I've Given Up On Romantic Relationships

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I've tried many, many times to have successful and lasting romantic relationships, but they all end. I wouldn't call all of them failures, but most of them were. Even though I tried very hard, or at least to me it seemed like I was trying hard, I wasn't open enough, responsive enough loving enough, etc., etc., etc. for my partner. I've also been told I'd shut down, which is my version of a meltdown, but I'd recover fairly quickly.

I'd do the typical loving things, flowers, dates, dinner out, spend as much time as I could, while working 50+ hours per week and going to school. Even though I'm more comfortable at home, I'd have no trouble at their place or on trips. I'm also very good with touch and s*x, with someone I love and trust. I've put a lot of time and effort into modifying my behavior, attempting to fit into the world of dating NTs.

It seems that the Aspie-NT dating just doesn't seem to work for me. If I search the web, it seems there are a lot of people that Aspie-NT usually doesn't work.

I'd like to know what others have experienced and if it's worked, what's different?

Last edited by TimBob on 01 Oct 2015, 8:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Why are you asking for advice if you've given up?

You've no need for advice if you are no longer interested in pursuing romantic relationships.

I'm not asking for advice, I'm asking about the experience of others. Do you have anything relevant to share?

Why exactly do you feel you have to date an NT per say?...maybe you'd have better luck expanding horizons rather then specifically remaining within the realms of 'NT dating' though its not really that defined even neurotypicals vary in how they go about it and what they are looking for.

Now that you know you will not gain any success with NTs, you just unlearn everything you've learnt about how relationships work, and become natural instead. This new route cannot possibly go more wrong than the one you've already tried.

When I say unlearn everything I mean everything: Dating, compliments, presents, sex to bond, monogamy, when to be exclusive, how NTs flirt, how eye contact is done, and what to demand and expect in a relationship. You replace those with how you work naturally (which could be the same way for some of those things, but not necessarily).

Hi Sweetleaf. I don't feel that I have to date an NT. It's just that I have no idea how to find an Aspie female in my area. I'd looked at a couple online "Aspie" dating site and the women were few and far between. If the stats are right, Aspie guys outnumber Aspie girls by 4 to 1. That puts Aspie guys at a disadvantage in the dating world.

I assumed by "expanding horizons" that you meant dating Aspies. If my assumption is wrong, please let me know. I've dated people across all the "races," from different countries, different economic spectrums, etc. I have no attraction to me.

Hey RDOS. What would I gain by unlearning those behaviors? Would I be like one of those insensitive, jerk guys that a lot of women seem to be attracted to? You know, the ones that treat the girl badly, yet the girl clings to them?

The stats for diagnosed ASD probably are somewhat correct, but your assumption about whom you should date is not. Your assumption about dating and finding girls online is incorrect. You should seek girls in environments where they are plentiful, and at least as common as guys. That excludes online dating and going after diagnosed ASD girls.

Reasonably sequence of things:

1. Learn how to detect neurodiverse girls
2. Learn the eye contact game
3. Find places that have more girls than guys
4. Find yourself a neurodiverse girl for a relationship there



Not at all. These jerks are mostly NTs.

Have you tried a regular dating site? I was on one for a while and actually did meet someone that way which worked out pretty well...but yeah it wasn't a specific aspie site. Also though its not as if you only would have a chance with females with aspergers granted I doubt if you're going to find a neurotypical strives to fit into society, square sort of girl to date...but there are plenty of neurotypicals who don't fit into that either. Maybe attempting to find people with similar interests would be helpful...like see if there are forums or IRL meet up groups for those interests, or with music going to concerts or places that cater to the style of music you enjoy might have some interesting people.

But yeah I looked at an aspie dating site once and it didn't seem very promising like not very active or anything....but I know its not just neurotypicals and normal people on them.

This seems like the best advice to me. I'm no Romeo, but I have learned some things through my misadventures with dating. One of those things is that a good relationship is based on compatibility. The formula goes something like this:

1. I know from experience what I like, dislike, and am able to give in a relationship.
2. I communicate these things to someone who I am interested in and who is also looking for a relationship.
3. That person knows what she likes, dislikes, and can give in a relationship.
4. She communicates those things honestly to me.
5. If we are close enough to what each other is looking for the relationship has a good chance of working out.

Without compatibility no relationship can last. Of course the only way to find a compatible partner is to know yourself and honestly try to be yourself when dating. If your potential mate doesn't understand AS is very dissatisfied with the relationship because of your AS traits, she is not the one for you. Obviously some women don't mind Aspie guys or there wouldn't be so many Aspie husbands and fathers.

This is some of the best advice I've ever read on dating. This is how you create a healthy relationship, whatever your gender or orientation: by knowing yourself, knowing what you want, and knowing what matters to you/what your values are, and being able to communicate those things clearly; and then looking for others who can do the same and who's personality, values, and wants are compatible with your own. It's not rocket surgery, as they say.

It seems as if the flame of Romance still is burning for you.

The advice given above is good.

NEVER become a jerk, and an insensitive guy. You'll get the wrong girl that way. You would be false to yourself.

I wouldn't give up totally, if I were you. I would just stop actually pursuing "Romance," and pursue "friends" instead. It is by no means rare for a friendship to turn into Romance.

I've seen in other threads on here, on other websites and heard from helpful NT females, that NT women do need certain things in a relationship and they can't do without them. Meeting those needs and having my own needs met, will be easier with a partner that has common interests and who cares to understand our differences. There are things NTs do that seem dumb to me, but I just smile and nod.

I definitely appreciate the advice, especially as it's based on your personal experiences, which seem to be successful and positive. Knowing that successful Aspie-NT relationships are possible, which is what I was really hoping to hear, I may try again someday, using what y'all have suggested. In the meantime, I'll keep my eyes open for possibilities.

Thanks again and if anyone else has input, throw it out there. I know I've read a lot of posts on here before I ever posted and someone else may find this helpful.

That seems reasonable.

They're more hassle than they're really worth.

seems reasonable..

Oh where, oh where have all the hopeless romantics gone? Surely I can't be the lonely only one?