Aspie girls What do guys do wrong?

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nurseangela
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03 Sep 2015, 6:34 pm

An Example.

I've been very sick the last several weeks. I was texting with my Aspie friend on Sunday and I had felt short of breath the whole day and it was just getting worse when we were talking. I finally said "I think I should go to the ER because I just can't catch my breath." He said "Maybe you should. Keep me posted." I was at one of my most scared times in my life and not able to breathe and he said to "keep him posted". To me, it sounded like a business transaction. I'll keep him posted. How about saying something like he'll be there waiting to hear how I am or some words of concern. All this week that I've still been ill (I went to the ER on Sunday) no word from him at all. You know it's times like this when really bad things happen and you expect people to be there for you and he hasn't been. His Ma passed out and he texted me because he was worried and I was there the whole time for him and told him to text or even call me at anytime day or night and I'd be there (when I was sick myself!) That's what a REAL friendship is. That's what I mean by having emotional needs met. He didn't pass. He said he doesn't want anyone who is "selfish". Gee, that sounds exactly like the way he's been acting.


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Peacesells
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03 Sep 2015, 7:18 pm

nurseangela wrote:
He said he doesn't want anyone who is "selfish". Gee, that sounds exactly like the way he's been acting.

What does he mean with selfish, and was he referring to you? I'm sorry if you're still ill anyway, get well.



kraftiekortie
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03 Sep 2015, 7:32 pm

Angela is saying that the guy has been cold. He said "keep me posted," which might seem cold to some. He hasn't written to her since she went to the ER--that does seem cold.

Angela, on the other hand, was more "there" for the guy. When the guy's mother passed out, Angela was with the guy. She even offered to answer the phone when he called.

So, Angela feels like she is investing more in the relationship than the guy. It's quite possible that this is true.



Sweetleaf
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03 Sep 2015, 11:49 pm

Spiderpig wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
I thought about posting...than it occurred to me I'm autistic so what I think autistic guys are 'doing wrong' as far as getting relationships could be totally off and thus misleading advice. I mean I don't see much interest in autistic females from guys here.


And how did you expect to see it? I can't recall anyone saying they were interested only in neurotypicals.

Sweetleaf wrote:
Also if a woman doesn't like you, well they aren't the only woman in the world


No, but why would she advise me on how to ... what exactly? How to make her like me? But she doesn't like me, so what would be the point? Why would she help me deceive her?

Sweetleaf wrote:
....and who is this us and we, are you smeagol/gollum from LOTR? or are you claiming to speak for all autistic males or something?


The OP's question is about those of us who don't succeed at dating, so those are the "us". I never claimed to speak for all autistic males, so it'd be nice if you didn't try to put things in my mouth to make me look bad. I find it hard to believe you didn't understand just fine what I meant.


You assume too much....either way that is why i didn't initially post cause usually these threads are looking for 'how to get with a neurotypical or normal person advice.


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Peacesells
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04 Sep 2015, 12:44 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
You assume too much....either way that is why i didn't initially post cause usually these threads are looking for 'how to get with a neurotypical or normal person advice.

It's not that, it's just that most girls are NT. One can always give avvices about getting a ND woman.



Spiderpig
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04 Sep 2015, 1:34 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
You assume too much....


Care to point out how?, because I usually go out of my way to avoid assumptions and to explain why I say anything, though you don't seem to read it before throwing your offhand accusations.

Sweetleaf wrote:
either way that is why i didn't initially post cause usually these threads are looking for 'how to get with a neurotypical or normal person advice.


I still haven't seen any evidence that anyone is only interested in neurotypicals, not the least because I am certainly interested in aspies, too. It looks like you are the one who likes to assume things instead of actually trying to understand what others say.


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Agemaki
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04 Sep 2015, 2:51 am

-It can take a long time to find a partner; don't be deterred by past rejections. See them as learning opportunities.
-Remember that romantic relationships are not something that anyone owes you. Respect other people's boundaries. (And expect the same from them.)
-Communicate clearly and make a point of letting your partner know how you feel.
-Make a point of encouraging your partner to communicate with you. Work on finding a method of communication that works for both partners.
-Do not assume that someone's gender can be used as shorthand for explaining their feelings or behavior. People are individuals.



Spiderpig
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04 Sep 2015, 3:12 am

Agemaki wrote:
Respect other people's boundaries. (And expect the same from them.)


If my meagre life experience means anything, I've been taught right since I started school as a little boy that expecting others to respect my boundaries is simply wrong. They won't respect any boundary I try to enforce because I can't enforce them effectively, as they showed me time and time again by bullying me. You only earn respect by proving you're stronger than them and that it's you who can beat them up, not vice-versa. If they're stronger than you, they have absolutely no reason or need to respect you.

I know it's different with females, because using male strength against them is dishonorable, even in self-defense.

Anyway, I don't think everybody can afford the luxury of expecting others to respect their boundaries. The closest I've managed to come is to stay away from other people as much as I can.


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314pe
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04 Sep 2015, 3:19 am

Agemaki wrote:
-It can take a long time to find a partner; don't be deterred by past rejections. See them as learning opportunities.

What if I learned from those rejections that I'm unworthy of being loved?



Inle
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04 Sep 2015, 4:17 am

Spiderpig wrote:
Stargazer43 wrote:
It took me ages to realize that they weren't actually rejecting me for who I was, but because I wasn't being physical enough on the dates. I was doing the verbal part of the dates just fine, but I was clueless when it came to the nonverbal part.

Ever since I started getting more physical (casual touching/hugs/kisses), my success rate has gone way up, and I even managed to get my first kiss and first relationship quite shortly after. I'm still kind of surprised that it's such a big deal for women, since for me while it's nice, I care far less about a 5-second hug or kiss than I do about actually getting to know the person and our commonalities.


So the spontaneous-touch rule again. They want you to get physical without knowing whether they'll welcome it, thus taking the risk of being declared a sex offender and punished as one, depending solely on the woman's whim.

Good luck trying that with one who shares Inle's sentiment.

Inle wrote:
Presuming they can touch me. Some men assume they can kiss me hello/goodbye - and don't ask me first! I've had a similar problem with men touching my hair, or placing their hand on my lower back. Drives me mental! Always ask first!


I guess you just can't win.


If you are spontaneously doing things that could get you charged as a sex offender, without asking first, you are doing it wrong by anyone's standards :roll:. My examples were men kissing me without asking, or touching my hair/back, none of which would get you 'punished' as a 'sex offender' even if the contact was unwanted. You can win. You can ask, or you can try something innocuous like briefly touching their hand/arm and gauging their reaction. Hopefully they will be confident enough to tell you if they are uncomfortable, unfortunately women recieve a lot of backlash simply for not acquiescing to men's every desire. :|

Also, stargazer's example was about how to behave on DATES, which is a different context, so the rules are somewhat different. I was talking more generally: work environments, strangers in supermarkets, social groups etc. If I am on a date with someone, then I am already reasonably comfortable with them.



Jacoby
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04 Sep 2015, 2:25 pm

I don't think this is really a question that should be asked of aspie girls, we all deal with NTs more than anything else and they probably have just as much trouble reading us and we do them.

I don't think there is a lack of interest in women on the spectrum here or in general, there are just aren't as many women on the spectrum and I think probably a lot of aspie guys are just as uncomfortable and anxious with aspie girls as they are NT as far as initiating things. I always am worried about women thinking I'm a creep, even here I worry about it. I know confidence and self esteem are pretty huge issues for me, I know women typically find those attributes the most unattractive but it's not by choice obviously so I don't know any way of recourse. I wish was confident guy who thought he was the s**t but then I'd also be an insane person for believing that considering the rest of my circumstances.

A relationship with someone not NT or whatever is intriguing I think just because maybe that person wouldn't judge your differences and deficits and you wouldn't have to pretend to be someone you're not. Maybe there wouldn't be the overwhelming feelings of inadequacy for not being apart of normal society if we both were never invited to it. It is just hard picturing any normal person settling for me, maybe some of that is just depression but I just think about it logically if the shoe was on the other foot given other options I have no chance.



voleregard
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04 Sep 2015, 3:07 pm

rdos wrote:
Playfighting is NT. There is a high probability it won't work with most neurodiverse girls.

My understanding has been and what I see of postings here is that neurodiverse girls still predominantly prefer the NT-style male. Think of the percentage of couples that are ND or NTgirl with NDguy versus the much higher percentage of NTguy with NDgirl. I would estimate that 85% of the ND women on this forum in (hetero) relationship are with (or have been, or prefer to be with) an NT guy.

Seems something female generally prefers dominance, swagger, boisterous behavior, and aggression, whether NT or ND, and whether they "like" it or not, women are innately attracted to it, and equally repelled by the absence of it. (understand, that if you post a response saying "I don't like dominant aggressive men" that you are in the vast minority.)

A male that incorporates this ritual "playfighting" of which you speak, would therefore statistically have more success even with neurodiverse girls, it would seem.



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04 Sep 2015, 3:20 pm

There's no way around the biological fact that males are the expendable sex, and females, the picky one. The fraction of females worthy of having a partner will always be much higher than that of males, neurotypical or not.


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Sweetleaf
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04 Sep 2015, 4:08 pm

Spiderpig wrote:
There's no way around the biological fact that males are the expendable sex, and females, the picky one. The fraction of females worthy of having a partner will always be much higher than that of males, neurotypical or not.


That is not a biological fact...that would be your opinion. Maybe some guys have the bad luck of pursuing picky women thus to them it can appear all or most must be.


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Sweetleaf
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04 Sep 2015, 4:18 pm

Spiderpig wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
You assume too much....


Care to point out how?, because I usually go out of my way to avoid assumptions and to explain why I say anything, though you don't seem to read it before throwing your offhand accusations.

Sweetleaf wrote:
either way that is why i didn't initially post cause usually these threads are looking for 'how to get with a neurotypical or normal person advice.


I still haven't seen any evidence that anyone is only interested in neurotypicals, not the least because I am certainly interested in aspies, too. It looks like you are the one who likes to assume things instead of actually trying to understand what others say.


What off hand accusation? you said I was trying to make you look bad with my responses...which I wasn't, hence you assume too much negative intentions on the part of other people. Also you assume any women regardless of anything would hate you...and every other autistic male it seems.

Also I was responding to your comment about 'no females have commented yet' and your assumptions as to why that was, since what you described was not my reason for having not posted in this thread...and the way i understood it was it was for general advice and I wasn't sure autistic people give the best 'general' advice just took it a little too literally.


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rdos
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04 Sep 2015, 6:09 pm

voleregard wrote:
My understanding has been and what I see of postings here is that neurodiverse girls still predominantly prefer the NT-style male. Think of the percentage of couples that are ND or NTgirl with NDguy versus the much higher percentage of NTguy with NDgirl. I would estimate that 85% of the ND women on this forum in (hetero) relationship are with (or have been, or prefer to be with) an NT guy.


That's not my understanding. Rather when I researched this quite a while ago, the result was that ND had just as big chance to be with another ND as an NT. However, since NTs are in a huge majority, this means there is a bias because if the selections were random we would mostly see NDs paired with NTs.

voleregard wrote:
A male that incorporates this ritual "playfighting" of which you speak, would therefore statistically have more success even with neurodiverse girls, it would seem.


Not at all. It would bias him more to end up with NTs, which would give him poorer results and more rejections.