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idlewild
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11 Aug 2015, 6:35 pm

So I've been seeing this guy for months. He's awesome and I really love him. But I'm doing the whole hyper-analyze thing trying to understand him and make sure I don't come off as Aspie (I told him early on). It's exhausting.

Occasionally he says really hurtful things, and when I explain that I'm upset and why he never apologizes or even acknowledges that I'm upset. He just looks confused, admits to being rude, and we move on. And he doesn't seem to ever see things from my perspective. Like I walk or bus everywhere, and he has a car. He wants to park the car at my apartment and walk 1/2 mile uphill to an ice cream store on a hot, humid day when he knows I just walked home from work.

Last weekend he was really rude to me on a date, texting instead of paying attention to me, insisting I bicycle when I was barefoot, and then ending the date early after I'd already told him I was really excited to spend time with him. I told him I was upset and he broke up with me rather than apologize. He still wanted to be friends but his efforts to do so were really rude. I didn't understand why he was being cruel to me, and then it suddenly clicked and I asked if he was on the spectrum.

He is, and I'd spent so much time trying to mitigate my autistic tendencies I didn't notice his. I thought he was NT and couldn't wrap my head around how he could be so thoughtlessly mean to me out of nowhere.

Once I knew all my anger melted away and I saw that we had been communicating badly this whole time. It could have been better if I'd known early on (he thought he told me). His cruelty was just really stupid awkward s**t that it didn't occur to him as being offensive.

Now I want him back and I don't know how to begin. We are going on a trip this weekend with friends and we're going to be alone in a car for four hours. I could use some help. I've never dated someone on the spectrum before. How do I repair this?


_________________
"My personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair." - Steel Magnolias

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 159 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 75 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


kraftiekortie
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11 Aug 2015, 6:41 pm

Frankly, there are better guys out there.

If you "take him back," he will continue to be rude like he has been previously.

What makes you really like this guy?



idlewild
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11 Aug 2015, 7:02 pm

My dating history suggests otherwise.

He's funny, kind, and easy to be with. I can be affectionate and sweet with him. We have a lot of common interests.

The night he was rude to me I think he just needed time alone to recharge but didn't cancel our date. And the stuff he says is just stupid, like telling me he usually prefers thinner women right after a date. Or saying beer makes you fat when my friends and I all have just gotten a second pint.

The last thing he said that made me angry was that he wanted us to be each other's wingmen at singles events, right after he dumped me. He saw a Facebook post I made asking for advice and help with dating, and he just assumed that since we were still friends he should offer to help, even though he broke up with me two days earlier.


_________________
"My personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair." - Steel Magnolias

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 159 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 75 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


ProfessorJohn
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11 Aug 2015, 7:05 pm

I kind of have to agree with Kraftie on this one. He doesn't sound like that nice of a guy, whether he is on the spectrum or not. I think you could do better.



idlewild
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11 Aug 2015, 7:11 pm

Well, that's just depressing. This is the best and longest relationship I've had in 10 years.


_________________
"My personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair." - Steel Magnolias

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 159 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 75 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


Stargazer43
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11 Aug 2015, 7:24 pm

Everything you posted makes him sound like a total jerk. I mean, he dumped you and then asked you to help him pick up other women...how much lower can you go?



SilverStar
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11 Aug 2015, 7:25 pm

He said rude and hurtful things to you, doesn't understand you, broke up with you over petty stuff, and even wants you to be his "wingman" to help him find other women, and you believe you are the one who screwed up in this relationship? If it were me, I wouldn't waste my time with him anymore, Aspie, or not.



kraftiekortie
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11 Aug 2015, 7:30 pm

You can go from Idlewild to Kennedy by finding a better guy!

Seriously: I understand you've got feelings for the guy. I should have been more sensitive to that. It would be nice, though, if he would change just a little bit to compromise with you.



idlewild
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11 Aug 2015, 8:06 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Seriously: I understand you've got feelings for the guy. I should have been more sensitive to that. It would be nice, though, if he would change just a little bit to compromise with you.


That's why I'm here. We've agreed to talk and I need to figure out how to explain this all to him. He's been a bit sheltered and hasn't had to do some of the work the rest of us have. He's recently divorced and doesn't understand why. He's bewildered, and even more confused since I stopped being angry once I learned he was on the spectrum because then the odd behavior suddenly made sense.

He's 39. He's not a young dude, and all of this is impacting him in a way it hasn't before because he was married for 15 years. Now he's making new relationships and making mistakes and confused.

And 99.9% of the time he's wonderful. I wouldn't be in love with him if he wasn't.


_________________
"My personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair." - Steel Magnolias

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 159 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 75 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


GreenPandaLord
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11 Aug 2015, 8:26 pm

It sounds like he just needs time. And it also sounds like you could do with some space as well to allow things the best chance of working out. When I break up or am dumped my anxiety and depression go haywire to the point where I end up making it worse by trying to explane my motives, when the best option is to give them space and take time to be you. When you meet with him let it happen, don't try to force the situation. It is going to be ok and it will work out in the end even if it is not as you or him hoped. I hope this helps. And hang in there. It gets easyer with time.


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mahendar
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18 Aug 2015, 1:41 am

Yes agree with you greenpanda, looks like he need some more time to express his feelings.let him take time and don't force him.



idlewild
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18 Aug 2015, 2:23 am

Well, after happily having sex with me for months he told me he isn't physically attracted to me. In other words, I'm too fat for him.

This was after he went on a vacation I paid for.

His feelings are pretty shallow and obvious, and a reply to this dormant thread right after he tells me I'm not attractive to him is rather suspicious.


_________________
"My personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair." - Steel Magnolias

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 159 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 75 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


Spiderpig
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18 Aug 2015, 3:07 am

idlewild wrote:
Well, after happily having sex with me for months he told me he isn't physically attracted to me. In other words, I'm too fat for him.

This was after he went on a vacation I paid for.

His feelings are pretty shallow and obvious, and a reply to this dormant thread right after he tells me I'm not attractive to him is rather suspicious.


Sounds like he's being very straightforward indeed. He wants you for casual sex and for getting free vacations at your expense, but you're not up to his physical standards for any kind of relationship that would involve respecting you. And you still want to be with him, so why would he change his attitude? Why respect someone when you can afford to abuse them?


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idlewild
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Joined: 21 Nov 2011
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Location: Minneapolis, MN, USA

18 Aug 2015, 3:09 am

Yeah, it's done. He's a pig.


_________________
"My personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair." - Steel Magnolias

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 159 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 75 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


GreenPandaLord
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18 Aug 2015, 3:16 am

Im sorry to hear that it ended the way it did. I have been in similar situations and it's hard, but you will find someone who will go head over heels for you, and who you won't have to worry about offending, but who will love you for who you are. If there is anything we can do to help just let us know.


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"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth."
Arthur Conan Doyle