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RightGalaxy
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10 Sep 2015, 10:08 am

My niece lives with me. Lovely girl but aspie in the sense that she doesn't notice obvious social cues. She's been seeing a boy for a couple of months. She's 16 and so is he. Well, my husband and I finally met him.
He's gay and aspie. She doesn't understand how my husband and I know this. I did a little social/news searching at my beauty salon and the local pub and discovered that this boy's parents are behind this. His grandfather is a wealthy, retired businessman. His parents have an expectation that he'll foot the bill for their son's ivy-league education. BUT he has an overwhelming hatred for the gay community. My niece's purpose was not to be given affection but to be used as a smoke screen for his homosexuality. Well, nonetheless, I told her and she is distraught that he was only going through the motions of liking and dating her and that she served a purpose to get him ahead in life. Much worse, my cousin (years ago) married a man who simply wanted to produce children from his own body. Once he did, he asked her for a divorce so he can go and be with his gay lover BUT not in that order. First he berated her as a human being, made fun of her LD and asperger's, even her walk...so cruel. One may ask, "why?" Why do all that? Not until much later, did she learn of the "other man" . We have to teach our kids about people like this. We have to basically hover over them way past the time that other parent's let go. We are forced to leave the future of our aspie children to the mercy of God once we pass away. So, parents beware.



DW_a_mom
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10 Sep 2015, 1:54 pm

I am really sorry to hear your niece has been hurt like this.

Honestly, I don't know how much good scaring our kids can do. Yes, they need information, but you also don't want to make it impossible for them to form relationships because they fear they won't be able to tell if the relationship is real. Life involves risks; without risk, you can't truly live. So how much to share such stories is a pretty fine line; definitely a "know your child" situation.

My worry with my kids is pretty much the opposite of yours: I'm beginning to wonder if I've told them too much. They don't date; don't want the hassle.

High School relationships usually end, so a misstep there doesn't have to be a big deal, provided the kids aren't engaging in any risky behavior or getting intimate. If a parent doesn't like the guy or think he is sincere, they could wait for it to run its course. I can't say for sure what I would have done, but I'm thinking I might have let that relationship be, let her be happy, even if it wasn't real. Hard to say; not my family.

I am sorry, again, for your niece's pain.


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ASDMommyASDKid
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10 Sep 2015, 6:15 pm

Yeah, I am going to say that heartbreak is not the worst thing. Teen relationships are usually not permanent, anyway. Obviously you want to teach self-esteem, and give them the tools to get out if anything seems abusive.

I guess I am not sure what we are supposed to be wary of, specifically. I am assuming (hoping) the OP is not posting a general warning about gay people pretending to be straight, because this is very niche, and happily for all concerned, a problem of diminishing likelihood, given that homosexuality is much more accepted these days. People like the grandfather in the first anecdote, are hopefully having changes of heart about discriminating against their gay relatives.

I don't see this as a thing to specifically be on the lookout for, and how can one possibly warn our kids about every possible bad thing that could happen to them.



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10 Sep 2015, 6:28 pm

I don't know even someone more socially aware may not catch onto something like that. Though I think it is a jerk move to knowingly fake attraction to someone like that, even if you have a nasty relative. I do not think there would be anything wrong with him faking he has a 'girlfriend' if the girl knows whats going on and is a willing participant, rather than being led on.


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InThisTogether
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10 Sep 2015, 7:08 pm

I am sure this is not the first gay kid who has dated someone of the opposite sex to try to make peace in their family. While I am sorry this happened to your niece--teenaged relationships are confusing enough without adding in another layer--I don't know if I would be so quick to paint this boy in such a negative light. He is a teen himself. And aspie. And gay. In a family that doesn't sound like it accepts him for who he is... sounds to me like things are tough all over :(

But, I do agree with the sentiment that many of us need to be more vigilant with our atypical teens. I think many of them are ripe for being victimized by all sorts of unscrupulous people. Gay and straight alike.


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whatamess
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10 Sep 2015, 11:59 pm

I understand your concern. I am working on trying to figure out how to teach my son that not everyone out there is actually a nice person, without him becoming scared or doubting every person he meets. I was taken advantage of many times when I was younger and now I understand exactly why. Without a doubt this is related to not being able to read body language, etc. I agree we need to teach our kids something, so they are more aware, but trying to figure out what or how is a bit difficult.

There's a book called Girls growing up on the Autism Spectrum, which I think is pretty good. It has a section called Keeping Girls Safe.



RightGalaxy
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11 Sep 2015, 8:04 am

InThisTogether wrote:
I am sure this is not the first gay kid who has dated someone of the opposite sex to try to make peace in their family. While I am sorry this happened to your niece--teenaged relationships are confusing enough without adding in another layer--I don't know if I would be so quick to paint this boy in such a negative light. He is a teen himself. And aspie. And gay. In a family that doesn't sound like it accepts him for who he is... sounds to me like things are tough all over :(

But, I do agree with the sentiment that many of us need to be more vigilant with our atypical teens. I think many of them are ripe for being victimized by all sorts of unscrupulous people. Gay and straight alike.


Yes!! ! This is exactly the point I was trying to make - that are Asperger's teens don't notice the obvious in order to pull themselves out of a distressful situation. I don't bash gay people. I only bash "people" who use others as a vehicle. No one is an inanimate object to be used. My kid brother is aspie and gay. He's been put through the ringer by unscrupulous straight and gay people.