Brick Wall

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I've got a conflict that is causing me a lot of emotional tirmoil right now. I've always been shy and scared of people. Over time I've really grown to hate people because of all the rejections and misunderstanding that come with dealing with people when you have AS. The older I get, the less I am willing to put forth any effort to form or maintain relationships. I want to be alone and deal with people as little as possible so that I feel safe. But when I am alone too much I feel suicidal all the time like life has no meaning. I recognize that I have a need for intimate relationships and I know how to go about it but my hatred of people is keeping me from reaching out to people. I don't know what I want from this post. Perhaps I am just venting. I also wonder if others can relate or if others have found a way to push back against their misanthropy to form intimate relationships?

In your alone time persue your special interest. Try and connect with one person who shares your special interest even if it is on an online forum like this one.

Is it really people you hate, or is it the way you feel when you are rejected and misunderstood by them? If they were to begin accepting you despite differences, would you still hate them?

I think you probably need to work on your social skills, as well as learning to find things to enjoy and appreciate. Develop a few passions, and look for the things we all have in common whether we are NT or ND.

When I was much younger, I was fairly misanthropic. I'm not sure what happened, but over time, I find myself very willing to accept other people up until the point where they act like a big jerk or a sociopath. And that's a minority of people.

The desire to be alone is very understandable especially if you are an introvert and find being social a rather draining experience like I do. You shouldn't let your hatred of people consume you otherwise it may very well define who you are. Should try and find some people who accept you for you and help to remind you that not everyone fits the mold of our struggle. You can only help, but wonder as to how many people you might see on a daily basis who don't look the part, but would understand the struggle if they took the time to learn about it. You shouldn't let generalizations become absolutes otherwise you will severely limit yourself as to what you can do to try and deal with it. Just know your interest and find others who share it that always gets things rolling

I have a lot of people who accept me. I am also pretty accepting of people who I meet. I just don't get a lot of joy from spending time with people, and it takes ungodly amounts of energy to interact with people. I feel like relationships are something I have to, not something I want to do. They are extra tasks on an already overwhelming task list--a chore I would avoid if I could.

I also have significant history of abuse which makes me perpetually on guard to prevent the recurrence of abuse. I think the abuse is the reason I hate people, not AS. I don't have a lot of experience relating to healthy, safe people. Just mean people and people who try to exploit me.

Being perpetually on guard is not fun and not healthy. Have you done some psychotherapy for the abuse issues? Also a strong therapeutic relationship can provide a "corrective emotional experience" in which you discover that being able to trust someone feels really good and affirming.

I think suggestions by other commenters, to develop a special interest you can do alone, and then branch out to a friend with the same special interest, might be a good strategy for you. Good luck.

I can relate.
Socializing is exhausing.
I too am mostly on guard or shut down.
I'm pretty paranoid with people. Whatever they do, I assume the worst of intentions from them.

You are correct to feel the way you do about wanting to stay away from others. You must do what you need to do for yourself. We may need to interact with a stranger, or someone(s) you have no choice but encounter offen. Try to eliminate any guilt from the social programming you may have had growing up with that states you need to mingle and "be out of your shell" (I hate that expression) -- they are wrong. Some people can't handle so much socializing. It is tiring; your brain says, "hey this hurts and I am working overtime to deal with all the stimuli this causes". Listen to your body. If it can't acclimate within 6 weeks to an activity, do something else because it is hurting your spirit. Doing things that hurt you over and over will break your spirit. I don't believe in the supernatural spirit, but I mean your inner core self, but not sure what to call it so I just say 'spirit' -- as in "lift your spirit" or "break your spirit".

I understand feeling conflicted when it seems the whole world is saying one thing and you feel another. Your body and brain can't be wrong because feelings and experiences are individual. There is no wrong or right way to feel. There are only wrong and right actions according to the laws of your country. I don't know of any law that says we have to be very social. There is also no law that says you must never be social if you choose to live a solitary life. Mingle when you feel you can and do something else when you can't. This is your life, do what is best for you.

There are people who will "click" for you.
We have a friend who is either extremely shy, or ASD, or both. It took him tremendous pains to learn to speak freely to people at all. He knows that he is OK in our company and doesn't have to pretend anything. He can feel safe, and if he's afraid of something we will talk about it. And yes, we have connected through a hobby.
Hobbies are very OK, and they provide you with a level of expertise, and connections which you don't have to develop right away, because you just go around and do your hobby, contacting fellow hobbyists only as much as you can at the moment (horses, role-playing games, gardening, anything that is compatible with your special interests). The non-toxic relationships with people are best when built on common interests and experiences, NOT work relations or family relations, because these are often forced and need time and walking on eggshells to develop at all. Also, it's best when these hobbies are not competitive, but cooperative.
Because there is no hierarchy, and no competition, these relationships are good and in time they become lifesaving. Just don't try to connect romantically until you are absolutely sure, because mistakes in this are heartbreaking.
I still didn't master correct relationships at work, I am tolerated at best, but long lived friendships are possible. It is harder to make friends when you're older, but still feasible.
And please do some therapy. Our friend got really better after he went to some.

I can relate. This sounds like PTSD hypervigilance. It can keep you on guard even when you know logically there's not much chance you will actually experience abuse in a situation. And being on guard can put other people on guard too, which tends to create more misunderstandings. The body stays on alert for sensory triggers that are associated with bad memories, like certain sounds or scents. Basically like it puts your survival instinct into overdrive. It can be physically and mentally exhausting. It can even interfere with sleep. Do you sleep well?

Having safer experiences with people, over time, can help you let your guard down. It just takes awhile for the body and mind to catch up with it. It's kind of a difficult catch-22 to be in, when you don't have safe experiences with people because you don't feel safe to begin with. I'm wondering if doing something physical might help you get your emotion out and relax more...like maybe taking a martial arts class? Just an idea.

It is definitely PTSD. I would like the support of a therapist to walk through the uncomfortable feelings that come with getting close to people but I don't have the money.

I am not doing it at break-neck speed but i am doing it. I am a member of local support groups so I am reaching out to people there.

I exercise when I can and it helps with anxiety. I also take medication which helps immensely. I think slowly I will gain new friends but the brick wall I feel myself running into is the result of pushing myself too hard.