Soo.. input?

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Okay so I've been thinking for a while whether to post or not.. This is my first post and a long one at that..
Well I'm going to see a psychologist sometime soonish for the first time in my life and my friends says I should make a list to show to make it easier if what to discuss. The reason I'm going to see one is because for the longest time my doctors ever since I was a little kid said I was adhd and depressed yet my doctor now says there seems to be more to it than just that.

So I made a list and I'm scared to show it.. I'm afraid they'll like put me in a crazy home. :c

It's a pretty big list and this is how it's been for my mind ever since I could remember, nothing ever helped me growing up so what the schools suggested was ask for a certain medicine that well made me stoned my whole childhood so I basically lost out on a childhood.

* I have anxiety issues about strangers and people unless it's online.
* sounds and vision become too much and I'll twitch or feel like I lose control of my hands.
* I rip my shirts still and have since I was a little kid.
* I have nightmares constantly, I used to have night terrors as a child but those stopped.
* I lock myself in the bathroom questioning if I should just kill myself and clawing my arms out of hatred for how my mind is, this would be the depression symptom doctors thought, but that usually happens AFTER I lose control of my mind.
* I go into depressive episodes that lasts from hours to days because I don't know how to control my mind and stop all that stupid twitching that my parents mock me over, it hurts when you guys do that because I can't control it. Like right now I don't really care, I'm glad to be alive, I don't wanna die and I don't feel depressed.
* I have huge issues with communicating, so I either say "I don't know" or just go silent and agree with whatever is said after a few delayed seconds for some reason.
* I go mute from time to time usually out of sorrow and hating myself because I'm not good enough so I get yelled at and told mean things and threatened by my step dad (This has been going for a few years since I moved.)
* There are times when I seem to lack empathy and hate myself later for doing it and making myself depressed.
* I have issues with OCD, clothing ripping fidgeting a lot, etc
* I breakdown easily with the slightest amount of stress, or if there's too much going on around me. Like at the grocery store or even ihop with little to no people can be too much for me.
* I need to take things in small doses otherwise I breakdown, like cleaning my room earlier, I had to take breaks because it felt too much even though it wasn't for a "normal" person.
* I need to stop being compared to other peoples kids because it makes me feel worse about myself, my "step dad" often does this, that and says how sad I am and how I need to act my age and "get over it".
* I can't help when I look angry even if I'm not, I don't mean too.
* I can't help pacing or talking to myself just to keep myself calm.
* I have issues reading other people which is why I try so hard to learn to read them.
* I have issues with being pigeon-toed, always tripping, but I walk on my toes at home and it seems to give me more balance, or comfort, idk
* I lose control over my body and mind feels like it's on overdrive if there's too much going on around me.
* I have little to no friends and don't get out of the house.
* When I was younger I never had friends my age.
* My friends now are all online except for three of them, most of them are younger than me or like me.
* I can't just "calm down" when my parents ask me too (Isolation helps usually, I'll go to my room and watch something calming to distract my mind.)
* I suck with eye contact, it gets far worse when I'm losing control.
* I'm too quiet when I speak, I get told I mumble all the time.
* I have big issues with change, I tend to freak out a lot more if something is different, like a new restaurant.
* People call me a sociopath at times and it hurts because I know I'm not one, I just have issues with understanding people

I already had my blood drawn because my doctor requested that before I see a psych, results are normal with my blood tests.

An example when I started to lose control of my mind would be in the lobby waiting to get my blood taken

When going to get my blood taken, sitting in the lobby it felt my mind was on overdrive, there was so much happening even though everyone was just basically sitting there, so many people, all the noises of people talking, bags crinkling, papers shifting, the children shaking chairs, I was having issues talking to mother when she asked me to go up to the desk when the lady called my name, I couldn't focus, my mind was everywhere and I was trying to stay calm but when mom said "You're acting like a baby" because I couldn't say anything and kept fidgeting, I got angry and then felt even worse, I did start to calm down once I saw the wifi thing on my phone, opened pandora and used music to drown everything out, closed my eyes, listening to classical music and calming stuff like kotos and wind chimes, I absolutely love the sounds of wind chimes and a piano.
I usually have to bring my headphones everywhere because I've learned that music calms me down, not anything like rock or techno because it only makes my mind worse, it needs to be slow and calming but loud enough to drown out the sounds, I close my eyes it helps me easier so I don't notice as many things happening still.

If I'm at home and I'm able to control before I freak out I head to my room, shut my door, watch something mindless like Paw Patrol or play games that don't take effort, because of this reason I had to quit counter strike due to the stress and loudness of people that tend to play it.

It's the same thing usually anywhere for me though, except it doesn't help when I'm told "You're acting like a baby" "Grow a pair" "Be a man" "Grow up" "Get over it"

I also have issues with doing my chores and get yelled at and threatened a lot because I "half ass" and don't do a perfect job, my step dad will threaten to kick me out, he'll turn the power off to my room completely which doesn't help because I still just do the same I'd do.
The only time I'm able to do things properly for some reason is if mom writes them down, but she doesn't put too much on the list for me, my step dad absolutely hates that and says "It's sad that your mommy has to write a list for you, set reminders for yourself"
It's not that I forget, it's just like my body shuts down to protect itself if I feel too much pressure and stress, like there are times I can't even handle hooking up the wii without having a fit I guess..

But yeah.. this is basically what I want to show my psych.. dunno if I should remove anything because I don't want to be sent to a crazy home D:

I think it's a good idea to have a list of all the problems you are having and to share it with the psychologist. That way the psychologist will hopefully be able to help you better. Also, your step-dad sounds horrible. I hope it all goes well and you get the right help.

I definitely think you should leave everything in.

Don't be worried about being sent to a "crazy home"--the psychologist needs a complete picture of what your mind is like so he/she can help you in the correct way.

I only listed because my best friend has aspergers and he says it would be best for me to make a list, it was nice when I lived near him, we were always able to help each other out.
My step dad... He's just different? idk, I've never had a "normal" family, I usually get told that he's abusive and a lot of his ex friends say he's a huge jerk, but I'm trapped here for now.. and mother sees nothing wrong because she usually sides with him except for that time he said I looked angry and was challenging him, the last thing I'd ever do btw, he ended up shoving me backwards over my chair.
He's also not allowed to corner me and scream in my ear as well because mom threatened to leave then, I was having issues doing my chores and he just kept screaming saying it's my rent etc. he ended up cornering me, hovering over, screaming and spitting, later that night he came to me and yelled more "You're the only reason your mother and I fight" I felt like complete trash.. I asked mom if I could stay at my friends and she basically told me to get over it and that it isn't that bad which made me feel worse, I went to my room, got my favorite stuffed animal, walked out the door because I was done, I was in tears and felt like garbage and it's all because I had troubles doing my chores, if I wasn't so "bad" at them or needing to take small breaks I could've avoided that whole night, went to my friends house and he forced me to play Halo with him. xD



I certainly hope so.. Only reason I was never admitted early is because mom would never call anyone, she would hold me down because I'd claw my arms, scream, and other stuff, my idiot doctors back then saw a recording once and they just said I was attention seeking.. I don't mean to be the way I am or feel this way, I seek "attention" because I just want to be helped. Only reason they said ADHD was because the school did. lmao

What your describing sounds like many typical meltdowns when the child is not allowed to escape the sensory overload that led to it. As for your other concerns, don't be. Nothing you've described rates hospitalization, and as long as your not self harming or actively contemplating suicide, there is no reason for them to try to place you in inpatient. On the other hand, it sounds like you've either been misdiagnosed or there are some comorbids in there and a complete and honest discussion with the therapist along with your list can lead to a much better outcome then hiding anything.

If you don't want to simply hand the list over, use it for a reference so that you can make sure you cover all the issues. I know that if I do not write down what i'm struggling with, my mind always goes blank when i'm actually facing the psych and I forget more than half of what I wanted to talk about. Not to be an armchair psychiatrist, but from my sig you can see that I have had some experience with the mental health system and I'm still alive, healthy, and employed which puts me ahead of the majority with severe mental issues.