Aspergirls, do guys approach you?

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So often in this subforum I hear statements from males along the lines of "girls don't need to do anything, guys will just approach them", without any caveats like "most girls" or "NT girls" or "hot girls" or "friendly girls" or anything else.

Apart from when I've been in bars or clubs (where the aim of interaction is usually to hook up, not to start a relationship), I can't recall many times at all when a guy has "just approached me". I can think of one, when I was in high school, so I'll round up and say there have been perhaps five occasions in my life. It's just not something that happens to me as a normal way of things.

So, aspergirls, do you concur with the statement that "you don't need to do anything, guys will just approach you" when it comes to dating and relationships?

No, guys generally don't approach me. I'm married now and not looking to date but when I was single it was my experience that men were not that interested in me. I had relationships but I was always the one to initiate (and I tended to be too intense and got rejected a lot). When I asked other women why they thought this was the case, they told me that attractive women who are assertive and smart tend to be intimidating to men. I guess this explanation makes sense since growing up I got a lot of compliments on my appearance but was generally unsuccessful with the menfolk. Most men are not very attractive to me though; I have to be with someone around whom I can be myself. Most people (male or female) don't appreciate eccentricity and I want to be valued rather than regarded as a "weirdo".

When I was at school and college nobody ever approached me. I later found out that some guys did like me, but I totally didn't notice it and they didn't approach me because they were afraid of what I might say to them, meaning I was very blunt and honest and often seen as rude. As an adult, I often missed it when someone was trying to ask me out or liked me so someone might be chatting me up for 30 minutes and I wouldn't get it until someone else said, 'he's hitting on you.' Then I'd say, 'Oh. Oh, no thanks.' Every relationship I've ever had (other than this one - I'm married) started from a drunken meeting, when I was much more talkative and friendly. So I would say guys probably never approached me because I wasn't approachable or when they have, I've just not realised.

girls don't need to do anything, guys will just approach them.

Yes, yes, you are very funny.

Some women are approached by men, some men are approached by women. The intricacies of gender roles and mate selection defy simple generalizations. Perhaps it is comforting to project a monolithic vision of women but doing so leaves out the experiences of many women. It is also, I think, far less interesting.

Why, thank you.

Yes, I have to agree, for the most part. Guys will just approach girls. At least, that has been my experience.

In my experience, I think being different than other women has actually *increased* the amount guys approach me compared to other women. I truly think I am less intimidating to men than most NT women. I don't really know other Aspie women, but if the ones I suspect might be are, they are all married or have been married. So, no problems getting relationships there, either.

It's not that I've never been outspoken or tried to initiate a relationship with a guy. And it's not like every guy who approached me was someone I was romantically interested in. But, I've had a LOT of guys over the years approach me.

I am something of a "guy magnet". I have not been romantically involved with most of the guys I've known, but I have always had an easier time being friends with guys (more than girls) all my life. Even now, although I'm married, 70% of the people I talk to on a regular basis are male - and most initiate the conversation.

The guys who wanted to be more than friends made it clear, even the shy ones.

The problem for me until I met my husband was that the ones who I was romantically interested in were not romantically interested in me, and vice versa.

I just want to say that I cannot *explain* why I have always had guys talk to me. I just know it is something that has always been.

I was a tomboy when I was young, and spent a lot of time hanging out with my dad. I can talk "guy speak". I don't wear make up. I think I am attractive enough, but not "gorgeous" or even "very pretty". I don't dress to impress or even to attract (and never have.) I have been called "one of the guys" by more than one guy friend that had no romantic interest in me.

I went to a bar for the first time a couple of years ago to hear a specific band play. I've never been to a dance club. All the guys I ever talked to were from school, church, work, or some kind of social club thing. (Mostly the first three, since I don't really *do* the social club thing.) Even at family gatherings, my husband's male cousins talk to me more than his aunts or female cousins. Go figure.

They do.

I was approached by:
- a high school classmate (I went on a date and prom with him, after the prom he pretended he never asked me out for some reason...)
- a college classmate (I was in love with a girl then and he was not my type anyway so I refused)
- a guy in MMOgame (we were in long range relationship for a few months but he become annoying so I dumped him)
- a guy from dating website (we are friends now, although he probably still has a crush on me)

and most recently(yesterday):

- a current classmate (but he doesn't seem reliable enough - he was 30 mins late when we met because he looked at a wrong bus schedule, good thing he at least texted me about it. And we seem to speak different language - we misunderstand a lot of what the other says, I take what he says literally and he puts in my mouth words I never said or meant.)

Approach or be approached is just a first step - and while it is indeed easier when you don't have to do it this is where the advantage ends. There is still a personality clash afterwards that brings the most problems.

Guys do approach me from time to time. It happened twice in the last month. And I'm not a "hot girl". Some people find me pretty but most of them find me average looking.
One of the guys who hit on me told me he thought he had a shot because I was smiling a lot. So maybe that's the secret.

I don't consider myself to be an unattractive guy yet:

I've only been approached for a date by ONE girl...and she turned out to be a Jesus Freak. I'm 54; this happened when I was 17.

I've had to do all the initiating.

Here's a possible exception: when I was 23, I answered an ad (so I initiated!). She dragged me into her apartment, and practically "raped" me LOL She was rather forceful.

That's hardly "being unsuccessful". They knew better than to approach you, which means you did a good job of getting accross the message that they had no chance with you and would only make fools of themselves. Women who are always complaining how annoying it is to be approached by unworthy suitors probably wish they had that skill.

I think I've read similar things about smiling. I don't generally smile a lot and I am a bit standoffish.

http://www.businessinsider.com/ways-wom ... ve-2014-10

Well, but it resulted in me being sexually frustrated and lonely. I'm sure a lot of the guys who didn't approach me because I was scary would not have been appealing to me but that does not mean there weren't guys that I might have gotten along with who simply saw me as being cold and standoffish. I'm very guarded around people I don't know well and I'm entirely different around people who I know and trust. I tend to act a lot sillier and cuter (basically I let myself be autistic).

If it wasn't consensual then it was rape. If that's what happened then that's a horrible thing for her to have done.

He sounds he enjoyed this 'rape'.