How to not confuse romantic love and platonic love???

Page 1 of 1 [ 5 posts ] 

MonsterCrack
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 1 Jul 2015
Age: 25
Posts: 735
Location: John's Creek, Georgia

14 Sep 2015, 5:47 pm

I'm 16, and a guy, and it seems that every time I make a friend who is a girl, I end up fantasizing about them romantically. ... I was friends with this nerdy 17 year old girl who had similar interests as me, but that didn't work out because she was always studying.... and no, I didn't drive her away, because I only flirted with her once, and that was way before she stopped talking to me. Then I became friends with a talented piano playing 12 year old girl with a brother who has low functioning autism, and now whenever I lie in bed I pretend my pillow is her, (which I did with the previous girl in my mind). I even pretend to have a daughter with her and talk to the imaginary daughter... ( I know that's creepy, you don't need to rub it in ). I always assume I'll end up with the girl I'm friends with, and it ends up in disappointment... how to stop? I've done with this with every girl I've every girl I've been friends with....



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

14 Sep 2015, 5:51 pm

If a girl doesn't want to make out with you, she wants Platonic love. Or she wants romance, but doesn't feel ready for it.

Be careful about the 12-year-old. Legally, she's extremely young, and you could get in lots of trouble if you do more than Platonic things with her.



Malaise
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 12 Jul 2015
Age: 35
Posts: 224
Location: MN

14 Sep 2015, 6:04 pm

I think it's more important to pay attention to how your feelings are developing, how serious they are to you, and what the connection really is between yourself and someone else. This takes practice and can be helped along by asking yourself questions about it. Early on feelings aren't well-formed and might not be anything yet, so being in love with them in any way is a bit of a stretch. Fantasies and good feelings might be loneliness, boredom, lust, or curiosity. They might also be the start of a serious romantic connection or of general intimacy and trust with someone.

For some people it's clear early on, but for many it stays flexible for awhile. It's fine to like the idea of something and imagine what could be, but good to be aware of what's really happening between people, what you really feel, and of the fact that many people create ideas of people that don't match the real person this way. Spending too much time thinking about what could happen can distract you from what is happening and build up expectations that the other person just can't meet.

I agree that you have to be careful about a 12-year-old. Four years isn't a big difference in your twenties (a 23-year-old and a 27-year-old, say), but the differences between 12 and 16 are far greater legally, mentally, and physically.



Ganondox
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Oct 2011
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,776
Location: USA

18 Sep 2015, 3:37 am

Someone please tell me, I can't keep it solid.


_________________
Cinnamon and sugary
Softly Spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes

Autism FAQs http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt186115.html


The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,757

18 Sep 2015, 6:48 am

First thing I'd say is do your best to lay off the 12 year-old. There are just far too many things that can go wrong there, more so than with someone of a more appropriate age.

With that said, I can relate to you on some level as I similarly used to fantasise about girls I was interested in, particularly in my early teens. The problem with this is fantasising about them stimulates romantic feelings for them that are going to make things so much worse in the event of unrequited love or rejection, which is always more likely than not unless they've expressed explicit romantic interest in you. The fantasising feels good, but it's not worth suffering through that unrequited love. Not to me anyway. So I don't think about women or develop crushes unless I'm reasonably sure there's a mutual interest.

If you're looking for a romantic partner, you'd be best trying to get to know the person well, refrain from fantasising and look for signals that might indicate they're interested in you. If you feel comfortable flirting after you've known the person a while, do a bit of that. If they don't flirt back, they're probably not interested.