'Not Sure' girl loves a probably autistic man

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Interesting story that I certainly can relate to. Just curious, how many times have you meet him and in what time-frame?

As for getting over it, I'm afraid that cutting all contact is the only way to do that, and since you appear to have meet / spoken to him rather infrequently, that means it might take a long time. Personally, I know that I survived half-a-year without any contact whatsoever, and I still had the crush after that.

As for getting back to friends-only, I don't think that will work for you. His presence will trigger your feelings, and could keep you in the current state almost indefinitely (at least this is how it works for me).

What I really don't understand is his behavior. Everybody can fall in love and feel love, and I'm sure that autism has no effect on that. Thus, his claims are not accurate, rather he probably don't want to get into a relationship because of his previous failure. I also kind of think that he wants to avoid you because he might be afraid to "catch" feelings for you that he doesn't want. From that perspective, getting back to friends might be interesting, but probably will be hard on you, especially since it probably will increase your feelings for him while it might take a while for his feelings for you to develop, if he allows it.

I think it's been 4 years now, so 2011, since I first noticed him while being at an event. I was invited by someone else, saw him, found him intruiging (but yeah, that happens sometimes, doesn't it) but we didn't speak. I can recall I did want to, but had no reason to do so.

In the years after, I started going to kind of medieval dances in our neighbourhood. They're held really close to his home and his friends would go, so he did. We often shared a dance or two and chatted for a while, drank a beer, and parted ways. As I was always in a relationship, I liked him, but that was all there was to it. I don't know what I had done when he had shown feelings for me by that time . I mean, I liked him as a friend.

Last time I met him at such a dance we had a really good time, more intimate. We parted ways and, several days after, I asked him to meet, and couldn't help but tell him about my feelings. We spent some time together that evening, quite intimately, but we said goodbye with a hug and I said this was enough for me.

Then the next morning, day, week, month... I couldn't get him out of my head. It was like things had turned upside down. We texted, he got confused with my intentions, we had some friendly dates. I held back my feelings, but couldn't help mentioning afterwards that he really made an impression to me and I'd liked to see him more often. He never got angry or frustrated over this, he always said sorry and that he lacks communication, and he told me politely that it was really the best thing to stay friends.

I remember him saying that 'I knew only his good sides' and 'I should leave him in the dark, look forward and move on'.

Honestly, if someone tells you the latter, CAN you move on?
It was sort of a cry of help, but at the same time, an advice to me to go away. Should I trample his advice and keep knocking? I bet I wouldn't gain any trust or respect from him in that way, so I minimized my forms of contact, left out all the emotional messages, and only contact him for 'for your information' things, if even.

Indeed, infrequently. Mind that in former, we used to 'accidentally' meet at these dances only twice a year. I never saw any trouble in that. Since my crush I have taken on opportunities to run into him, but it almost felt like stalking, and I am not a creep like that. I have a life, a job, hobbies, things to do. Only true villains would spend their full days pursuing someone in that way, in movies. Sane people just move on. Also, I knew that if he would find out, he would never trust me again. So I admit I've sat at a bar with a beer for a few times, to see if he may be there, but that's all there's to it.

I give you credit for that, it indeed works that way. I thought I could respond rationally to seeing him, but I still cannot. Once he's in view, I turn into a pudding, start trembling - I know. Unwanted. Hard time to keep myself together. I hardly recognize myself then, because in other emotional situations, I am always the one not crying, uttering stupid, logical solutions. And in those moments, I'm so aware of how I am led by emotions, and realize that if he really is not, he will never find understanding for the care that I have for him, as he personally just doesn't feel or recognize it. He'll find me dumb for being so led by emotions rather than rational decisions.


I am not sure how he interprets love. Autism can, in my opinion, confuse your feelings, like they're wired wrong, or not so strong as with non-auti's. So I'm sure he feels something, like affection, or care for me. He likes to see I'm happy, for example. But to him that would be no other feeling than feeling warmth when the sun is on his skin. It's just a nice feeling, nothing more. I suppose it is like that. It's not a feeling worth taking actions on, or strengthening contact with that person who invokes that feeling.
Also, his insecurity of handling social matters can come into play. He is known to be quite blunt in social contact, and he may have experienced some unwanted outcomes in former conversations or tries to get closer to people. I have the idea he is afraid to get attached to me (indeed, catch feelings for me) and then say something utterly stupid, or get in a fight with me, and losing me altogether. He's walking the safe path here. He already lost a girlfriend and my speculations are that he never found out where it went wrong.

Last thing I did was send him a postcard from my holiday. I made it friendly, mentioned some activities, the weather, ended with simple greetings.

Loving feelings are totally on the backburner for now, for as long I can keep it that way. That's also why I came here; I cannot go on talking to my friends about this, they know me as a strong girl and expect me to move on. So I'll shut up to them, but please allow me to speak my mind for a bit here...


I wonder. Should I, and how, ever let him know I assume his 'auti signs'? His close friend told me about it, not in a mean kind of way. She said it was pretty clear to her and others, but I think you cannot simply label someone. I cannot simply e-mail him and say 'hey, don't worry, I know about your dark side. It's okay, I accept it.' . If he doesn't find himself to be an auti, or he doesn't want me to know that, it's an insult, right?
And what if he knew that I know, would he feel relieved or would he feel that I wouldn't see him as a 'normie' and doubt with every action, that I treat him differently? It can land so wrong, so wrong. I have no idea how I can ever let him know. I cannot ask friends to play messenger in this - only hope that they drop the notion somewhere when it ever comes across.

Hi,

Just wanted to say I am in a similar situation. I actually just joined this community to get insight about how to proceed with my situation.

I would agree with your first assessment that when you send him emotional stuff that he just doesn't respond to it. I have noticed similar behavior from my situation. I am pretty sure he reads it but doesn't know what to do about it, so he ignores it. I don't ask him about it and I try not to do this too often.

I bother all of my other autistic friends about helping me "decode" what is going on.

I have realized that the longer I know him, the better I understand him and why he doesn't initiate things.

I would say to disregard what NTs tell you about how if he's interested he'll do something about it. They don't understand. They think life is simple and if you want a donut you will eat it. They don't think about how you might be on a diet or you don't want to be the as*hole who eats the last donut in the box or be judged by skinny people on juice cleanses who watch you eating the donut.

I would try to go back to being friends with him. It takes a while for autists to trust you. Your behavior of coming on really strong and then disappearing has probably confused him. Autists like consistency. Just be a friend. If you really like him, then being a friend should be something you would want to do anyway. If more happens, then more happens. He sounds like a sweet guy who needs more friends and it's okay to subtly push and let him know that you like him as long and you don't expect him to react a certain way.

Best of luck!

Is this the relationship you want ?

Based on his current behavior and not on what you hope, even if he agreed to be in a romantic relationship with you, would you be happy ? It seems to me that you would be the one making all the efforts and sacrifices. How long are you ready to spend convincing him that he can love and thinking about him ?

That one is easy to answer. Neurodiverse males don't initiate contact because they are blocked from doing so. At least until things have progressed to a certain state. That means if you are NT and playing hard to get, there is not a chance you will ever get something going with such a guy. Women needs to participate actively in the process if they want it to lead anywhere.

I don't think she can decide that. It's not the NT situation where she can just drop everything and move on. Even if he think it works like that for her. I was in that situation for 10 years after having a crush on a girl during college. A complicating thing was that I didn't realize I was polyamory, but rather thought she was the only one for me, so I just stopped being interested in girls for most of my 20s.

Good question. I don't know if this will be the relationship I will be happy in.

What I do know, is that for the last ten years, I've tried normal relationships, that lead from dating each other, to moving in, and even one time dropping the word 'marriage' once. Those last two relationships which both lasted four years each were in fact nothing more than friendships based on deep trust and mutual interests, or the will to help each other further in life. I cannot describe it differently. We shared the understanding that none of us both would go astray, we did things together, but in the end, I always wanted to be alone. The bedroom part has never been interesting for me after the usual experimenting in my 20's. It's not a relevant part of relationships (tell me I'm missing out, oh boo - sorry, I just don't see the necessity of it at all, unless you want to reproduce). When I realized my last partner only stayed with me for those moments, I decided we had to split up.

So, bottom line. I tried to keep relationships based on what I think society expects. Increased frequency in seeing each other, ending in spending your life with each other. That just doesn't work for me. So this is the reason I thought about doing it completely different. Not have a plan. Just see and cuddle each other now and then, based on need for each other, not on routine or rules that you should see each other at least 3 times a week - BS.

I'm afraid that, when he would accept to try the 'free' situation described above, I would often feel the need to be with him, but he would not as often feel the need to be with me.
I wouldn't mind if he had weeks full of own business; work, game nights with friends, rehearsals for sports and hobbies; that's alright. But I assume that it would slowly creep me out if he would spend a weekend alone or with friends, but not invite me, just because the trigger of having me around doesn't fire. If it would be equal to him whether I was there or not, then indeed, it's always me who has to initiate a meetup, and I would at some point painfully learn how he doesn't not want me to be there, he just doesn't include me in his system. I could forgive him, but I would become more and more pained by the whole situation.

Therefore, good point.


Oooh, good one. However, I hope he knows why I shy away. He's been the one advising me not to stay in contact, so in one way he'll be happy that I at least try to do what he asked me to. My take on it is that I want to stay friends with him, which he doesn't mind. However, I think he is bright enough to say 'no, bad idea' if I would just cordially ask him if we could play a board game at his home somewhere soon. At that point he lost faith in me, because I promised him once to be friends again, and yet soon after I told him how hard it was to see him as a friend because he was so charming.

Difficult,... it's like steering a giant ship in storm. Diverting the course takes ages, and fooling around at the wheel can make the boat tip over completely.


Yep, friendship it is.

How well have you put that - don't confuse him, don't push him from left to right with mixed messages - . Friends told me that long ago, but I didn't get it that time... now I do. I should stay in the 'trustable friend' and only that, no glitch of a mixed message. Tough...

(I mean, I am a trustworthy friend, but I also sense these loving feelings, which add up to the former, but are... to him, a reason to shut me out).

Or well, I can say 'friendship it is' but it is so tough to let the feelings drain and tear myself away from it all.

I just feel so sad for him that he can't / isn't willing to / sees no need to experience the love / care I could give him.
But if he doesn't suffer from that because he doesn't feel such things at all, yeah, who am I to be sad...

Seems like a reasonable decision. I think any relationship should start with a really obsessive phase. It builds a strong attachment that will last almost forever. Without that, it would just be a friendship, and especially if you don't find sex very interesting.

The problem at least for me is that these really obsessive crushes only occurs about once per decade on average.

Well the obsessive phase is not quite mutual in this!

It seems not, but maybe you should confront him more on this instead of agreeing with his decision that you should have no contact? Maybe you are a little too reasonable on this, especially since it appears you can not just "move on"? I don't mean you should stalk him, but trying to meet him is not stalking him you know.

Well in normal life, as I've learnt from movies, the situation can escalate in multiple ways. It all depends on the characters of the two.

In my situation, I am in theory strong enough to move on. I have work and hobbies that consume my time, there are volunteers willing to date me (no use in that, I knew them long before and would have shown my affection earlier if I wanted). So I am able to move on. In theory.
Friends expect me to move on, as they have always known me as a rational thinker. I've had my troubles in relationships, but it never threw me overboard. I always managed to keep up work and move on easily. So whatever I undertake 'underwater', to the outside world I must simply show I move on.

Yet this situation of rejection (am I just stubborn) constantly withdraws me from moving on. I bet I just haven't experienced rejection in a long, long time. The few times I tried to win someones love, I succeeded. So I may be biased in my view on my chances in that. Then again, all his friends are greatly amazed when I tell them about the rejection. Yet they do not want to intervene because he is so introvert and closed and they do not want to invoke a 2-hour monologue on his ex-girlfriend. So they usually leave that topic to rest.

Meanwhile, the last weeks, when I hear radio, these typical love songs appear to come on. I've come to think that this situation of rejection is so generic that every love song appeals to it, or that I'm only picking up the songs that appeal to this situation. One way or another, it drove me crazy the last weeks. I constantly thought to hear his thoughts shimmering through the lines of all those blue pop stars. It's so funny it is just sad.



Coming back to the confrontation part. Yes. I've been there.
Weeks ago, I consulted a good friend of his. She explicitly told me not to contact him any more or he would just block - not only to me but to everyone. I promised her not to send him txts, emotional things, letters. I would leave him at ease. Yet... after a week... I thought there had to be a way to communicate with him. I just bluntly typed a short e-mail in which I asked him to be penpals from now on.
In three days, I got a reply. He was in doubt, as he still believed that contact would not make my love decrease, but he had nothing against friendly contact. He would occasionaly write back! I managed to hold my breath for another week and dropped him a line asking how work and all was going. I never got a reply.
(we did meet a few weeks later, and he explained he intentionally did not reply because it was too hard for him).

I tried to meet friends of his, who were, least to say, a bit surprised by my sudden interest in their party. It is a friend group from a hobby he has, and I was invited to watch them rehearse and so. I drank a few beers with them (they were by that time aware of my crush on him, and found the situation funny) and had friendly chats. No flirting. One time even when he was there too, but that same week, I had promised him by e-mail that I would keep contact as minimal as possible; he politely informed me that he accepted that. So we just ignored each other for the evening, we both did a good job in that although for me it felt strange. Maybe he is so much better in that because no contact also means no chance of failure.

After the summer, some of his friends have already invited me to things where he will be as well. I doubt if I should go to every invitation. I have to look through his eyes for that, to imagine if he would find it stalking or not

I'd go to every one of them, and then I would shamelessly flirt as much as possible.

What? But no!

- If I flirt with his mates, he will see that as rejection. He will not take that as a hint to go after me. He will feel defeated and will even think I'm willing to antagonize by acting that way in front of his face.

- I cannot flirt with him, because that's a mixed signal that does not align with the promise I did to him only to be friends!

But ok, yes, it's not that I'm missing out on things. I keep my eyes open for interesting guys.
That I currently still have my heart locked only for him, doesn't mean I waste my time. That's no use.

The lock will release in time, and things will happen the way they should (whether that involves him or not).

Of course you can. Just get at it as much as possible. That's a non-mixed signal that you don't accept his decision, and if he really isn't interested, then he should be able ignore it.

And if he is able to reject and ignore that, then it becomes easier for you to move on because that is real negative feedback.

Last edited by rdos on 25 Jul 2015, 2:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I am not playing hard to get. I have actually asked him out to dinner and he didn't understand that I was asking him on a date. He thought I was concerned he couldn't feed himself.

I am pretty sure he knows I am interested in him, but he hasn't figured out what he wants to do about it yet. I have known him a little over a year and I think he just doesn't trust me yet. He's making progress. I am not playing games with him. I have let him know I like him without trying to put any pressure on him. He's just not there yet.