'Not Sure' girl loves a probably autistic man

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Hi, I'm new here. I signed up because I was looking for a place to speak my mind about a thing that's been bugging me for a few months now. At this point, I don't know what to do.

Personally I'm a 'Not Sure' (I mean on the autism spectrum, not on gender ) - 30+, signs of ADD, but functioning quite normally in daily life. I've got friends with autism, and feel pleasant around them.

A few months ago I fell in love with a guy almost my age, who is said to have autism. We saw each other at an event, bi-yearly, and all of a sudden, I couldn't wait to see him again. After 3 years of sparse but friendly contact, having a good conversation, lovely chemistry when we met, that still came as a surprise to me. I just woke up one morning and I was in love with him. And it only got worse after I did some research on who he was (I tried to show myself we wouldn't match - but failed awfully).

It all escalated, and from the start, he has been so nice and polite to me, but at every contact since I told him about my feelings, he gently tells me that he 'cannot feel love' and 'the only way to cure unanswered love, is not to stay in contact'. It left me devastated. For a half year, I've only thought of him, of being close to him. He's been in my head every day now. We texted for some time (simple conversations ok, emotional conversations often unanswered) sent him a love letter somewhere, but stopped alltogether when friends hinted me he cannot handle those emotions. All everyone says is 'give it time, have patience'. Yeah, of course, considering I would usually see him in a friendly setting bi-yearly, and now this love has come to the surface, this last half year couldn't have been longer. I suppose most of them will think 'oh shut up, he has been clear, move on, please?' by now. Maybe I should shut up, but still, I just cannot. There's something unusual about this love that I keep on hoping he'll open up somehow. Maybe I'm nuts and stubborn.

Me, being a nice, nerdy girl, respected and sometimes even adored by my nerd friends, am totally blown out of the water. My life - I've been in steady relationships for years - but broke up when the feelings got too difficult - has been upside down ever since. I have no clue what my mind or heart is doing, but it's far from rational. He knows this, but yeah, being the person he is, he says he can do nothing about it. Me, being an odd, awkard person myself some times, can relate so much to him, and cannot handle myself in this. It's ironic.

I wonder what I should do with this. I feel love for him, but can not give it. He feels confused around me, for he feels my love but does not know how to respond to it. He's been rejected by a girlfriend long ago, so I sense there's some unwillingness to wander that path of misery again. Although he is lighthearted about it, I assume it left him troubled about 'how to cope with feelings of love'. I assume he once gave it a try, failed, and now rejects all.

The 'does not want me' is almost out of the question; I've consulted good friends of him, and they all find we would be a good match and he would be nuts not to like me - but still, he doesn't want to date me. It's up to him after all, but I've more or less verified that it would be me being unnatractive or uninteresting. All his friends like me and wouldn't mind having me around as his girlfriend. Since my breakup, I've had a few guys instantly wanted to date me - which I rejected, because I could only think of this one guy. It's so crazy. I'm no teenager anymore. Yes, I'm a rational person after all. Checked everything on the list - and still it doesn't work. Life tricks me, it doesn't work in the simple way I wish to see it.

I don't know where this will lead. He is said to be autistic, and still, in our dates, conversations, he is so social, so open, he shares every detail with me, he flirts (but isn't aware, which he confirms), we have chemistry like no other. And still he rather stays away from further contact, saying it would not be good, it would only hurt me, and I should 'leave him in the darkness' (his words). Funny thing is, friends tell me he is nuts and even boring, when he goes on and on about topics that only interest him. But when he and I are together, we talk for hours and no sign of boring monologues. I know love can blind you, but I really wasn't aware of his social shortcomings until friends made me aware of his awkward ways. I enjoy spending time with him. It only saddens me that he doesn't see that as a reason to see each other. At this point, all contact has drained. I do not know if that stems from him not wanting to harm me, or that's just his nature.

I've read about relationships with autists. That it can be a tough and lonely road, because you come to the point where lack of commitment gets in the way. I do not know how to handle that. But what I do know is that I have a lot of similar flaws myself, and that I can accept most of his. But still... if signs are that you should stay away from an autistic partner, who am I to pursue it?

Any advice on this?

I know this might not be the best advice:

But why don't you keep up the friendship with him? You know where he stands. You feel a commonality with him. He seems an interesting person whom you could learn from.

In the meantime, search for another person.

There are those who believe you should break contact all together--but I'm not really an advocate of that--unless you feel depressed because of the unrequited love.

I truly hope you find somebody who does appreciate you--whether he's autistic or not.

Thanks for responding so quickly.

I think, keeping up the friendship - or what's left of it, would be the best indeed. At least, he would feel at ease with that. I think he feels awkward when a woman expresses feelings to him he can't handle, and he doesn't want to disappoint her. At this point there is no contact at all, although he allows me to send e-mails and postcards from my travels, but he just doesn't respond - not because he doesn't care, but because he is afraid to say hurtful things at all - he told me that a few times. He says to stay silent on purpose, because he doesn't know how to answer.
(He can't go wrong with me! But still...)

But at this time, I'm still in love. I know I should steer clear of those feelings and just accept he cannot love, or he is not willing to dive into feelings that make him so unsure. I can understand, from his point of view, that keeping a loved one close, when you don't know whether what you say is loving or hurtful, is hard and exhausting. I wish I could accept that he is not up to that now - or maybe never.

It is just that time passes so slowly. I only see him bi-yearly. That was never a problem before, I know. But all of a sudden, it is. Since last time in March, after a few dates with him, I found ways to see him more often (being invited by friends of him, accidentaly) but did not want to overdo it or look like a stalker. He has his life, and again, our paths didn't cross so often the last years, and I have mine.

It's that just - I'm afraid, that someone so unique, so of great value, is just out there - and that he can't or doesn't accept me being around him (for, as he says, he would feel I would always want more, and he could not offer that). He's really intelligent, so bad it hurts me that I myself am just driven by dumb emotions. He's so rational, it sometimes takes me days to figure out that what he said or advised was actually the best thing to do. Makes me adore him even more, unfortunately.

I'm just afraid that one day he'll be gone for good - in any way possible.

Strange, again, after not bothering about him for 3, 4 years, and now, suddenly, if he's out of sight... I'm afraid. How can I step back from that 'attachedness' again?

"Love" is really a very imprecise term.

I would say he is probably able to feel "love" for something.

It's possible that he has an over-precise notion of love. He might not understand that there are many kinds of love. Love for your sister, love for your dog, love for an abstract concept, etc.--in addition to romantic/sexual love.

I have a wife. I don't really feel "romantic" love for her--though I've felt that way about others. But I do "love" her--as a friend. I do care about her.

Maybe he believes there must be LITERALLY butterflies in one's stomach in order for there to be "true love." (I'm kidding LOL)

Obviously, all this is idle speculation--but one should never be afraid to speculate (as long as it is presented as such, and not as "fact").

I know you're too sensible for this--but the best advice I could give you is to not show up at his door, despite your great urge to do so (I understand, quite well, these sorts of urges!)

Are you in the creative field? Do you do music/poetry/art?

I'm trying to respond to your message but unfortunately, the board says there are URLs in my post. Will try again later.

Try again. Sometimes, things resolve themselves in just a minute or so.

That's what I thought of, for a long time. I mean, I have been thinking this whole thing over for a few months now
His social interaction, when we happen to see each other, does not match the closed, introvert person people describe him to be. He's so open, so gentle, and shows curiosity about how I'm doing. I know he must care about me in some way, because he has mentioned a few times that he doesn't want me to be hurt by his lack of love, his lack of anything he considers normal for social interaction. If he wouldn't care about me, he would be meaner to me. I even asked him (last time we spoke) to be meaner, but he told me he just could not do that. I believe he feels, and has ever felt, warm friendship feelings, but likes to keep that that way, instead of throwing it overboard for deeper feelings that he might ruin.

Hah, funny take on it... no he is intelligent enough to know how to feel love, as he says he has felt it before, long ago - I believe 8 years ago. But he told me about this - he saw this girl regularly, and only after half a year, he realized he felt love for her. He told me this quite bluntly, like he wanted to emphasize how clumsy he was in sensing people's feelings.

Oh, never mind, I've speculated on this for the last few months, considering all kinds of takes at it... going over the 'I'm not fancy enough for him' and 'he likes prettier girls' (options dismissed by his good friends, what a compliment for me), the 'he is afraid to love' and finally this 'oh yeah, the autistic signs - he is convinced he is unable to properly respond to love'. This last thing is in best alignment with what he made clear to me, the times we spoke. But is that a final, unchangeable state? People grow and learn, and even autistic people are not so rigid in their experiences that they never try to step out of the imprint that has been made in their mind once? Speculating here...

Heh, talking about showing up at his door. I once did that, long ago, but he was not home. He knows about it. Good for me. Don't know how that would have turned out. Guessing now, he would just have said 'thanks' and let me out again. He is the kind of guy that could just handle it like that without blinking.
No, I won't do that ever again. I withhold myself from starting contact with him, afraid to bother him (although I believe he doesn't mind the attention - he just minds that he's being asked to respond to it). I just don't want to push him further away than I already did. However, he once told me that his attitude towards me hadn't changed, and whatever I had done, and will do, he will never turn his back on me. I was so puzzled by that! Eh, thanks?

Yes I am. I do a lot.

So is he, in fact. We share skills in some arts, and he masters a few that I do not - likewise I have some ambitions that he once told me he appreciates, but would never be able to keep up with.
To show my love for him, I even created some art. There's no need to refer to it here, I'd rather stay a bit anonymous - but friends who saw it, said it was nice (and not 'awkward to receive as a token of appreciation' ).
He is a bit shy to show me his skills in art, although there is some work of him on the net. He's not the show off kind of guy, which matches his overall attitude of him feeling awkward. I honestly believe he is not. I told him so and he thanked me for the compliments, but found it tough to accept them. Awww.
Oh well. I should see him as a friend, and hope that, in a few months, I happen to run in to him again. Or ask him out on a friendly date, but a) that's now waayyy too early and b) he would immediately think I was onto something more again. I just don't have any patience... but does anyone, who is in love?

By the way, I wrote 'bi-yearly', but I actually meant the other way around: twice a year. Sometimes three times a year, depends on the organisation. So over the years I have seen him for like 8 times at the event, and halfway through we dated once, and so this spring, we dated again.

Nope...Patience and Love do not mix!

I've never been a patient person--which is why I could, in a way, predict what you desire to do.

When I was 19, I used to have this great urge to just show up at this woman's door. She was a funny kind of woman. When she wasn't drunk, she was a lesbian; when she drank, though, she desired men.

She was a pretty good poet--so was I. I think we had a nice poetical connection. In terms of romance, we "got together" once--though it wasn't a "consummating" event.

I wish I still had that poem with me--but I lost it during one of my many moves during the late 1980s. It was called "Duchess Lady." It was probably the best poem I ever written. It was about this woman, who was twice my age. "The Duchess" was the name of a lesbian bar in Greenwich Village.

She was trying to get over some kind of schizophrenic episode when I met her. We hit it off pretty well. She was able to get a job at Lincoln Center--as an administrative assistant--but it was for the Metropolitan Opera.

We had a few get-togethers of a chaste nature. I wanted more. Like I said, "more" only happened once.

We lost contact (I don't remember why).

Sometimes, the candle still burns (even though I'm now 54, and she's now 73).

I'm thinking, sincerely, that you like the "mystery" of the man.

This is what fascinates you...and its quite understandable.

If he were "over the top," you might find him boring.

Do you believe him to be a "Muse?" I think the Muse-relationship could be a productive one for your creative endeavors over the coming years.

Well, I never had the luck to share such things with him (although with others, as I've been in relationships). I've been at his home in a quite intimate setting, which he allowed to happen. Still do not know why he let me come so close that evening, while by that time he knew I wanted more than he could, or was willing to, give. I cannot turn back time, how much I would want it.

No, I'm not a person of patience either. But that stems from my earlier experiences.

I wonder how long these feelings will remain. If I have to let him go, it won't help to keep seeing him. If there's something for me left unfinished (the strange feeling I had over the last weeks), ... it is still maybe good not to see him for a while.

It is so strange that a man can admit he feels at ease with you, speaks his mind, has a pleasant evening, can share his odd interests and strange hobbies even though not many other girls would be interested in that - and then that's just it. Like there is no use in spending time together, or being together at all. It leads to nothing. Strange.

Well yes, I can imagine him being my muse in some way. Although my art is public, and friends will surely recognize my depictions of him. It will turn awkward if I keep on depicting him in things I make. It is not really a sign of strength, more of lingering sadness and the lack of power to get over it. I just don't know.

I struggle with it so much I cannot hide it, yet displaying it everywhere keeps me going around in circles. Friends have not really been helping in that either, because they are on my side; they know me, some know him, and although they see the current situation as hopeless, most laugh it away and say either he's gonna think twice (in a matter of years) or I will find another guy soon (which I'm not after, actually). Nobody really hits me in the face with the words that it just won't happen. Well, only the one friend who give me the 'autist insight'. I believe he's quite right. But he too knows I'm a strong and stubborn girl, and is curious how this will end. Heh.

Last addition: just because I will / can not reach out to him, it feels like nothing is happening. Now everything happens for a reason, but nothing happening... I have to get used to that idea.

As Lou Grant said to Mary Richards when he was interviewing her at WJM (within the The Mary Tyler Moore Show):

"You've got spunk!"

I sure hope you are able to find some satisfaction with this man.

I sure hope, as well, that when you do achieve the satisfaction, that it doesn't end up anticlimactic.

Heh, yeah, I've got spunk. For sure.

Yesterday I was halfway down the path of writing a long, direct letter, in which I wanted to point out the bottomline of my efforts to increase social contact with him in the first place. I've got a lot written down, but it does not seem to have the right words. It's too long. He's a much better writer than I am and my letter only sounded like another, endless, plea for acceptance. I don't think he thinks that way, and will be confused one more time, so I managed to put my mind off it and not end or send the letter.

I've been at that point quite a few times. Every time, emotions, or the will to express them, get in the way. Every time afterwards I am happy that I didn't send out these words, which are not particulary harsh in my eyes, but just express some sort of total defeat, and leave no room for an innocent friendship. If friendship is what I should be going for, throwing even more explanations and expectations at him will only ruin it.

It's so ironic, he is reluctant to stay in, or deepen contact with me, because he is (in my opinion) afraid to go off the beaten path of friendship and maybe ruin things from there;
I, myself, have over the past months, not found a way to tell him what I really want to say, but eventually can't hold it any longer and throw out a completely dumb and puzzling message to him - say sorry - he accepts it, promises me there was no harm done, and we'll just stay friends.

It's exactly that, that feeling of not being good enough, that attracts me to him, as he often expresses the same to me, and we both forgive each other for that. But yeah, a mutual 'flaw' is no reason for love, of course. It needs a spark. I suppose it is just not in the cards.

I may say the same things over again now, but I just have the urge to express myself.
I wish this guy knew this all, but I never come to the point of actually explaining it to him...


I hope as well to find satisfaction in this. Maybe it is in what you said before: the definition of 'love'. Maybe I should take a step back, and just accept it as it is now.

And it is odd that, some time ago, the guy wrote me this line in nearly the same manner.

If you've got any more advice on flaws in my way of thinking, or just words that might help - feel welcome.

Last edited by RVFlowers on 25 Jul 2015, 2:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

Oh definatly stay away, we are all weird freaks with no chance of having any relationship with anyone...in fact we are so socially ret*d we will ruin your life and anyone you know if you associate with one of us. You should just tell the guy 'hey not into ret*ds' that will get the point across that you don't want to risk a relationship with anyone who general society might have a hard time accepting. If you want a normal normy go find one, but don't expect to find it within the autistic community...unless you find one who is obsessed with social rules and making an appearance.

Break it off....I mean hell you've already expressed plenty of concern he is not what society would want you dating, and you're too finicky to start this relationship if it depends upon what other people think of it. Either you love this man or you don't...if you do you'd be willing to give up all your pre-concieved notions and be disowned by your family to be with him, if not you care more of social appearances than who you are with in wich case do the right thing, don't break the guys heart at the last minute tell him initally you are looking for a clean cut, socially acceptable carbon copy of whatever is acceptable at the time being...and get a contract so as soon as they deviate from the plan they're fired and you can get a better pseudo-husband robot, but eventually the robots might want equal rights as well.....so be careful thinking there is one class left to exploit due to them being more computer than human.

You're not the first to tell me that, Sweetleaf! And there's certainly truth in that.

Friends have asked me why I pursue him, while they know his quirks and doubt if he can live up to my expectations (read: from experiences in relationships with non-autis). At this point, I have dropped all my expectations beyond 'being in the same room together and just liking each others presence', 'giving the other a hug now and then',
...but we all can tell that at some point in time, one expects to proceed... whether that is me, or that is him (unlikely) or it is that he expects that that should happen, and he gets uneasy just because he doesn't know how or why.

I wasn't planning on a relationship that lives up to common social rules, but his fear that I might expect that at a certain stage may make him so confused he won't start on it alltogether. Yeah, I can see that being a roadblock.

How do I find the way between 'not wanting to love him' (whatever love is) and 'making him feel like I dropped him because he is said to be an auti' ? I just want him to know that for me, he is just ok the way he is.

@Sweetleaf, I don't care what society expects me to be dating, honestly not.
Friends who know him, and know me, and tell me I should cut my pursuit because he is not capable of blahblah and he is not good enough for me: I get silently mad at them! They judge him, I do not!

(If I did so in my former writings here, it was to point out why this story is so unusual and doesn't follow the lines of 'normies' dating).

Interesting story that I certainly can relate to. Just curious, how many times have you meet him and in what time-frame?

As for getting over it, I'm afraid that cutting all contact is the only way to do that, and since you appear to have meet / spoken to him rather infrequently, that means it might take a long time. Personally, I know that I survived half-a-year without any contact whatsoever, and I still had the crush after that.

As for getting back to friends-only, I don't think that will work for you. His presence will trigger your feelings, and could keep you in the current state almost indefinitely (at least this is how it works for me).

What I really don't understand is his behavior. Everybody can fall in love and feel love, and I'm sure that autism has no effect on that. Thus, his claims are not accurate, rather he probably don't want to get into a relationship because of his previous failure. I also kind of think that he wants to avoid you because he might be afraid to "catch" feelings for you that he doesn't want. From that perspective, getting back to friends might be interesting, but probably will be hard on you, especially since it probably will increase your feelings for him while it might take a while for his feelings for you to develop, if he allows it.