Some questions - help!

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Hi all. I would love some feedback on a few issues we are currently having. It has been suggested a lot in the past that my 6 year old son displays some Asperger’s type behaviours, and I have recently taken him to a dr who agrees that some of his behaviours are very unusual. We are keeping a diary, and in a few weeks are getting a referral to a paediatrician. I’d like to get people’s views on a few things, it would be really helpful
He has been known to have major meltdowns, seemingly over absolutely nothing, after being completely fine. During the meltdowns, he becomes violent to himself and others and I can honestly not see how to calm him down. If we have a big meltdown, he is usually affected all day. He cannot understand that if he has an incident like this, that his actions were not acceptable. It is the fault of the person who he deems to be in the wrong. He remembers his meltdowns for *years* after they happen, and why he feels he was made to have one.
He has recently started kind of twisting and crossing all his fingers. He says he feels like he needs to “line them up and fasten them together” sometimes. Also, he curls his pointing finger into his palm and seems unwilling to use it. He sometimes gets very deeply frustrated by his need to cross his fingers over, and even refused to engage in a lesson properly at school because he couldn’t bring himself to “undo” his fingers. This is incredibly unusual as he is incredibly aware of the behaviours that is expected of him in school, and wouldn’t normally put a foot wrong regardless of any struggles of that type at home.
If anyone Is able to offer any insight on whether or not these are things you deal with, and how to help him, I would really appreciate it! Thank you

My son does exactly what you described with his fingers as well. He also wrings his hands a lot.

If the finger twisting helps him to feel safer and calmer at school, I can see why it would take precedent over his need to follow the rules. He may be very overstimulated or anxious in the classroom. There may be too much noise, too many social interactions he can't understand, too much visual stimulation on the walls and/ or too much movement.

My son often has meltdowns for any of these reasons: 1. He is experiencing sensory overload 2. Something unexpected happened (the routine suddenly changes, he had an expectation and it turned out very different) 3. There are social interactions he is having trouble understanding.

He used to self injure and hurt others (not on purpose, he was unaware of his body movements) when he was younger, even recently. He (most of the time) does not do that anymore.

But, the behaviors you describe could be ASD, or something else entirely. How is he with socializing? How is he with conversations? Of course, only a doctor can diagnose.

Thanks so much for the reply
He struggles a little with eye contact, and as far as I'm concerned, his social capabilities are an issue. Not massive but definitely there. He struggles to play with other kids he just kind of plays alongside them. He feels he can't ask to join in games so unless approached just plays by himself. Sometimes this really upsets him and he tells me everyone hates him which is obviously really hard.
He sometimes loses it with people, kids included, who he feels are not doing things correctly, ie, his preferred way, and lashes out either physically or verbally. He absolutely cannot grasp that the other person hasn't actually done wrong, he feels very strongly that his behaviour was caused by the other person. He copes better around adults.
I think I will keep a diary of everything for a few weeks for the Dr. School are being very supportive which is amazing

Also worth mentioning, he sometimes hurts himself intentionally and says awful things about how he's a horrid boy and doesn't deserve to live with us etc. These incidents are not particularly regular, but he appears to go through phases where they happen a lot, then nothing for a long time. That is definitely something I have a great deal of difficulty coping with as it is very hard to see and hear him talk that way.

Wow, a lot to address and not much time for me to do it in. So, this will have to be the executive summary version.

Meltdowns: if you son is ASD and truly having a meltdown, he cannot control his behavior. You have to get to calming steps BEFORE he has the meltdown. While it may seem they are coming out of the blue, there usually has been a slow build up of stress that has led to that point. Your job is to try to identify those patterns so that you can start on mitigation before he has reached the point of no return. Eventually responsibility for identifying the build up and starting mitigation will be passed onto him.

Control: a big sign in my son was always more and more need to control everyone and everything around him. ASD children do this the most when they are reaching unsustainable stress levels. I learned to take my son out of what he was doing and into a more self-calming activity whenever I saw that. You can't, of course, just spring mitigation on him out of the blue; we developed patterns for that so that he would understand why I was trying to get him to do something else for a little while.

Physical knots: the hand twisting sounds like a type of stim, or self-stimulating activity. ASD children use these to self-calm and center themselves. The more stress, the more they will seek the behavior. It is both a good thing and also a warning sign. This may happen more at school because being in a room for a bunch of unpredictable children is naturally stressful for ASD kids.

Sorry for being so brief; I hope this helps. If you go through our Parenting Index stickie you will find many more in-depth discussions on all these topics.

Thank you everyone for the replies.

We have had another incident this morning :/ His jumper was on the wrong way round, and it triggered a massive issue for him, he ended up throwing himself at me, cut his bottom lip on his tooth and then full on rampaging. Kicking the walls, screaming, telling me how horrible and nasty he is. On the way to school he said I should leave him in the bushes because he is nasty

I've had a sit down with one of his teachers and run through everything, they are being brilliant and have said they will do whatever is needed to make sure he is ok in school.

Interestingly I asked him if he felt like twisting his fingers might calm him a bit this morning and he said no, it bothers him when it happens but he can't stop doing it. It's like he doesn't like to do it but it feels far worse not to

The hands. Sounds sensory. Some folks like pressure on their hands, this could be what he is looking for. I sat on mine for a good portion of my childhood. Just felt better. You might try some gloves that are a bit tight. But breathable. I like that a good deal myself.

That's very interesting, thanks both. I will definately look at getting some gloves to try out. Better day today thankfully (so far!)