apartment. You can look around and some people are willing to swap too. I know I would move upstairs in a heartbeat, but unfortunately my boyfriend finds it hard to climb stairs because of his knee problem, and this building doesn't have elevators.

I hate my husbands best friend.ever since he split up from his wife he has been hanging around our house nonstop i dont know why i dont just charge him rent

I don't want agoraphobia because it's a very misunderstood condition, people with agoraphobia usually get called lazy or a p****. But to those that suffer with it, it's real.

I am starting to fear being out and about on my own. It's not so bad when I'm with someone or if it's morning but otherwise I just fear the general public and crowds and lots of traffic. I feel like I'm a target or I'm exposed and everybody's looking at me and judging me.

At work I have to go to a different building halfway through my shift, with trash bags and stuff, in my work gear, and I feel like everyone is looking at me and laughing because I'm not dressed in the clothes they (total strangers) want me to be wearing. They look at the trash bags I'm carrying and they think "why ain't she got a handbag/purse?" But you can see I'm at work from looking at my clothes so I don't know what their problem is.

I just don't like being out in public alone any more. Most strangers are horrible judgemental c**** and it makes me feel upset. Why do people love making others feel bad? What's so wrong with me doing something normal like working? These judgement people should point and laugh at some of these lowlife scumbags that just sit on benches all day drinking and doing drugs and never working a day in their pathetic lives, not me, a hardworking citizen who needs to earn a living like 80% of people in this city also do.

The internet is so boring lately. WP seems inactive lately, the only sections that are thriving are the off the wall and the PPR, which neither spark my interest. Oh and maybe the news and current events but that's all right if you want to scare yourself, which my anxiety doesn't need right now.
In the other threads it seems to be the same people posting the same threads about an obsession of their's - yes I know autistic people do that but obsessions are only interesting to the person obsessed and others that are also interested. Otherwise it's f*****g tedious, if you'll excuse my language.

Facebook is no better. It seems full of ads now, or people selling stuff, or old posts people have posted like 3 days ago.

*Yawn*

Maybe internet socialising is going out of fashion now. I just want new feed, gossip, something interesting.

Delivery drivers that won't ring doorbells should be fired.

I've been dissociating really bad for 2 days straight for no reason and it's triggering me to want to self harm. I thought it would stop after I went to bed last night, but it's persisted all day. I've mainly been sitting and zoning out since I can't really process much like this. I hope tomorrow isn't like this, too.

I tried to sit outside, which helps me calm down sometimes, but I couldn't enjoy doing it at all and I had to come back inside. I feel really on edge so every little noise I heard startled me a bit. Now I feel worse than I did before.

I wish I can dissociate from emotions.
Or, I wish I'm not this emotional "person". Even the ability to compartment and summon it later.

But no, the latter just happens in luck.

Instead I spent having to focus holding it back, having to wrestle it and when it spills even a little, I'd explode in bursts and situations escalates. If I let it be, I'd destroy relationships and will actually hurt anyone.

I do not get better. Expressing it would violate a lot of things, including losing my job because of it.
'Asserting' won't work because I cannot express words well and be reasonable when emotional.

It's been like this since I was a child. Always in inappropriate time, inappropriate place.
Especially in situations where I'm in the wrong and I have no reason or even a right to be upset.

Remorse doesn't make me improve, shame never did, embarrassment as well.
It doesn't make me move. It doesn't make me a better person. It makes me an even worse person and helpless. It makes me want to get rid of it all.

I hate it.
I wish I'm not a human. Especially when I'm not allowed to be or do not have a reason to be even be "human".

I'm willing to sacrifice the experience of positive emotions only and only to grant me at least the ability to actually regulate this f*cking nuisance.

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