Girlfriend is averse to touch

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kanashimoo
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03 Jul 2015, 3:05 am

We're both aspies. I'm very fond of touching but its difficult to convince her to hold my hand for any significant period of time. She doesn't mind spending 10+ hours per date and hugging me each time but anything else can make her uncomfortable. I find it difficult to keep my hands to myself all the time. What could I possibly do to meet in the middle?


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rdos
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03 Jul 2015, 4:24 am

Make sure you avoid light touch, and always use firm touch. If you hug her, give her a firm hug, If you hold her hand, hold it firmly, and not lightly, and keep it like that.



Silvervarg
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03 Jul 2015, 4:47 am

You could ask her if there's anyway for you to touch her so that she doesn't feel uncomfortable, if it's in public, if she feels that you're "too close" or if it's just that she's not used to it, I am also a very touchy person and to me it seems like the best way is to see if she wants to be distant or if she just feels like she needs to be.

Or try to establish a closer emotional tie because she might feel like you're physically closer than you are emotionally, and remember that just because you feel close to her doesn't mean she feel as close to you. :)

Good luck with it anyway, hope it works out for you.


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Aspie1
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04 Jul 2015, 12:39 am

I don't mean to be a dark cloud over a field of sunshine, but it doesn't seem like she even likes you, if she's acting this way. (Side questions: Have you had a mutual conversation to establish that she's your girlfriend? Have you kissed her?) For any kind of romantic relationship to exist, there absolutely has to be physical affection, period. You don't have to have your hands all over each other's sex organs, but some level of body proximity is a must. This can include chest-to-chest hugs, hand-holding, close dancing, kissing, etc. Otherwise you're just banal friends. (This doesn't apply to the dance community, where physical touch drives the whole experience, but is governed by very strict boundaries.)

My personal experience was like this. I had a "girlfriend" (if you could call her that) my first year of college. We spent a lot of time together, went places, and had great conversations. But she didn't want to hold hands. She didn't want to dance close. And her hugging skills stunk! I later found out that she didn't like me. I should have known right off the bat; all the signs were staring me in the face the whole time.



kanashimoo
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04 Jul 2015, 12:48 am

Aspie1 wrote:
I don't mean to be a dark cloud over a field of sunshine, but it doesn't seem like she even likes you, if she's acting this way. (Side questions: Have you had a mutual conversation to establish that she's your girlfriend? Have you kissed her?) For any kind of romantic relationship to exist, there absolutely has to be physical affection, period. You don't have to have your hands all over each other's sex organs, but some level of body proximity is a must. This can include chest-to-chest hugs, hand-holding, close dancing, kissing, etc. Otherwise you're just banal friends. (This doesn't apply to the dance community, where physical touch drives the whole experience, but is governed by very strict boundaries.)

My personal experience was like this. I had a "girlfriend" (if you could call her that) my first year of college. We spent a lot of time together, went places, and had great conversations. But she didn't want to hold hands. She didn't want to dance close. And her hugging skills stunk! I later found out that she didn't like me. I should have known right off the bat; all the signs were staring me in the face the whole time.


I do believe so. I've had a couple of talks with her about our relationship and I'm quite inclined to believe we're more than just friends.

Haven't kissed her or anything like that, but she always has been good with deep hugs (but does so with anyone). She kisses her pets all the time. Of course, kissing a person is different.


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Specialisterne is an international nonprofit which has the singular goal of enabling 1 million jobs for people on spectrum. DO check them out! I conducted an interview on national radio regarding my experiences with Specialisterne and SAP.

On a more local level, Focus Professional Services is a consulting organization based in Vancouver, Canada that attempts to hire people on the spectrum to act as IT consultants. They're a very new organization.

For those of us in Vancouver, there is an Aspies Meetup group; pm me if you're interested. I look forward to seeing anyone in Vancouver either in person or in a larger gathering!


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04 Jul 2015, 1:19 am

kanashimoo wrote:
Haven't kissed her or anything like that, but she always has been good with deep hugs (but does so with anyone). She kisses her pets all the time. Of course, kissing a person is different.

I take it "kissed" means French kissed. It's the boundary between friendship and sexual interest. If you don't kiss, then there is no way to know for sure if she likes you. If I were you, I'd hold off on putting any hope on this "relationship", and start pursuing other girls. As for hugs, it's just a friendly thing to do. I have female friends who I hug all the time, quite closely at times, such as after not seeing each other for a while or when congratulating each other. Hugging is more about comfort level than anything else. Yes, there is a "breast factor" in guy/girl hugs, but if she trusts you, she doesn't worry about it.



autismthinker21
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04 Jul 2015, 1:32 am

sensual touching makes difficult agreements. i dealt with so many women in my life, different women make me lose the idea. they all dont get the ways. so why bother working with them. its only worth it when you dont get stressed.


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rdos
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04 Jul 2015, 4:08 am

Aspie1 wrote:
kanashimoo wrote:
Haven't kissed her or anything like that, but she always has been good with deep hugs (but does so with anyone). She kisses her pets all the time. Of course, kissing a person is different.

I take it "kissed" means French kissed. It's the boundary between friendship and sexual interest.


No, it is not. Disliking french kisses is on the spectrum of neurotypical relationship preferences that clusters closely together with things like self-identifying as asexual. So, if somebody don't want to do french kissing with you, and they appear somewhat neurodiverse, then chances are good they won't like to do french kissing with anybody.

I really dislike french kisses myself, and I've never done it with wife (she also dislikes it). Mouth-kissing and hugs works just fine as relationship markers for us.

Aspie1 wrote:
If you don't kiss, then there is no way to know for sure if she likes you.


False.



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05 Jul 2015, 8:41 am

rdos wrote:
No, it is not. Disliking french kisses is on the spectrum of neurotypical relationship preferences that clusters closely together with things like self-identifying as asexual. So, if somebody don't want to do french kissing with you, and they appear somewhat neurodiverse, then chances are good they won't like to do french kissing with anybody.

I really dislike french kisses myself, and I've never done it with wife (she also dislikes it). Mouth-kissing and hugs works just fine as relationship markers for us..

Meh. All girls who found me sexually attractive, be in girlfriends or drunk strangers in a bar/club, always French kissed me, and all girls who only liked me as a friend never did. I've come to view it as a dividing line between the friend zone and genuine attraction.

When you're paying for a lady's company, things gets more complicated. Most lower-end escorts do not allow French kissing; being with them feels like borderline rejection. Most good ones allow it completely. Either way, I will only see escorts who I can kiss.



rdos
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05 Jul 2015, 9:38 am

Aspie1 wrote:
All girls who found me sexually attractive, be in girlfriends or drunk strangers in a bar/club, always French kissed me, and all girls who only liked me as a friend never did. I've come to view it as a dividing line between the friend zone and genuine attraction.


Might work for you, but certainly not for me. I've never found girls that were sexually interested in me as relationship material. I found such girls as shallow and I thought I could never trust them.

Aspie1 wrote:
When you're paying for a lady's company, things gets more complicated. Most lower-end escorts do not allow French kissing; being with them feels like borderline rejection. Most good ones allow it completely. Either way, I will only see escorts who I can kiss.


Yuck!