Inside my head

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I am trying to explain the best that I can (sorry Im french) how I think and how my brain works in certain circumstances.
By this I would love to compare how you see things and see if we have things in common etc.
It also simply feels good to share.

1.
I wish there were more clear rules in the world. I wish we could quantify the value of an employee by keeping track of his/her productivity and reward them accordingly - instead of judging based on who licks more ass. I really miss the school years because of that. If you worked hard and were a good learner you had good grades and teachers liked you. It's so much different at work, where incompetent charismatic or pretty people get ahead.

2.
I don't believe the typical american dream life is for me or can truly make me happy but I still play the game and make efforts to look good and work hard to keep my job and attend the trendy partys because I see all of this as a big personal challenge. I feel extremely proud when I manage to look and act like a successful young adult. If I can really explain in details what I mean by that, for example I dated a guy after my breakup just to be able to say that I had a rebound relationship. I was not even enjoying the relationship itself, I just saw it as a box to check. It's like I do things just to say I did them. Like probably most people to those things because they really enjoy them but I do them just to look like I am as good as everyone else. To prove to myself that I am as capable as others. But I don't think it's really what I want. But it does give me a good feeling to know I can do like other people. I do this with everything. I worked as a barmaid for 2 months just to prove I could do it (even thought I was not at the right place for me at all and I knew it).

3.
I am always torn between the feeling of wanting to bound with people and be my true self and express myself more - and the need for being quiet and alone and in a controlled environment. What happens all the time is that, once a period of my life is over, I DEEPLY regret not having given more energy in situations. It's always like that. When I left my 2 years first adult job, looking back, I was thinking of all the parts of my true self I had hidden from my collegues in order to appear perfect and professional. I was low profile and had fun but not too much and did not participate that much in social activities. The problem is that when I am in the moment, I don't feel like socializing and being goofy and funny around people. It's like I dream this version of me. I think I could be it but I am not being it when it's the time to be that way. I will just think back on situations and create scenarios of what I could have done. It's like I'm stuck inside something that prevents me from communicating my deeper/fun self.

4.
In social gatherings, I will listen for a long period of time what people are talking about without engaging in the conversation. I will make links inside my head and kind of summarize everything they say in one sentence. I will then probably say this sentence and most of the time it is accurate. My friends think it's funny how I sometimes just say nothing and then out of the sudden say something totally crazy but true but absurd at the same time, one shot.

5.
I feel like I am a gatherer of social information. I want to understand the world and how it's done. I want to understand how people work. I constantly elaborate theories about social interactions and how people and brains work. I see social interactions as something that's calculable. For example I notice the best way to charm someone is to first have true respect for them, then be interesting and entertaining, then be light hearted and not pressured or eager, then show that if they disappear from your life you will be fine. It's like positive+positive+positive+negative=crazy good strong friendship. or love it's pretty much the same theory. Almost every time I interact with someone I notice everything and put it in relationship with all the other relationships of my life and then use it to precise theories. It can be general or very precise.