Suicidal Thoughts!

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Where do I start? I had a whole brain full of thoughts and now that I come to write them, nothing. A familiar story. A loose connection between brain and hand, brain and tongue..........

Every day the same, trying to reach the end without feeling too depressed being an achievement, the anxiety of being around new people, of being outside my comfort zone, the bitter loneliness of being an outsider looking in on a world where I don't belong, surrounded by people making their way in life knowing I can't do the same, approaching middle age still feeling like a teenager, seeing the bigger picture that others cannot, belly pains that last all night, never ending tiredness from lack of sleep, tears that flow from nowhere, the thoughts I'll never know how to express, searching for some kind of connection that constantly alludes, having no friends, having family that doesn't understand and doesn't want to, feeling most alone when around others, no direction - no future. I never thought I'd reach my mid-thirties and I'm not sure how much I longer I can go on. Feeling like you were born on the wrong planet is incredibly isolating and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Many members have felt what you do. You shouldn't feel isolated when you're at WrongPlanet, and I'm sorry it's taken so long to get a response.

If you like, we can ask a moderator to move your post to The Haven, it might get more attention.

Has something happened or are you tired from struggling?

I feel your pain, I was near that point a month or so ago. At the depth of a long shutdown I got suicidal, but thankfully never acted on any of it. I remembered that by doing that, I am letting my emotions win, instead of dealing with them. And I hate dealing with them as many times I do not understand them or misread them. I hope you feel better soon, you are among friends here. Dodger

Thanks for the replies. It might be helpful if you could do that Waterfallls in order to learn how others deal with similar feelings.

I'm feeling better today. It's always there thought, in the back of my mind. It can take something really simple or innocent to remind me that I don't fit in and the loneliness comes back. I just needed to get it out so came on here to vent. I have no one that will understand.

Scotland is a beautiful place--especially in the countryside.

Where do you live in Scotland?

I posted a link in the moderator thread to your thread. It's in Wrong Planet administration there's a thread "how to get help when you need it" where you can ask for help including if something is in the wrong place.

I am glad you are feeling better. I have that same experience of being easily knocked down by circumstances. I think a lot of us do, sometimes what makes it hard for me is, it's hard to communicate, I don't feel understood, and then I feel very alone. Trying to stay away from people who don't understand, or want to, at those times helps some.

Also I have to try to take my mind to something peaceful and safe, and not keep agitating myself about whatever has happened. Thinking about nature and water help me some.

Did you want to
Write more about what upset you or are you past it now?

[MOVED from Adult to the Haven]

kraftiekortie, yes Scotland is a beautiful place, especially at this time of year when nature is blooming. I'm from the South East, an area called The Borders.

Waterfall, you pretty much described what it's like for me too. Interacting with others, seeing them live seemingly fulfilled and happy lives means opening myself up and that means I have to put the numbness I've built over the years to one side, which also lets all the pain out.

I think the pain of struggling is so much that I've become numb, but that also means I don't feel the good. It's not really living, more of an existence. Sometimes if I allow myself to feel, it's too much, and I get extremely depressed.

I've got quite a lot of Scottish blood in me, and I've always wanted to visit Scotland. Even looking at pictures makes my heart swell with familiarity.

On topic:
Depression leaves wounds in your mind that remain with us for life. Learning to accept them as a part of who we are is difficult. Be gentle with yourself, and don't be ashamed to look back at them. The isolation is the worst of it though. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you're stuck seeing the big picture, when everyone else seems to be content focusing on the parts that they like. You've a wonderful way with words, and the way you describe your situation is incredibly moving. I would love to talk with you sometime. Send me a PM when you've got time.

~Wave

I felt numb for a long time, I still sometimes do.

Enjoy the beauty around you and understand that many of the people who look like they have happy and fulfilling lives perceive themselves as struggling every day. I am not intending to minimize the pain you feel--I feel alone some or all of every day and look around me to see pairs and groups of people smiling and laughing and I'm not part of it.

What I am saying is that people often seem to find something to worry and be unhappy about no matter how much they have. Not sure why that matters but I think it does, maybe because it suggests what won't work.

I haven't found how but there are people who find ways to be happy with seemingly very little, those are the people I try hard to learn from....they help me be happy not just from seeing they are, but because in their company I feel accepted and pretty good. If there are any unhappy people in your life who spread misery rather than use what they know to support others and bring them up, maybe you can spend less time around them, and perhaps it might help. Nothing drags me down faster than a person trying to drag me down or playing with me.

I've passed through the Borderlands by train. A beautiful place, indeed!

Is Prestwick in Scotland, or England? I've heard that the river there is the Scotland/England boundary.

I hope you are feeling at least a little better today.