Whether to become a parent or not

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I think one of the most important things to consider when making a choice to be a parent or not is rarely discussed and that is whether or not you can provide for the emotional/intellectual well-being and development of children.

I think that question is much more important to answer. The children are the most important part of the equations not your own wants or feelings, if you don't think you can then you really shouldn't even consider it. There is some argument to be made that as part of a partnership your own weaknesses can be compensated for, but depending on your deficiencies that can be asking a lot of a person.

If it's not something you feel you can do, or something you don't feel the desire to do, than you should not do it.

^Well that's the funny thing. I always enjoy spending time with kids. We seem to have a good natural dynamic and they seem to like me but I am worried that the energy I put into and get out of the little time I do get to spend with kids is largely down to the novelty factor and that once it is part of the hum drum of daily life at home it will become tiresome (in the literal sense of the word). There is no way to find out experimentally unless the kids are not my biological kids. I also think that knowing I have a legitimate out due to the non-relatedness of the kids will actually help to make the positive dynamic succeed (since I will not be under so much pressure) which may seem counterintuitive to folk who have their own biological kids and feel that genetic tie but that is the way I instinctively feel about the potential situation.

ASD mother to 4 kids weighing in...

Reasons Not To Have Kids:

1) I have to agree with jkrane about the world being a s**thole. I always knew the world was a s**thole, but it started to bother me a lot more after the first kid was born, and exponentially more with the birth of each successive kid. It always upset me, but with kids to leave the world to, I have a serious tendency to perseverate on the issue. That's painful, terrifying, and despair-inducing. Sometimes I pet their heads while they sleep and sob over the mess they're going to inherit, then stay up all night on the computer trying to find property that's remote enough to make them safe and large enough to leave each child a sustainable self-reliant farm capable of supporting a family (not to mention trying to figure out how to induce my engineer husband to want to move there). It's a little bit psycho, TBH.

2) They are a lot of work and a huge amount of emotional investment if you're wired to give a s**t about them (you seem to be). It's too big a job to take on to satisfy someone else. It's such a big job that the only reason in the world to take it on is the desire to do it. If you don't WANT to do it and ENJOY doing it, it's going to suck you dry. I get completely worn out sometimes and don't want to be Mommy any more right at that moment, and I wanted this more ardently than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I LOVE this job. It's challenging and fun and pleases me. It plays into special interests I've had since puberty (I'm 37) and fills up my tank/replenishes my spoons/whatever-- and it STILL wears me out and sometimes I need to be Not-Mommy for a few hours before I can do it again. I think it would be absolutely soul-sucking if it wasn't something you wanted.

3) Other people. It might be better for a guy. From a woman's perspective, having kids opens you up to an endless stream of other people's opinions, shoulds, shouldn'ts, ought-tos, musts, and general value judgments. I absolutely f*****g HATE that aspect of parenting. I struggle with it; even after 14 years as a mother, I still have panic attacks and meltdowns over it. I don't know if there are "Daddy Wars" or not, but "Mommy Wars" are a major energy sink even if you make a concerted effort to choose not to participate.


Reasons To Have Kids:

1) If you like kids (and aren't generally pushed into meltdown mode by blood, poop, pee, puke, snot, chaos, screaming, whining, clinging, and general invasion of your personal space), they're actually an amazingly large amount of fun, fulfillment, pleasure, and joy. I could lose almost anything else-- even my hubby, or my friends, or end up living in a tent somewhere, although all those things would be horribly difficult and painful-- and still persevere and take joy in life if my kids were there and I had any confidence whatever in my ability to continue to care for them. Remove the kids, and life is no longer worth living. NOTE: You do not expect or demand of them that they supply you with those things. You just care for them and play with them and teach them and let them grow, and it HAPPENS. Like, by magic or something. You do your job, and you get this-- IF, and ONLY IF, you organically like kids anyway.

That's really it. Right now, anyway, that's the only actual GOOD REASON I can think of to have them.

Continuation of genetic material isn't a good enough reason. There's plenty of human genome running around the planet; despite the eugenicists' best efforts, there's plenty of genetic diversity too.

Satisfying a relationship partner in the interest of continuing the relationship really isn't a good enough reason. REALLY, SERIOUSLY isn't a good enough reason. If you don't want to deal with the experience of parenting, that's not going to work out well. Hunt up Elkclan and ask her how that plays out. Not well. Wanting kids/not wanting kids is a deal-breaker-- and it should be. If you're strongly in one camp or the other, it's not something you should compromise on against your deeply held wishes and/or better judgment.

Parenting isn't the utterly self-sacrificing, soul-sucking, sh***y nightmare it gets made out to be. There is self-sacrifice involved, to be sure, and plenty of it; however it is not a black-and-white, either/or, utter and complete proposition. I have FOUR, and I'm the MOTHER (SAHM at that), and I have managed to hang onto enough shreds of myself to satisfy me (although not without coming under fire for it and not without some guilt). I have my interests, I have my life, I have my space and my time...

...and my kids also get healthy meals (most of the time-- I have been known to let the side down and serve up canned chicken noodle soup, ramen, or mac'n'cheese with nary a vegetable in sight) and playtime with Mommy, and my house gets clean(ish) (for a given value of clean, where "clean" equals "not unsanitary or hazardous and you can find stuff for the most part"), and my spouse gets attention (though perhaps not as much or as undivided as he would like). I know where they are, and they get loved and supervised and disciplined and interacted with in both a structured and an unstructured manner, and they get fed and bathed and doctored and homeworked, and they appear to be thriving...

...but of course until they're grown-ups looking back on their childhoods, the jury remains out on how I've done as a mother. Unless I manage to do something completely horrific anyway (hopefully I won't).

Final note: Obviously you want to do a "good job" if you're going to raise kids. You want to get up each day and give it your best. This is a human life, not something to half-ass. But perfectionism in parenting is a soul-crushing, joy-sucking, relationship-destroying, mental-health-shattering KILLER. Perfectionism in parenting is the worst mistake I have made as a mother (and I've made it TWICE). Obviously you want to give it your best-- but perfectionism is the enemy of your best. This is one job you are GOING to screw up at, at least sometimes. Nobody gets everything perfect every waking moment for 18 years straight-- and this is one job in which the definition of "perfect" is both subjective and constantly in flux. If you don't think you can hold perfectionism at bay (or at least beat the bastard back repeatedly), don't parent.

pointing up to BuyerBeware: what she said

Mojorising,

A lot of the pros and cons have already been discussed so I won't repeat them, ultimately it is your decision. However, it may be worth considering that the 'non-biological' option could be less straightforward than it initially appears. If you spend a period of time acting as the child's father you will almost inevitably develop some form of emotional tie with each other and (without knowing the full legal situation in your location) may find you have few rights in the event of the relationship with the mother later breaking down, which could potentially cause significant heartache for both you and the child.

My (NT) fiancee and I tried to have kids for several months, then we realized there was some sort of problem. We did about 4 IUI (intrauterine insemination) cycles which failed, then we did an IVF cycle which has failed, and are close to the end of our next one....which isn't looking great. I'm not trolling sympathy, but I wanted you to know the background when I say "Trying and not succeeding can be devastating."

I have lived all my life with ASD without knowing what it was. I realized a few months ago, but haven't been formally diagnosed (that's a whole other forum I think). Living with this elephant in front of me for 36 years without even knowing its name has really taught me to be an expert at doubting myself. Hopefully you are better adjusted than I am, because this experience (almost 2 years trying and about $50,000 spent) has left blisters on my soul.

Just know that even the attempt to produce a child can be a trying (and potentially bottomless) experience. I know I don't like surprises, especially really nasty ones. This can be just that. I never wanted kids because my dad was an insensitive pri**, so I promised myself I wouldn't have my own until I was ready and could show my child the attention they need and deserve. It turns out I may have taken a bit too long, and now it may be too late. We still have options (this cycle may still land us a lovely little pink critter), but we have exhausted most of our savings with nothing to show for it.