Aspie girls What do guys do wrong?

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The_Face_of_Boo
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02 Sep 2015, 1:06 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Katy will tell you because you exist.



LOL at that! What is her current incarnation btw?


It's Tim_Tex, yeah ...she has the power to possess existing users now.



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02 Sep 2015, 4:56 pm

tombo12boar wrote:
Personally - and this is me talking about the specific culture I live in - I have believed for years that the main place Aspies fall down in flirting is the "play fighting" aspect. For example when I was at work a woman came to a male colleague and asked for the walkie-talkie, and he said "No I won't give it to you, come on make me," and she started laughing and play fighting him for the radio. I've noticed this for years. NTs flirting break tension between them with fun play-fighting and affectionate joke-insults. It wouldn't even cross my mind to say "I won't give you the radio" and make a woman play fight me for it, even if we liked each other. For over 10 years I have believed this is where AS men fall down in flirting.


I would have to agree about this one. Aspies usually take everything literally/seriously, and don't get affectionate jokes/insults...they just get mad. :oops: Some other things I have noticed, are that they can be shy and timid, and not understand social boundries and etiquette.



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02 Sep 2015, 6:28 pm

I'm a guy, but I can comment on something that was holding me back personally. I've always had pretty good success at getting dates, and even second/third dates, but after 3 or 4 I would always get told "You're a great guy, but I just don't feel any chemistry/attraction". It took me ages to realize that they weren't actually rejecting me for who I was, but because I wasn't being physical enough on the dates. I was doing the verbal part of the dates just fine, but I was clueless when it came to the nonverbal part.

Ever since I started getting more physical (casual touching/hugs/kisses), my success rate has gone way up, and I even managed to get my first kiss and first relationship quite shortly after. I'm still kind of surprised that it's such a big deal for women, since for me while it's nice, I care far less about a 5-second hug or kiss than I do about actually getting to know the person and our commonalities.



kraftiekortie
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02 Sep 2015, 7:12 pm

Good anecdote, Stargazer.

Yeah...it's true. When I was 15, I was shy. I went out with this girl. She kept on asking me? "Well....aren't you going to DO anything?" I didn't do anything--and she dumped me.

Yeah...the playfighting thing.....that's important in young NT culture. Not so much as one gets past age 25, though.



rdos
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03 Sep 2015, 3:39 am

Stargazer43 wrote:
I'm a guy, but I can comment on something that was holding me back personally. I've always had pretty good success at getting dates, and even second/third dates, but after 3 or 4 I would always get told "You're a great guy, but I just don't feel any chemistry/attraction". It took me ages to realize that they weren't actually rejecting me for who I was, but because I wasn't being physical enough on the dates. I was doing the verbal part of the dates just fine, but I was clueless when it came to the nonverbal part.


Can't see how this could be related to Aspie girls. It's clearly an issue of NT girls that expect these kind of things. I've been with neurodiverse girls for years without any physical interaction at all, and they didn't move on.

kraftiekortie wrote:
Yeah...it's true. When I was 15, I was shy. I went out with this girl. She kept on asking me? "Well....aren't you going to DO anything?" I didn't do anything--and she dumped me.


Same thing. This is an NT thing.

kraftiekortie wrote:
Yeah...the playfighting thing.....that's important in young NT culture. Not so much as one gets past age 25, though.


Playfighting is NT. There is a high probability it won't work with most neurodiverse girls.

People need to set their preferences right first. Either they want to get an NT girl, in which case they need to adapt the ways of NT guys, or they want a neurodiverse girl, in which case all the NT advice is basically worthless.



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03 Sep 2015, 4:27 am

I'll respond, but I don't have a broad enough range of experience with Aspie guys, specifically. I can tell you what some men (NT or not) do that I find off-putting or difficult to handle.

* Stereotyping/generalising groups of people. E.G. 'Woman are too picky'; 'Young people have no respect'.

* Presuming they can touch me. Some men assume they can kiss me hello/goodbye - and don't ask me first! I've had a similar problem with men touching my hair, or placing their hand on my lower back. Drives me mental! Always ask first!

* Offering unsolicited advice. Some men will try advising me on a matter, without me asking, even on subjects/situations of which I am better informed. If you feel you have good advice to offer, first ask 'Would you like my advice?'

* Gender segregation (this is something that happens more with religious types). 'Men only' and 'women only' groups are unnecessarily divisive, and people can find themselves isolated. Unless it's a sexual-abuse support group or - I dunno, 'period club', there is no need to organise events for one gender and exclude the other.

* Cat-calling. Don't do that. Ever.



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03 Sep 2015, 4:57 am

Spiderpig wrote:
No female posters yet, which I don't find surprising. Why would they tell us what we're doing wrong? If they don't like us, they don't like us. If women don't like you, the only way to succeed at attracting them is to deceive them. Why would they want to help us do that? Better let us stay honest about our undesirability and therefore rightly single and celibate.


I thought about posting...than it occurred to me I'm autistic so what I think autistic guys are 'doing wrong' as far as getting relationships could be totally off and thus misleading advice. I mean I don't see much interest in autistic females from guys here. So I figure my advice of what is being done wrong or right about dating an autistic female such as myself would be useless and irrelevant here.

Also if a woman doesn't like you, well they aren't the only woman in the world....and who is this us and we, are you smeagol/gollum from LOTR? or are you claiming to speak for all autistic males or something?


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The_Face_of_Boo
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03 Sep 2015, 5:11 am

Yesssss My precioussss


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Sweetleaf
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03 Sep 2015, 1:56 pm

Ok I will put a list of things guys have done wrong when dating me:
-not being clear of their intentions
-acting like having a girlfriend is separate from your life and not really inviting her into said life
-Being overbearingly clingy, like the boyfriend I had in highschool...for that it couldn't work I just cannot have someone always making physical contact.
-catering to a psycho sounding ex, to see the baby you had with her(the baby and psycho ex was not mentioned until after we made it official we were 'dating'). I really did like this guy a lot but that complicated things, far too much.
-also apparently sex on the first date is problematic....I guess that can translate to if you're mostly looking for sex, say so...don't act like you're looking for a girlfriend unless that is what you are looking for.

So yeah just a couple things I've run into that I see as 'doing it wrong' but I cannot say what neurotype the guys I've dated are, most have seemed neurotypical and some have had sort of autism like traits, not sure if actually on the spectrum though.


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03 Sep 2015, 2:13 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
It's Tim_Tex, yeah ...she has the power to possess existing users now.

She can possess me any time she wants. :wink:



kraftiekortie
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03 Sep 2015, 3:23 pm

I think there is at least some interest in autistic girls on the part of autistic guys on this Site.



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03 Sep 2015, 3:32 pm

I'm an old lady, but I have dated quite a few aspie and NT guys in my day ... and I believe I am fairly forgiving and open-minded.

But the kiss of death for two of my (probably) aspie boyfriends wasn't about relationship finesse, it was about really basic aspie booboos ....

- Having a meltdown and shouting in my face when I was on my way to the hospital for an operation.

- And having poopie pants.

Dropping them was a pretty easy decision.



kraftiekortie
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03 Sep 2015, 3:42 pm

I agree with that, Maude :wink:

Poopie pants really have a way of turning off women.

And the abject selfishness you speak of---extremely rare, even amongst Aspies.

You're only six year older than me--you're not an "old lady!"



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03 Sep 2015, 4:23 pm

I told my Aspie friend this:
Learn about NT female emotional needs. On the other Aspie site you would see NT females complaining about their Aspie bf's and husbands not fulfilling their "emotional" needs. Aspie men have a problem understanding this because it has to do with "feelings" which brings "closeness". Nothing logical about it. And it's done in ways that Aspie men are uncomfortable with - eye contact, touching, cuddling, SMALL TALK. That's how NT women connect. Without it, I can't tell you how lonely it is and it is a NEED. If we don't get it, we get very depressed. I'm not even seeing my Aspie friend in person, but its very hard to have a close friendship with him. I can tell he's always holding back. He's not good with small talk. Everything with him is logical. When I brought up to him about fulfilling NT female emotional needs, he wanted a definition. It's a "feeling" And cant be defined. Facial expressions and body language come into it too. Spending quality time listening is a big thing - not doing another activity while listening. He said he would learn more about emotional needs of women. And doing things that don't make sense comes into it too - celebrating Valentines Day, anniversaries, birthdays, etc. Its the thought that gives us the warm, fuzzy feelings and makes us feel closer to the other person.


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03 Sep 2015, 5:09 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
I thought about posting...than it occurred to me I'm autistic so what I think autistic guys are 'doing wrong' as far as getting relationships could be totally off and thus misleading advice. I mean I don't see much interest in autistic females from guys here.


And how did you expect to see it? I can't recall anyone saying they were interested only in neurotypicals.

Sweetleaf wrote:
Also if a woman doesn't like you, well they aren't the only woman in the world


No, but why would she advise me on how to ... what exactly? How to make her like me? But she doesn't like me, so what would be the point? Why would she help me deceive her?

Sweetleaf wrote:
....and who is this us and we, are you smeagol/gollum from LOTR? or are you claiming to speak for all autistic males or something?


The OP's question is about those of us who don't succeed at dating, so those are the "us". I never claimed to speak for all autistic males, so it'd be nice if you didn't try to put things in my mouth to make me look bad. I find it hard to believe you didn't understand just fine what I meant.


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03 Sep 2015, 5:49 pm

Stargazer43 wrote:
It took me ages to realize that they weren't actually rejecting me for who I was, but because I wasn't being physical enough on the dates. I was doing the verbal part of the dates just fine, but I was clueless when it came to the nonverbal part.

Ever since I started getting more physical (casual touching/hugs/kisses), my success rate has gone way up, and I even managed to get my first kiss and first relationship quite shortly after. I'm still kind of surprised that it's such a big deal for women, since for me while it's nice, I care far less about a 5-second hug or kiss than I do about actually getting to know the person and our commonalities.


So the spontaneous-touch rule again. They want you to get physical without knowing whether they'll welcome it, thus taking the risk of being declared a sex offender and punished as one, depending solely on the woman's whim.

Good luck trying that with one who shares Inle's sentiment.

Inle wrote:
Presuming they can touch me. Some men assume they can kiss me hello/goodbye - and don't ask me first! I've had a similar problem with men touching my hair, or placing their hand on my lower back. Drives me mental! Always ask first!


I guess you just can't win.


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